伍迪单口相声精选 第3期:第二次婚姻Second Marriage

 　　Which I think brings me to my main...conclusion here, that is that I got married, that's the biggest thing that's happened to me over the last...I got married for the second time, incidentally.

　　我想现在到了来告一重要段落的时候了，那就是我结婚了，这是那么多年以来发生在我身上的最重大的事。顺便说一下，这是我的二婚。
　　I should have known something was wrong with my first wife, when I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her, you know, but my dog died, that's what happened.
　　我早该知道我的第一任妻子有什么地方不对劲了，当初我带她去我家见我父母时，他们居然都很认可她，你知道，可是我的狗却死掉了，这就是当时发生的事情。
　　I got to be careful what I say about her publicly now, 'cause she's suing me. I don't know if you read that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her.
　　现在我在公开场合说到她时必须小心翼翼，因为她正在告我。我不知道你们有没有在报纸上读到过这事，但我被她告上了法庭，原因是我说过她一些很恶毒的话。
　　She didn't like it, she lives on the upper west side of Manhattan, and she was coming home late at night, and she was violated.
　　她不喜欢这样。她住在曼哈顿的上西区，有天深夜在她回家时，她受到了侵害。
　　That's how the put it in the New York papers: "She was violated", and they asked me to comment on it, and I said "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation 1."
　　这是纽约的报纸上用的措辞：“她受到了侵害。”有人问我对此有什么看法，我说：“以我对我前妻的了解，这也许构不成‘运动侵害’。”
　　Let me tell you how I met my second wife, which is really romantic.
　　我来告诉你我是如何结识我的第二个妻子的吧，那真的很浪漫。
　　I read an article in Life magazine saying there was a sexual revolution going on on college campuses all over the country, and I reregistrated at New York University to check it out, 'cause I used to go there years ago, I was a history of hygiene 2 major at NYU, and I was thrown out of college, and when I was thrown out I got a job.
　　我在《生活》杂志上读到篇文章，说是全国的大学校园到处都进行着一场性革命。于是我又重新注册进了纽约大学，想去探个究竟。因为几年前我在那儿待过，我在纽约大学主修过“卫生学史”，但后来被踢出了大学。在我被开除后我找到了一份工作。
　　My father had a grocery store in Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn, and he hired me to work for him.
　　我父亲在布鲁克林的弗拉特布什大街开了家杂品店，他雇我给他干活。
　　I was a delivery boy for my father, that was my first job, and I unionized the workers and we struck and drove him out of business.
　　我成了我父亲的送货员，那是我的第一份工作。我联合其他员工展开罢工，很快把他搞破产了。
　　He's always been touchy 3 about it.
　　为此他一直对我很恼火。
　　Now, when I went back to school, suddenly everybody wanted to fix me up with women.
　　现在，当我重返校园后，忽然人人都想撮合我和女人之间的事。
　　And I have had a very bad history with blind dates.
　　对于经人介绍的约会，我有过非常糟糕的经历。
　　You must not misunderstand me, believe it, sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic.
　　不过你们别误解我。说真的，两人之间的性爱是件美好的事，五人之间的话就更妙了。
　　I was very depressed 4 about that for a long time.
　　我为此郁闷了很长时间。
　　I was gonna kill myself, but as I said, I was in a strict freudian analysis, and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. So I accept this date.
　　我打算去自杀，可是我说过，我一直在接受严格的弗洛伊德分析，如果你自杀，他们要你把错过的那些疗程的钱先付了。因此我接受了约会安排。
　　First blind date in years, I go to a fourth floor walk-up, and then knock on the door, and this girl comes to the door, and she is absolutely beautiful, but really terrific, great long blond hair, and a short skirt and boots and a sleeveless jersey 5, and she is packed into it.
　　这是我多年以来第一次与不相识的人约会，我来到一所无电梯公寓的四楼，敲响了房门，有个姑娘应声来开门，她长得绝对漂亮，真的很迷人，靓丽的金色长发，身穿短裙和长靴，配无袖紧身针织衫，那使她曲线毕露。
　　When I see her look that beautiful, I wanna...cry, write a poem, jump on her.
　　我看到她如此美丽，我都想流泪了，写首诗歌，将她扑倒。
　　I'm very sensitive, you know. She asked me what I wanted to do, and I'm not a swinger.
　　你知道，我很容易动情。她问我打算干嘛，我可不是花花公子。
　　My idea of a big evening is go down to the corner roticimat and watch the chickens revolve 6, you see.
　　对我来说走到街角的电热烤箱前，盯着里面打转的烤鸡看一晚上，就相当不一般了。
　　I take her to a party on McDougle Street in Greenwich Village.
　　我带她参加舞会，去了格林尼治村的麦克杜格尔街。
　　We go into a smoked filled room, and I do not use - you should know this about me, too - any sort of consciousness expanding material. My body will not tolerate that.
　　我们走进烟雾弥漫的房间，可是我不能使用任何的意识扩展物质（大麻），你们也应该了解我这一点。我的身体受不了那个。
　　You know I took a puff 7 of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, you know.
