英语PK台 第397期:如何与怪脾气的不可理喻之人打交道?

 　　Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic 1 and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won't get you anywhere, though—odds are, they don't even see a problem. Many times impossible people cause endless conflicts and fights, which consume more time and energy than needed.

　　大多数人都认识这样一种人，他/她似乎能使每一种情况都变得有害并令人难以忍受。不过，指出这些人难以相处并且过分挑剔并不能使你达到任何目的。很可能，他们甚至未曾意识到任何问题。很多时候，这些不可相处之人带来了无尽的冲突和争斗，所消耗的时间和精力远超正常所需。
　　However, whether the conflict with such a person is caused by a personality disorder 2 or some other underlying 3 issue, you can learn how to navigate 4 interactions with impossible people and preserve your own sanity 5.
　　然而，无论与此种人的冲突是由人格障碍还是由其它一些潜在问题所造成，你都可以学习如何在与此类人的互动中时找到方向，并保持你的理智。
　　First, try to figure out why a person is‘impossible' to you. If you can describe what it is about the impossible person's personality that clashes with yours, you may be able to pinpoint 6 more specific ways to deal with him or her. It seems that there are four types of impossible people which are easily recognizable:
　　首先，试着弄清楚为何某个人对你来说是“难以相处的”。若你能描述出那个难以相处之人的个性怎样与你的个性不合，也许就能够找出更具体的方法来应对此人。（我们）似乎可以比较容易地辨识出四种难以相处之人：
　　Clinging types are insecure and can be desperate for affection and love because they feel weak and idolize stronger people.
　　执着型：缺乏安全感，因感到自身虚弱而不顾一切地索取关心和爱，崇拜强者。
　　Controlling types are often critical perfectionists who need to be right and often blame others for their behavior.
　　控制型：往往是挑剔的完美主义者，需要保持自己的一贯正确性，经常指责他人的行为。
　　Competitive types always want to win and often use any type of relationship, conversation or activity as a contest to prove they're better at something.
　　竞争型：总是想赢，经常把任何类型的关系、谈话或活动作为一场比赛，来证明他们擅长于某事。
　　Passive-aggressive people express their hostilities 7 indirectly 8 by subtly pushing other people's buttons. An example is the line, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," when you know that if you go on with whatever you were doing, there will be problems to deal with later.
　　消极攻击型：通过间接巧妙的方式操控他人行为，传达他们的敌意。举个例子，（他们会说），“不要担心我，我很好，”而这时候你就知道，不论你接下来做什么，后续都将要面对一大堆问题。
　　Second, how to deal with these types of impossible people when you land up in a conflict or disagreement with them? Although their personalities 9 may differ, the tips we provide in this article appear to be pretty useful in dealing 10 with conflicts with any of the four types we mentioned.
　　其次，当陷入与这种难以相处之人的冲突或分歧中时，你该如何应付呢？虽然他们的个性可能各有不同，我们在这篇文章中提供的建议似乎可以（帮你）很好地应对与上述四种类型的人的冲突。
　　1. Don't get defensive 11.
　　不要辩解。
　　Stay calm, and be aware that you will never win in an argument with an impossible person. He or she is referred to as "impossible" for a reason. In the impossible person's mind, you are the problem, and nothing you say can convince the person to see your side of the story.
　　保持冷静，并意识到，你永远不可能在与一个不可理喻之人的争论中赢得胜利。他/她被称为“不可相处”是有原因的。在这些人心中，你才是问题所在，无论你说什么都不能说服对方从你的角度看问题。
　　Think about what you are going to say before you say it and what your goal for the conversation is. Don't just react impulsively 12 because the other person offended you. You don't have to defend yourself to this person. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, don't say, "You are wrong." Try something like, "I feel like that statement may not be the whole truth."
　　在说话之前，想想你要说什么，思索一下你对话的目的是什么。不要因为对方冒犯了你而冲动行事。你不必为此人而进行自我辩解。使用“我”而不是“你”来进行陈述。例如，不要说“你错了”，试试“我觉得这种说法可能不是全部的真相”。
　　2. Realize you probably can't have a reasonable conversation.
　　意识到你可能无法进行一场理智的对话。
　　Recall every time you tried in the past to have a civilized 13 discussion with the person instead of a fight. You were probably blamed for everything instead. Therefore: Use silence or try to humor the person whenever you can. Know that you cannot "fix" impossible people. These people cannot and do not listen to reason. Don't deal with the person one-on-one. Always suggest that a third party be brought in. If the person refuses, demand it.
　　试着回想一下，在过去每次你想要与某位不可理喻之人进行文明的对话而非大打出手的场景。你可能因任何问题而被指责。因此：无论何时，只要情况允许，就对此人采取沉默或尝试幽它一默。要知道你不能“修复”那些不可理喻之人，（因为）这些人不可能也听不进任何道理。不要与他们处处针锋相对。（我们）始终建议通过第三方解决问题。如果遭到拒绝，也要提出此要求。
　　3. Don't take the reactions of impossible people personally, and don't allow yourself to become emotionally charged in reaction to him or her.
