伍迪单口相声精选 第1期:伏特加广告The Vodka Ad

 　　Mr. Woody Allen.

　　请伍迪·艾伦先生。
　　Thank you. Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing.
　　谢谢。我还是从头说起，我做的第一件大事与做伏特加酒广告有关。
　　A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noel Coward originally for it. But.
　　有家很大的伏特加酒公司想打个有影响的广告，一开始他们想请诺埃尔·考沃德【1】来做，但是……
　　He was not available, he had acquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing the music and lyrics 1, make it back into Pygmalion.
　　他脱不开身，因为他获得了《窈窕淑女》【2】的著作权，正忙着将这部剧的音乐和唱词去掉，重新改回到《皮格马利翁》。
　　They tried to get Laurence Olivier, and Howdy Mokey. They finally got me to do it. I'll tell you how they got my name, it was on a list in Eichmann's pocket, when they picked him up.
　　他们还去找过劳伦斯·奥立佛和豪迪·罗基等等。最后他们找到了我来做。我来告诉你们他们是如何知道我名字的，它被列入了艾赫曼【3】的黑名单，在他们抓到他时在他衣袋里搜出来的。
　　And I'm sitting home, and I'm watching television.
　　当时我正坐在家里，看着电视。
　　I'm watching a special version of Peter Pan on television, starring Kate Smith, and they are having trouble flying her, because the chains keep breaking all the time, you know.
　　我看电视里正在放一个特别版本的《小飞侠彼得潘》，由凯特·史密斯【4】主演，当他们想让她飞起来时遇到了麻烦，你知道，因为吊她的链条老是断。
　　And the phone rings and a voice on the other end says, "How would you like to be this years vodka man?", and I say, "No. I'm an artist, I do not do commercials. I don't pander 2.
　　电话铃响了起来，另一头有个声音说：“你愿不愿意成为本年度的伏特加代言人？”我说：“不，我是艺术家，我不做商业广告，我不拉皮条。
　　I don't drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product."
　　我不喝伏特加，即使我喝，我也不喝你们的产品。”
　　He said, "Too bad. It pays fifty thousand dollars." and I said "Hold on. I'll put Mr. Allen on the phone."
　　他说：“太可惜了，这可以挣五万美元。”我说：“慢着。我去叫艾伦先生来接电话。”
　　And I was caught here in an ethical 3 crisis. Should I advertise a product that I don't actually use?
　　于是我陷入了道德危机之中，我应该去给我实际上并不使用的产品做广告吗？
　　It's a problem 'cause I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really.
　　这的确是个问题，因为我不喝酒，我的身体受不了……酒精，真的。
　　I had two martinis new years eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
　　有年除夕我喝了两杯马提尼，结果我想劫持一部电梯飞到古巴去。
　　In the past whenever I had any sort of...emotional problem, I used to consult with my analyst 4 all the time. This is public knowledge, I was in analysis for years, 'cause of a traumatic childhood I had.
　　以前每当我碰到任何……感情问题，我总是去向我的心理医生求助，这是大家都知道的事。我已经做了很多年的心理分析治疗，因为我的童年颇受创伤。
　　Remember I was breastfed from falsies.
　　记得我小时候是被假胸哺乳大的。
　　It scarred me emotionally, you know. I was in a strict freudian analysis for a long time.
　　你知道，这使我的心灵深受伤害。我接受严格的弗洛伊德精神分析治疗相当长时间了。
　　My analyst died two years ago, and I never realized it, and now, whenever I have any sort of problem, I consult with my spiritual counselor 5, who in my case is my rabbi.
　　我的心理医生两年以前就死了，可我一直没意识到。现在，无论我碰到什么样的问题，我都去请教我的精神顾问，对我来说就是我的拉比。
　　I called him on the phone and laid the proposition on him, and he said, "Don't do it, 'cause it's illegal and immoral 6 to advertise a product that you don't use, just for the money."
　　我打电话给他，说了让我做广告的事，他说：“别去做，因为如果只是为了钱给你并不使用的产品做广告，这既不合法也不道德。”
　　And I said, "Okay." And I passed the ad up and I must say, that it took great courage at the time, 'cause I needed the money, I was writing and I needed to be free, creative.
　　我说：“好吧。”于是我推掉了广告。我得承认，我在当时下了很大的决心，因为我需要钱，我正在写书，我需要无后顾之忧的、富于创造力的生活。
　　I was working on a non-fiction version of the Warren report.
　　我那时正在创作《沃伦报告》【5】的非虚构版本。
　　I'd just passed the ad up and a month later I'm leafing through a Life magazine, and I see a photograph of Monique van Vooren in a slim bikini bathing suit, and she is on the beach in Jamaica, and there, next to her, with a cool vodka in his hand, is my rabbi.
　　就在我拒绝广告一个月之后，有天我随手翻阅《生活》杂志，看到一张莫妮克·凡·弗伦【6】的照片，身穿衣不蔽体的比基尼泳装，在牙买加的海滩上，而在她的旁边，有个人手握一瓶清凉的伏特加，那人正是我的拉比。
　　So I call him up on the phone, you know, and he puts me on hold.
　　于是我又打电话给他，你知道，他让我一直等着。
　　What happened is, that he wanted to go into show business - he had done a late night prayer on television.
　　发生的事情是他已打算涉足娱乐行业——他正在电视里表演深夜祈祷。
　　He was in the middle of the twenty-third song and he tried to ad-lib, you know, tried to name the ten commandments, couldn't think of them quickly and instead he named the Seven Dwarfs 7.
　　当“第二十三篇赞美诗”【7】讲到一半时，他想即兴发挥一下，说说“十诫”，可是他一下子记不清了，反而说出了七个小矮人的名字。
　　He's got a discotheque now in his college, with topless rabbis, y'know, no scull cap on.
　　现在他已经在他的学会里开了家迪斯科舞厅，里面有上身裸露的拉比表演，我是说不戴圆顶小帽【8】的拉比。
　　【1】诺埃尔·皮尔斯·科沃德爵士，英国演员、剧作家、导演、作曲家、歌手。
　　【2】音乐剧，改编自肖伯纳的戏剧《皮格马利翁》，也叫《窈窕淑女》。
　　【3】奥托·阿道夫·艾赫曼，纳粹盖世太保犹太部的头目，二战中屠杀数以百万计的犹太人，1960年被以色列特工捕获，在以色列被审判和处决。
　　【4】凯瑟琳·伊丽莎白·史密斯，美国女歌手，体型超重。
　　【5】为调查肯尼迪总统遇刺而成立的委员会给出的官方报告，由大法官厄尔·沃伦主持。
　　【6】莫妮克·凡·弗伦，五六十年代比利时籍性感明星，三围102-61-91。
　　【7】又称“牧羊人赞美诗”，传为大卫王所作。
　　【8】即亚莫克（yarmulke），犹太男子戴的无边小圆帽。