　　你知道有次在联谊舞会上，我吸了一口不该吸的烟，结果招来了一帮警察。
　　I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
　　我试图在自由女神的身上留下爱之吻痕，磕断了我的两颗牙齿。
　　The party begins to move downstairs now, unto the street, and everybody is playing bongoes and guitars, and a cop on horseback comes up to me, and he puts his arm around me.
　　舞会开始移步到了楼下，来到大街上，大家打起非洲小鼓、弹着吉他。有个骑警走上前来，他用胳膊搂着我。
　　He says to me "Are you one of those draftcard burners?"
　　他问我说：“你是不是焚烧过兵役应征卡？”
　　And I say, "No, I'm not. I never registered, I don't have a draftcard."
　　我说：“不，我没有。我从没被应征过，所以也没有兵役应征卡。”
　　Meanwhile a little girl feeds, what look like a cube of sugar, to the policeman's horse.
　　同时有个小女孩给警察的马喂了一块看上去像是方糖的东西。
　　The horse showed up at a sit-in in Georgia.
　　结果马就出现在了乔治亚州的一个静坐示威的现场。
　　Now I decide to strike. I get my date, and I jam her into my Hertz. I have a rented car, which is a flat rate 12 cents a mile, in an effort to cut down on the mileage 8 charge, I back up every place.
　　现在该采取行动了，我抓住我的女友，把她塞进了我的“赫兹”车里【2】，那是我租来的车子，按每英里12美分统一计费。为了降低里程数，我总是倒着开车。
　　So I'm backing over the George Washington Bridge.
　　因此我倒着驶过乔治·华盛顿大桥。
　　That was two o'clock in the morning, and I get my date back to her apartment, and the two of us are alone, and we're going pretty good.
　　已经是凌晨两点了，我把女友送回到她的寓所，这是两个人的世界，我们相处得很好。
　　I have to explain this very delicately, 'cause it's really tentative.
　　我必须十分慎重地说明一下，因为一切都很微妙。
　　As I...as I am an inordinately 9...passionate 10...man. Volatile 11. Sensual. In general a stud.
　　我是个?我是个极富热情的男人，容易激动、享受感官，总的来说算个猛男。
　　When making love...when making love...in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstasy 12...I think of baseball players.
　　每当我做爱……每当我做爱的时候，为了努力延长快感的那一刻，我会想象棒球运动员们。
　　All right, now you know. The two of us are making love violently, she's digging it, I figure I better start thinking of ballplayers quickly.
　　好吧，这下你们都知道了。我们两个开始激烈地做爱，她真的很投入。我想我最好马上开始想象球员们了。
　　So I figure it's one out, the ninth, the Giants are up.
　　于是我设想已经到了第九局【3】，巨人队进攻，一人出局。
　　Mays lines a single to right, he takes second on a wild pitch.
　　梅斯【4】击出平直球上到右边一垒，他抓住暴投机会上到二垒。
　　Now she is digging her nails into my neck. I decided 13 to pinch-hit for McCovey.
　　现在她把指甲掐进了我的脖子。 我决定替麦考维【5】代打。
　　Alou pops out. Haller singles, Mays holds third.
　　阿卢【6】冲了进来。哈勒【7】一垒安打，梅斯占据三垒。
　　Now I got a first-and-third situation.
　　现在我们的一三垒上都有人。
　　Two out, the Giants are behind one run.
　　已有两人出局，巨人队还落后一分。
　　I don't know whether to squeeze or steal.
　　我不知道是该抢分触击还是偷垒。
　　She's been in the shower for ten minutes, already.
　　她已经在那儿冲了十分钟澡了。
　　This is too...I can't tell you anymore, this is too personal.
　　这简直太……我不能说得更多了，这太私密了。
　　The Giants won.
　　巨人队赢了。
　　And I married the girl, incidently, and had a very good wedding, except for my father, who squatted 14 down and did one of those Russian dances, see, and tore a leg muscle and froze in that position.
　　顺便说一下，我和那姑娘结婚了，要说婚礼也进行得很好，除了我父亲，因为他半蹲下身子，想来上一段俄罗斯民间舞。你瞧，拉伤了腿部肌肉而僵在那个姿势上了。
　　Walked down the aisle 15 like that, you know.
　　他只能像这样走下过道。
　　【1】“运动侵害”是交通法规用词，指运动的车辆犯法，例如车子超速、闯红灯等等；与之相对的是“非运动违规”，比如胡乱停车、车况不好等等。伍迪在这里暗指是她侵害了别人，还是指她有性冷淡？伍迪的确被他的第一任妻子哈琳·罗森告上法庭，因为他在电视节目里拿着她和她姐妹的照片奚落了一番。
　　【2】成立于1923年“赫兹汽车租赁公司”，是世界顶级的汽车租赁服务公司，除了美国本土，目前在全世界150多个国有服务业务。
　　【3】棒球第九局的下半局是最后的关头。
　　【4】小威廉·霍华德·“威利”·梅斯，巨人队的中外野手，“威利”是“威廉”的昵称，但又有“男性生殖器”的意思。
　　【5】旧金山巨人队的一垒手。
　　【6】旧金山巨人队的外野手和一垒手。
　　【7】托马斯·弗兰克·哈勒旧金山巨人队捕手。