【荆棘鸟】第七章 08

For some reason that hurt, hurt right down to his soul as Mary Carson’s cruel taunts 1 had not. “No, Meggie, you’re right. It isn’t in me.” He sprang up, smiling wryly 2. “Would you think it strange if I said I wished it was?” He put a hand to his head. “No, I don’t wish it was at all! Go home, Meggie, go home!”Her face was sad. “Good night, Father.”He took her hands in his, bent 3 and kissed them. “Good night, dearest Meggie.” He watched her walk across the graves, step over the railing; in the rosebud 4 dress her retreating form was graceful 5, womanly and a little unreal. Ashes of roses. “How appropriate,” he said to the angel. Cars were roaring away from Droghedas as he strolled back across the lawn; the party was finally over. Inside, the band was packing away its instruments, reeling with rum and exhaustion 6, and the tired maids and temporary helpers were trying to clear up. Father Ralph shook his head at Mrs. Smith. “Send everyone to bed, my dear. It’s a lot easier to deal with this sort of thing when you’re fresh. I’ll make sure Mrs. Carson isn’t angry.” “Would you like something to eat, Father?” “Good Lord, no! I’m going to bed.” In the late afternoon a hand touched his shoulder. He reached for it blindly without the energy to open his eyes, and tried to hold it against his cheek. “Meggie,” he mumbled 7. “Father, Father! Oh, please will you wake up?” At the tone of Mrs. Smith’s voice his eyes came suddenly very awake. “What is it, Mrs. Smith?” “It’s Mrs. Carson, Father. She’s dead.” His watch told him it was after six in the evening; dazed and reeling from the heavy torpor 8 the day’s terrible heat had induced in him, he struggled out of his pajamas 9 and into his priest’s clothes, threw a narrow purple stole around his neck and took the oil of extreme unction, the holy water, his big silver cross, his ebony rosary beads 10. It never occurred to him for a moment to wonder if Mrs. Smith was right; he knew the spider was dead. Had she taken something after all? Pray God if she had, it was neither obviously present in the room nor obvious to a doctor. What possible use it was to administer extreme unction he didn’t know. But it had to be done. Let him refuse and there would be post-mortems, all sorts of complications. Yet it had nothing to do with his sudden suspicion of suicide; simply that to him laying sacred things on Mary Carson’s body was obscene. She was very dead, must have died within minutes of retiring, a good fifteen hours earlier. The windows were closed fast, and the room humid from the great flat pans of water she insisted be put in every inconspicuous corner to keep her skin youthful. There was a peculiar 11 noise in the air; after a stupid moment of wondering he realized what he heard were flies, hordes 12 of flies buzzing, insanely clamoring as they feasted on her, mated on her, laid their eggs on her. “For God’s sake, Mrs. Smith, open the windows!” he gasped 13, moving to the bedside, face pallid 14. She had passed out of rigor 15 mortis and was again limp, disgustingly so. The staring eyes were mottling, her thin lips black; and everywhere on her were the flies. He had to have Mrs. Smith keep shooing them away as he worked over her, muttering the ancient Latin exhortations 16. What a farce 17, and she accursed. The smell of her! Oh, God! Worse than any dead horse in the freshness of a paddock. He shrank from touching 18 her in death as he had in life, especially those flyblown lips. She would be a mass of maggots within hours. At last it was done. He straightened. “Go to Mr. Cleary at once, Mrs. Smith, and for God’s sake tell him to get the boys working on a coffin 19 right away. No time to have one sent out from Gilly; she’s rotting away before our very eyes. Dear lord! I feel sick. I’m going to have a bath and I’ll leave my clothes outside my door. Burn them. I’ll never get the smell of her out of them.” Back in his room in riding breeches and shirt—for he had not packed two soutanes—he remembered the letter, and his promise. Seven o’clock had struck; he could hear a restrained chaos 20 as maid sand temporary helpers flew to clear the party mess away, transform the reception room back into a chapel 21, ready the house for tomorrow’s funeral. No help for it, he would have to go into Gilly tonight to pick up another soutane and vestments for the Requiem 22 Mass. Certain things he was never without when he left the presbytery for an outlying station, carefully strapped 23 in compartments 24 in the little black case, his sacraments for birth, death, benediction 25, worship, and the vestments suitable for Mass at whatever time of the year it was. But he was an Irishman, and to carry the black mourning accouterments of a Requiem was to tempt 26 fate. Paddy’s voice echoed in the distance, but he could not face Paddy at the moment; he knew Mrs.Smith would do what had to be done. Sitting at his window looking out over the vista 27 of Drogheda in the dying sun, the ghost gums golden, the mass of red and pink and white roses in the garden all empurpled, he took Mary Carson’s letter from his case and held it between his hands. But she had insisted he read it before he buried her, and somewhere in his mind a little voice was whispering that he must read it now, not later tonight after he had seen Paddy and Meggie, but now before he had seen anyone save Mary Carson. It contained four sheets of paper; he riffled them apart and saw immediately that the lower two were her will. The top two were addressed to him, in the form of a letter. 
