【荆棘鸟】第七章 06

"No. But belief doesn't rest on proof of existence, Mary. It rests on faith, and faith is the touchstone of the Church. Without faith, there is nothing."
"A very "No. But belief doesn't rest on proof of existence, Mary. It rests on faith, and faith is the touchstone of the Church. Without faith, there is nothing."
"A very ephemeral tenet."
"Perhaps. Faith's born in a man or a woman, I think. For me it's a constant struggle, I admit that, but I'll never give up."
"I would like to destroy you."
His blue eyes laughed, greyed in the light. "Oh, my dear Mary! I know that."
"But do you know why?"
A terrifying tenderness crept against him, almost inside him, except that he fought it fiercely. "I know why, Mary, and believe me, I'm sorry."
"Besides your mother, how many women have loved you?" "Did my mother love me, I wonder? She ended in hating me, anyway. Most women do. My name ought to have been Hippolytos."
"Ohhhhhh! That tells me a lot!"
"As to other women, I think only Meggie . . . But she's a little girl. It's probably not an exaggeration to say hundreds of women have wanted me, but loved me? I doubt it very much."
"I have loved you," she said pathetically.
"No, you haven't. I'm the goad 1 of your old age, that's all. When you look at me I remind you of what you cannot do, because of age."
"You're wrong. I have loved you. God, how much! Do you think my years automatically preclude 2 it? Well, Father de Bricassart, let me tell you something. Inside this stupid body I'm still young-I still feel, I still want, I still dream, I still kick up my heels and chafe 3 at restrictions 4 like my body. Old age is the bitterest vengeance 5 our vengeful God inflicts 6 upon us. Why doesn't He age our minds as well?" She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, her teeth showing sourly. "I shall go to Hell, of course. But before I do, I hope I get the chance to tell God what a mean, spiteful, pitiful apology of a God He is!"
"You were a widow too long. God gave you freedom of choice, Mary. You could have remarried. If you chose not to remarry and in consequence you've been intolerably lonely, it's your own doing, not God's." . For a moment she said nothing, her hands gripping the chair arms hard; then she began to relax, and opened her eyes. They glittered in the lamplight redly, but not with tears; with something harder, more brilliant. He caught his breath, felt fear. She looked like a spider.
"Ralph, on my desk is an envelope. Would you bring it to me, please?" Aching and afraid, he got up and went to her desk, lifted the letter, eyed it curiously 7. The face of it was blank, but the back had been properly sealed with red wax and her ram's head seal with the big D. He brought it to her and held it out, but she waved him to his seat without taking it. "It's yours," she said, and giggled 8. "The instrument of your fate, Ralph, that's what it is. My last and most telling thrust in our long battle. What a pity I won't be here to see what happens. But I know what will happen, because I know you, I know you much better than you think I do. Insufferable conceit 9! Inside that envelope lies the fate of your life and your soul. I must lose you to Meggie, but I've made sure she doesn't get you, either." "Why do you hate Meggie so?"
"I told you once before. Because you love her."
"Not in that way! She's the child I can never have, the rose of my life. Meggie is an idea, Mary, an idea!"
But. the old woman sneered 10. "I don't want to talk about your precious Meggie! I shall never see you again, so I don't want to waste my time with you talking about her. The letter. I want you to swear on your vows 11 as a priest that you don't open it until you've seen my dead body for yourself, but then that you open it immediately, before you bury me. Swear!" "There's no need to swear, Mary. I'll do as you ask."
"Swear to me or I'll take it back!"
He shrugged 12. "All right, then. On my vows as a priest I swear it. Not to open the letter until I've seen you dead, and then to open it before you're buried"
"Good, good!"
"Mary, please don't worry. This is a fancy of yours, no more. In the morning you'll laugh at it."
"I won't see the morning. I'm going to die tonight; I'm not weak enough to wait on the pleasure of seeing you again. What an anticlimax 13! I'm going to bed now. Will you take me to the top of the stairs?"