　　不要把这些不可理喻之人的反应往心里去（看作是对你个人的不满），不要允许自己对他/她做出情绪激动的反应。
　　Redirect the situation or conversation to something positive by focusing on something other than what the argument started about.
　　通过关注其它事情而不是争吵起因，把情况或谈话转到一些积极的事情上。
　　Consider the fact that anything you do or say while angry can be used against you. Impossible people want you to say something to prove that you're the bad guy. Talk about the weather, fishing, the impossible person's family really anything that will distract from the argument and is not likely to cause further conflict.
　　记住这个事实，那就是你在生气时做或说的任何事情都可以被用来对付你。不可理喻之人希望你说些什么来证明你就是那个坏人。谈论谈论天气、钓鱼、对方的家庭，任何会分散对方论点而又不大可能导致冲突加剧的话题。
　　4. Ask a thought-provoking question.
　　提出一个引人深思的问题。
　　Asking the impossible individual or the group you are dealing with a question regarding the issue, such as, "What is the problem?" or "Why do you feel this way?" can be helpful. It shows that you are engaged in the conversation and willing to find the source of the disagreement. Rephrasing the impossible person's position to illuminate 14 irrationality 15 can encourage an individual to come to a better conclusion.
　　对那个不可理喻的个人或群体提出一个你正在思考的与当前事件有关的问题，比如“难题是什么”或者“你为什么会有这样的感觉？”，这可能会有所帮助。这表明你正参与在当前的对话之中，并且愿意找出分歧的根源。改述这种人的观点以阐明（其中的）不合理之处，能够鼓励个人达成更好的结论。
　　5. Adjust your strategy.
　　调整你的战略。
　　Sometimes you can't leave the situation, so treat it like a game. Impossible people aren't so impossible when you can predict what the person is going to say or do next. Learn the impossible person's strategy, and develop counter strategies ahead of time. Eventually you'll find what works and what doesn't, plus you'll probably feel better as you realize you're three steps ahead, outwitting him or her at every turn.
　　有时你无法从某个情形中脱身，所以（不妨）把它看做一场游戏。当你能够预测对方接下来会说或做什么的时候，不可理喻之人就不再那么难以对付了。学习他们的策略，并提前制定应对之策。最终你会发现什么可行，什么不可行；再加上当你意识到（自己）前面还有三个妙招可取，让你处处胜过他/她一筹，你会感觉更好。
　　Just remember your ultimate goal is to help free yourself mentally, not become the person's master. If the impossible person still finds a way to get to you, then don't feel bad. Just make a note of what happened and devise new strategies for next time.
　　只要记住，你的最终目标是帮助自己放松心态，而不是成为另一个人的主人。如果这位不可理喻之人仍然让你痛苦不堪，不要感觉糟透了。记下已经发生过的事情并制定出新的策略。
　　6. Be confident.
　　要自信。
　　State your views with confidence and look the person in the eye when communicating with him or her. If you look at the ground or over his or her shoulder, this could be interpreted this as weak. You want to be regarded as reasonable but not timid. Hence, Check your body language.Become aware of your positioning, how you move and your facial expressions when around these people.
　　自信地陈述你的观点，在与他/她交流时，看着对方的眼睛。如果你看向地面或看着他/她肩膀后方，会被认为是软弱，而你想被认为是讲道理而非胆小怕事的。所以，请检查你的肢体语言。留意在这些人身旁时你的姿势，你如何移动身体以及你的面部表情。
　　We reveal a lot of our emotions non-verbally. You don't want to reveal your own feelings unknowingly. Also, this will help you maintain your own sense of calm, and may have a calming effect on the impossible person in the process. So speak softly, and move as calmly as possible, avoid confrontational 16 body language.
　　很多情感我们都是通过非口头的方式表达的，而你并不想在不知不觉中暴露自己的感情。此外，这也将有助于你保持自身冷静，并可能在此过程中对对方产生镇定作用。所以，轻声细语，动作尽量平和，避免对抗性的肢体语言（比如长时间的眼神接触、攻击性的姿势、用手指着对方或正冲着对面的人站立。保持中性的面部表情，不要摇晃头部，不要（离得太近而）跨入对方的私人空间。）
　　7. Ignore them and take a deep breath.
　　不理睬他们，并深呼吸。
　　Impossible people want attention, so once they realize you won't give them what they want, they will move onto someone else who will react to them. Impossible peoples' outbursts are like a child's tantrum. Pay them no mind unless the outburst becomes disruptive, dangerous or threatening. Do your best to avoid angering impossible people or giving them a reason to lose their temper. Especially if the person you're talking with is getting on your last nerve, then you need to step away from the situation. Walking away or handling another task so you two can calm down is a good idea.
　　这些人渴望被关注，所以一旦他们意识到你不会给他们想要的东西时，就会转向其他人求取回应。他们爆发时就像小孩子发脾气。不必理睬他们，除非这爆发是破坏性的、危险的或具有威胁性的。尽量避免激怒这些难搞的人们或给他们一个发脾气的理由。尤其是，如果与你谈话的人就差那么一点就要让你发火，你需要做的就是离开当前的情境。走开或去处理另一项任务从而使你俩都冷静下来会是一个好主意。