 
My dearest Ralph,You will have seen that the second document in this envelope is my will. I already have a perfectly 28 good will signed and sealed in Harry 29 Gough’s office in Gilly; the will enclosed here in is a much later one, and naturally nullifies the one Harry has. As a matter of fact I made it only the other day, and had it witnessed by Tom and the fencer, since I understand it is not permissible 30 to have any beneficiary witness one’s will. It is quite legal, in spite of the fact Harry didn’t draw it up for me. No court in the land will deny its validity, I assure you. But why didn’t I have Harry draw this testament 31 if I wanted to alter the disposition 32 of my effects? Very simple, my dear Ralph. I wanted absolutely no one to know of this will’s existence apart from you, and me. This is the only copy, and you hold it. Not a soul knows that you do. A very important part of my plan. Do you remember that piece of the Gospel where Satan took Our Lord Jesus Christ up onto a mountaintop, and tempted 33 Him with the whole world? How pleasant it is to know I have a little of Satan’s power, and am able to tempt the one I love (do you doubt Satan loved Christ? I do not) with the whole world. The contemplation of your dilemma 34 has considerably 35 enlivened my thoughts during the past few years, and the closer I get to dying, the more delightful 36 my visions become. After you’ve read the will, you’ll understand what I mean. While I burn in Hell beyond the borders of thislife I know now, you’ll still be in that life, but burningin a hell with fiercer flames than any God could possibly manufacture. Oh, my Ralph, I’ve gauged 37 you to a nicety! If I never knew how to do anything else, I’ve always known how to make the ones I love suffer. And you’re far better game than my dear departed Michael ever was. When I first knew you, you wanted Drogheda and my money, didn’t you, Ralph? You saw it as a way to buy back your natural métier. But then came Meggie, and you put your original purpose in cultivating me out of your mind, didn’t you? I became an excuse to visit Drogheda so you could be with Meggie. I wonder could you have switched allegiances so easily had you known how much I’m actually worth? Do you know, Ralph? I don’t think you have an inkling. I suppose it isn’t ladylike to mention the exact sum of one’s assets in one’s will, so I had better tell you here just to make sure you have all the necessary information at your fingertips when it comes to your making a decision. Give or take a few hundred thousands, my fortune amounts to some thirteen million pounds. I’m getting down toward the foot of the second page, and I can’t be bothered turning this into a thesis. Read my will, Ralph, and after you’ve read it, decide what you’re going to do with it. Will you tender it to Harry Gough for probate, or will you burn it and never tell a soul it existed. That’s the decision you’ve got to make. I ought to add that the will in Harry’s office is the one I made the year after Paddy came, and leaves everything I have to him. Just so you know what hangs in the balance. Ralph, I love you, so much I would have killed you for not wanting me, except that this is a far better form of reprisal 38. I’m not the noble kind; I love you but I want you to scream in agony. Because, you see, I know what your decision will be. I know it as surely as if I could be there, watching. You’ll scream, Ralph, you’ll know what agony is. So read on, my beautiful, ambitious priest! Read my will, and decide your fate. It was not signed or initialed. He felt the sweat on his forehead, felt it running down the back of his neck from his hair. And he wanted to get up that very moment to burn both documents, never read what the second one contained. But she had gauged her quarry 39 well, the gross old spider. Of course he would read on; he was too curious to resist. God! What had he ever done, to make her want to do this to him? Why did women make him suffer so? Why couldn’t he have been born small, twisted, ugly? If he were so, hemight have been happy.
