伍迪单口相声精选 第5期:机械物体Mechanical Objects

 　　Someone asked me if I would tell this story. A long time ago...It's a wierd story.

　　有人问我会不会说下面这个故事。那是很久以前的事了，一个很诡异的故事。
　　It was out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with a very big Hollywood producer, and at that time he wanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musical comedy out of the Dewey Decimal System.
　　这事发生在洛杉矶，我要去和好莱坞的一个大制片人会面。当时，他想用“杜威十进制系统”【1】精心制作一部立体声宽银幕的喜剧歌舞片。
　　And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown Los Angeles, and I walk into his elevator, and thereare no people in the elevator, no buttons on the wall or anything.
　　他们想让我来参与制作。我来到位于洛杉矶城中心的制片人大楼，我走进电梯，电梯里没一个人，壁面上也没有任何按钮之类的东西。
　　And I hear a voice say, "Kindly 1 call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone.
　　我听到有个声音说：“请说出你要去几层。”我环顾四周，只有我一个人。
　　And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principle and it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there.
　　我一下惊慌起来。我在墙上读到个说明，这是一种新式电梯，按声控原理工作，完全交给声音来控制，我只要报出想去的楼层，它就会送我上去。
　　So I say, "Three, please", and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three.
　　于是我说：“请到三楼。”电梯门合上了，开始上升来到三楼。
　　And on the way up I began to feel very self-conscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight New York accent, and the elevator spoke 2 quite well.
　　在这过程当中，我一下觉得很不好意思，因为我想我说话的口音带着点纽约腔，而电梯的发音却相当纯正。
　　I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard the elevator make a remark.
　　我走出电梯来到过道上，我回头看了一眼，我想我听到它在发表评论。
　　I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, you know, and I...didn't wanna get involved at the time with an elevator in Hollywood.
　　我马上转过身。电梯关上了门，往楼下开去，你知道，我可不想在那样的场合和好莱坞的一部电梯产生纷争。
　　But - this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part - I have never in my life had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort. Anything that I can't reason with or kiss or fondle, Iget into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise for some reason.
　　但这是那次之行的奇怪部分，剩下的事情还都正常。我这辈子和任何种类的机械物体都处不好关系。任何东西只要是我没法与其讲道理的、不能让我亲吻或爱抚的，我都会遇到麻烦。我有一个时钟不知什么缘故是逆时针走的。
　　My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it.
　　我的烤面包机会把我的面包片弹出来，一边抖一边烧。
　　I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water.
　　我恨死我的淋浴器了，我正在冲澡，有个美国人也在用水。
　　That's it for me, you know, I leap from the tub scolded.
　　我一下就受不了了，你知道，我从浴缸里一跃而出，全身多处烫伤。
　　I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes "I know, I know."
　　我还有台录音机，花了我150美元买的，当我对着它说完话后，放出来的声音却是：“我知道了，我知道了。”
　　About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore.
　　大概三年前左右，我终于再也忍受不下去了。
　　I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions.
　　有天晚上在家里，我召集我所有的物品开了个会。
　　I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender.
　　我把我拥有的每一件东西都搬到了客厅，我的烤面包机、我的时钟、我的搅拌机。
　　They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke.
　　它们以前从没进过客厅。我向它们发表讲话。我以一个笑话开场。
　　And then I said,"I know what's going on, and cut it out!"
　　然后我说到：“我知道你们是怎么回事，别再瞎胡闹了！”
　　I have a sun lamp, but as I sit under it, it rains on me.
　　我有一盏太阳灯【2】，当我坐在它下面时，它会用雨水淋我。
　　And I spoke to each appliance, I was really articulate.
　　然后我找每一件器具谈话，我非常善于表达。
　　Then I put them back, and I felt good.
　　完事后我又将它们归于原位，我感觉好多了。
　　Two nights later I'm watching my portable television set, and the set begins to jump up and down, and I go up to it. And I always talk before I hit.
　　两天后的一个夜晚，我正看着我那台便携式电视机，它却开始上下跳动起来，我朝它走了过去。我动手之前总是先动口。
　　And I said, "I thought we had discussed this, what's the problem?"
　　我说：“我想我们之间已经好好谈过了，这又是怎么回事？”
　　And the set kept going up and down, so I hit it, and it felt good hitting it, and I beat the hell out of it.
　　那台机子还在那儿上下跳动，于是我就揍了它。揍它的感觉爽极了，我狠狠的揍了它一顿。
　　I was really great, I tore off the antenna 3, and I felt very virile 4.
　　我真的很厉害，我一把扯掉它的天线，感觉自己特威猛。
　　And two days later I go to my dentist in New York. I had gone to my dentist, but I had a deep cavity, and he'd sent me to a chiropodist.
　　两天以后我要去纽约城里找我的牙医，之前我去看过牙医，因为我的牙齿蛀了个大洞，可他却让我去看手足病医生。
　　I'm going into a building in mid-town New York, and they have those elevators, and I hear a voice say,"Kindly call out your floors, please."And I say, "Sixteen." And the doors close and the elevator starts going up to sixteen.
　　我走进位于纽约城中心的一幢大楼，那里面装有电梯，我听见一个声音说：“请说出你要去几层。”我说：“十六层。”门关上了，电梯开始向上面的十六层开去。
　　And on the way up the elevator says to me "Are you the guy that hit the television set?"
　　在半途中电梯问我：“你是不是打电视机的那个家伙？”
　　I felt like an ass 5, you know, and it took me up and down fast between floors, and it threw me off in the basement. It yelled out something that was anti-semetic.
　　我立马傻了。电梯载着我在上下楼层之间快速颠簸，然后将我扔进了地下室。它还咆哮出一些反犹太主义言论。
　　The upshot of the story is, that day I called my parents, my father was fired.
　　故事的结局是那天我打电话给我父母，我父亲被解雇了。
　　He was technologically 6 unemployed 7. My father had worked for the same firm for twelve years.
　　由于技术上的原因他失业了。我父亲为这家公司干了12年。
　　They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget 8, this big, that does everything my father does, only it does it much better.
　　他们解雇了他，代替他的只是一个小小的部件，就那么一点儿，它可以承担起我父亲做的所有事，而且做得更好。
　　The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.
　　更加郁闷的是，我母亲也跑出去买了一个。
　　【1】杜威十进制图书分类系统由美国图书馆专家麦尔威·杜威于1876年发明，对世界图书馆分类学有相当大的影响。在这里打趣了降噪音的“杜比数字系统。
　　【2】模拟太阳紫外线，可以用来室内日光浴。