He didn't believe her, but he could see it served no purpose to argue, and she was not in the mood to be jollied out of it. Only God decided 14 when one would die, unless, of the free will He had given, one took one's own life. And she had said she wouldn't do that. So he helped her pant up the stairs and at the top took her hands in his, bent 15 to kiss them. She pulled them away. "No, not tonight. On my mouth, Ralph! Kiss my mouth as if we were lovers!"
By the brilliant light of the chandelier, lit for the party with four hundred wax candles, she saw the disgust in his face, the instinctive 16 recoil 17; she wanted to die then, wanted to die so badly she could not wait.
"Mary, I'm a priest! I can't!"
She laughed shrilly 18, eerily 19. "Oh, Ralph, what a sham 20 you are! Sham man, sham priest! And to think once you actually had the temerity 21 to offer to make love to me! were you so positive I'd refuse? How I wish I hadn't! I'd give my soul to see you wriggle 22 out of it if we could have that night back again! Sham, sham, sham! That's all you are, Ralph! An impotent, useless sham! Impotent man and impotent priest! I don't think you could get it up and keep it up for the Blessed Virgin 23 herself! Have you ever managed to get it up, Father de Bricassart? Sham!"
 

"没见到过。但是，信仰并不建立在存在的证据之上，玛丽，它存在于信念之中，信念是教会的试金石。没有信念，就一无所有。"
　　"一个非常短命的信条。"
　　"也许吧。我认为，信念产生于一个男人或女人的内心。对我来说，这是一个不断斗争的过程，这一点我承认，但是我决不会屈服的。"
　　"我倒愿意让你失败。"
　　他那双湛蓝的眼睛里充满了笑意，在灯光下变成了灰色。"哦，亲爱的玛丽！这个我知道。"
　　"可我知道这是为什么吗？"
　　一种可怕的敏感使他感到颤栗，要不是他拼命地抗拒的话，这种感觉几乎充溢了整个身心。"我知道是为什么，玛丽，请相信我，我甚感抱歉。"
　　"除了你母亲以外，有多少女人曾爱过你？"
　　"我母亲爱我吗？我怀疑。不管怎么样。她临终的时候是讨厌我的。大部分女人都是这样的。我的名字本来应该叫希波吕托斯。"
　
　　"哦--！这就向我说明了许多东西！"
　　"至于说到其他女人，我想只有梅吉爱我……可她是个小姑娘。要说有几百个女人想得到我，也许并不过份；但是，她们爱我吗？我对此甚表怀疑。"
　　"我爱过你，"她忧郁地说道。
　　"不，你没有爱过我。我是你暮年时期的刺激物，如此而已。当你看着我的时候，我使你想起了你由于年纪而不能干的事。"