 

由于某种原因，这话是伤人感情的，比玛丽·卡森那冷酷的奚落话还刺伤他的灵魂。"没有，梅吉，你说得对。我没有那种事。"他跳了起来，苦笑着。"要是我说，我希望有那种事，你会觉得奇怪吗！"他将一只手放在自己的头顶上。"不，我根本就不想有这种事！回家吧，梅吉，回家！"
　　她面色凄楚。"晚安，神父。"
　　他拉住了她的双手，弯下腰，吻了吻。"晚安，最亲爱的梅吉。"
　　他目送着她穿过墓地，迈过横栏；她那穿着绣满了玫瑰花苞衣服的远去的身影十分优美，富于女子气，显得略有些缥缈。玫瑰灰色的。"多么恰到好处啊，"他对那尊守护神说道。
　　当他漫步穿过草坪往回走的时候，许多汽车轰响着离开了德罗海达，宴会终于散场了。屋子里，乐队队员正在把乐器装进盒子；他们已经被兰姆酒和疲劳弄得摇摇晃晃了。筋疲力竭的女仆和临时工打算把屋子清理出来。拉尔夫神父向史密斯太大摇摇头。
　　"让大伙儿都睡觉去吧，亲爱的。你们精力充沛的时候对付这种事要容易得多。我保证不让玛丽·卡森发火。"
　　"您还想吃点什么吗；神父？"
　　"老天爷呀，不吃啦！我要去睡觉。"
　　将近傍晚的时候，一只手碰了碰他的肩头。他懒洋洋地睁开眼睛，迷迷糊糊地去抓那只手，想把那只手贴在他的面颊上。
　　"梅吉。"他含混不清地说道。
　　"神父，神父！哦，请你起来好吗？"
　　一听见史密斯太太的声音，他的眼光突然变得异常清醒了。"怎么回事，史密斯太太？"
　　"是玛丽·卡森的事。神父，她死啦。"
　　他看了看表，已经是傍晚六点多钟了。由于极度的迟钝使他头昏眼花，摇摇晃晃，这是白昼可怕的暑热造成的、他挣扎着脱去了睡衣，穿上教士的衣服，匆匆忙忙地将一条很窄的、紫红色圣带往脖子上一套，拿上了临终涂油、圣水、那只大银十字架和乌木念珠。他连想都没有想过史密斯太太的话是否对头；他知道那老蜘蛛已经死了。她到底吃下过什么东西没有？祈祷上帝，要是她吃过的话，那么，在这个房间中没有明显的迹象，医生也没有看出什么明显的可疑之处。他不知道，举行涂油礼能有什么用处。可是又非举行不可。他要是拒绝举行涂油礼，要求进行验尸，一切错综复杂的情况都会出现的。然而，这完全无助于他心中突然升起的有关自戕的疑云；让他把圣经放到玛丽·卡森的尸体上。简直让人厌恶透顶。
　　她已经彻底死去了，一定是在她就寝后几分钟之内去世的，足足有15个小时了。窗户都关得紧紧的，房间里由于有一些装着水的大平底盘而显得溽潮；这此平底盘是她执意要放在每一个不起眼的角落里，以便使她的皮肤保持鲜嫩。空气中有一种奇特的声音，他愚蠢地纳了一会儿闷，才明白他听到的是苍蝇发出的嗡嗡嘤嘤的声音。它们大轰大嗡地在她身上作乐，紧附着她，在她身上交配产卵。
　　"看在上帝的份上，史密斯太太，把窗子打开！"他喘了口气，向外面走去，脸色苍白。
　　她的僵硬已经过去，尸体又变软了，所以令人作呕。呆滞的眼球呈现出一种说不出的颜色，薄薄的双唇已经发黑；她的身上到处都落满了苍蝇。在他对她履行职务，轻声念着古拉丁文劝戒经的时候，不得不让史密斯太太在一旁轰着苍蝇，这是一场多么滑稽的戏啊，她太可憎了。这是也散发出来的气味！啊，上帝！比清新的牧场上的任何一匹死马都要难闻。他不愿意像她活着时那样碰她的身体，尤其是那苍蝇下了蛆的嘴唇。几个小时以后她身上恐怕就会生满密密的蛆了。