　　"你错了。我爱过你。上帝，我是多么爱你呀！认为我的年龄能自然而然地排除这种爱吗？哦。德·布里克萨特神父，我告诉你一些情况吧。在这个蠢笨的身体之内，我依然是年轻的--我依然有感情，依然有愿望，依然有梦想，依然生气盎然；这些东西由于受到了我躯体的束缚而焦操难忍。衰老是我们那富于报复性的上帝加给我们的最厉害的报复。为什么他不让我们的思想也衰老呢？"她靠在椅子上，合起了双眼，愤怒地露出了牙齿。"当然，我将要下地狱的。但是，在我下地狱之前，我期望我能够有机会告诉上帝，他是个自私的、满腹恶意的、可怜地为信仰进行辩护的人！"
　　"你孀居太久了。上帝给了你选择的自由，玛丽。你本来可以再婚的。倘若你没有选择再婚。结果使你处于无法容忍的孤独之中，这是你自己造成的，而不是上帝造成的。"
　　有那么一阵工夫，她一言不发，两手紧紧地抓住椅子的扶手；随后，她渐渐放松下来，睁开了眼睛。那双眼睛在红色的灯光下熠熠闪光，但是没有泪水；只是由于某种难以忍受的情绪而显得更亮罢了，他屏住呼吸，心中感到恐惧。她看上去就像是一只蜘蛛。
　　"拉尔夫，我的写字台上有一个信封。你能把它给我拿过来吗？"
　　他觉得身上发痛，心里害怕。他站起来，向她的写字台走去，拿起了那封信，好奇地看了它一眼。信皮上空空如也，可是，信的背面却用火漆紧紧地封着，并且盖上了写着一个大"D"字的公羊图章。他把信给她拿了过去，放到了她的面前；可是她没有接那封信，而是向他挥挥手，让他回到自己的座位上去。
　　"这是你的，"她说着，咯咯地笑了起来。"拉尔夫，这是有关你命运的文件，就是这么回事。这是我对咱们之间长期争论的最后的、最有力的一击。我不能在这里看到即将发生的事情了，真是可惜。但是，我知道将会发生什么，因为我了解你，我对你的了解比你认为我对你的了解要沉刻得多。你身上有一种令人难以容忍的自负！在那个信封里放着你的命运和灵魂。我肯定把你输给梅吉了，但是我坚信她也得不到你。"
　　"你为什么这样恨梅吉呢？"
　　"以前我告诉过你一次。因为你爱她。"
　　"但不是那种爱！她是个我永远也不会得到的孩子，是我生活中的一枝玫瑰花。梅吉只是一个理想，玛丽，是一个理想！"
　　但是，那老太太轻蔑地一笑。"我不想谈你那宝贝的梅吉！我不会再见到你了，所以，我不想跟你谈论她而浪费时间。关于这封信，我希望你以一个教士的身份立誓，在你亲眼见到我的死尸之前不打开它，但是在我下葬之前，你马上就打开它。起誓吧！"
　　"这没有起誓的必要，玛丽。我会按照你的要求去做的。"
　　"对我起誓，不然我就把它收回！"
　　他耸了耸肩。"那么，好吧。我以教士的名义起誓：在我没有见到你逝世之前，不打开这封信，然后，在你下葬之前打开它。"
　　"好，好！"
　　"玛丽，请不用担心。这只不过是你的想象罢了。一到早晨。你会笑话它的。"
　　"我不会看到早晨了。我今天晚上就要死，我已经虚弱到无法等待着再见到你时的喜悦了。这是怎样的一个急转直下啊！现在，我要上床去了，你能送我到楼梯上去吗？"
　　他并不相信她的话，但他明白，争论是没有用的，再说，她也没有股开这个念头而高兴起来的情绪。只有上帝才能决定一个人什么时候死，除非他将一个人停止自己生命的生由意志交给这个人。但是她已经说过，她不会这样做的。于是，他便帮她气喘吁吁地爬上了楼梯，在楼梯顶上，他将她的手放在了自己的手中，低头吻了吻她的手。
　　她把自己的手抽了回来。"不，今天晚上不能只吻我的手。吻我的嘴，拉尔夫！吻我的嘴，就象我们是情人一样！"
　　枝形灯上有四百支蜡烛，照亮了整个宴会厅。借着这辉煌的灯光，她看到他脸上露出的厌恶的表情，一种本能的畏缩；这时，她盼望着能死去。她渴望一死了之，急切难耐了。
　　"玛丽，我是个教士，我不能！"
　　她刺耳地、令人毛骨悚然地笑了起来。"哦，拉尔夫，你多虚伪啊！虚伪的男人，虚伪的教士！想一想吧，有一回你实际上鲁莽地问我是不是想跟你做爱呢！你是非常确信我会拒绝，对吗？我多希望我当时没有拒绝！要是我们能让那天夜晚再回来的话，我情愿出卖我的灵魂，来看看你是如何千方百计地摆脱那天晚上的困境的。虚伪，虚伪，虚伪！你就是这么回事，拉尔夫！一个软弱的、无能的男人，虚伪的教士！我想，你在圣母玛丽亚的面前还能装模作样，并且伪装到底吗？德·布里克萨特神父，你一直就是这样装模作样的吧？虚伪！"