　　终于，职责履行完毕。他直起腰来。"史密斯太太，马上去找克利里先生，看在上帝的份上，告诉他，让他的孩子们马上做一具棺材，没有时间派人去基里了，不然，我们会眼睁睁地看着她腐烂的。天哪！我觉得恶心。我要去洗个澡，把衣服拥在我的门外，烧掉。我再也不想从这些衣服上闻到她的气味。"
　　他穿着马裤和衬衫走进了自己的房间时--因为他行李中没有带备用的法衣--他想起了那封信和他的诺言。已经打过7点了；当女仆和临时工们飞快地清理宴会的残羹剩汁，把客厅又改成小教堂，为明天的葬礼做准备的时候，他能听到一片压抑的嘈杂声。没办法，他只得今晚到基里去一趟，另取一件法衣和作追思弥撒的家服。他到边远的牧场时，有几样东西是从不离身的，总是仔细地打在小黑箱子的格子中，那就是为生育、死亡、祝福、礼奔而用的圣餐，适合于一年中任何时候用的法衣。可是，他是个爱尔兰人，携带着黑色的、作追思弥撒用的法器是冒险。帕迪的声音在远处回响着，不过现在他不能和帕迪打照面。他知道，史密斯太太会把要做的事做好。
　　他坐在窗边，眺望着夕阳中德罗海达的景色。魔鬼桉镀上了金黄，花园中，一丛一簇的红色、粉色和白色玫瑰都被染成了红色。他从自己的箱子里拿出了玛丽·卡森的信，捧在手中。她坚持要他在她的葬礼之前看这封信，但是，他头脑中有一个声音在喃喃地说，他必须现在看。不是在今晚见到帕迪和梅吉之后看，而是现在就看。除玛丽·卡森之外，他现在还没见到任何人。
　　信中装着四张纸。他将它们捻开，马上就看到下面的两张是她的遗嘱。上面两张是以一封信的形式写给他的。
　　我最亲爱的拉尔夫：
　　在这个信封中你看到的第二个文件是我的遗嘱。我早先写过一份十分完备的、经过签字、加封的遗嘱，存在基里的哈里·高夫的办事处。这里面封入的遗嘱所立的时间要迟得多。自然，哈里处的那一份就失效了。
　　事实上，我是前几天才立下它的，并且由汤姆和修篱工作证，因为我知道，任何受益人都不许给遗嘱作证。这份遗嘱是合法的，尽管它不是哈里为我草拟的。我向你担保，世界上没有一家法院能否认它的合法性。
　　但是，如果我想要对我的财产处置加以改变的话，为什么我不让哈里起草这份遗嘱呢？非常简单，我亲爱的拉尔夫。因为我想除了你和我以外，不让任何人知道尚有这份遗嘱的存在。这是唯一的一份，你保管着它。没有一个人知道你持有这份遗嘱。这是我的计划的一个非常重要的组成部分。
　　你还记得福音书中魔鬼将我主耶酥基督带到了一座山项上，用整个世界诱惑他的那段事情吗？当知道我拥有一点儿撒旦的力量，并用整个世界来诱惑我所爱的人（你怀疑撒旦爱基督吗？我不怀疑），该是多么愉快呀。过去几年中，我对你进退维谷的处境的观察使我心中十分快活，我越接近死亡，我的梦幻就变得越使人快活。
　　你读过遗嘱之后，就会明白我的意思了。我现在就知道，当我在阳界之外的地狱中被焚烧的时候，你依然留在阳间，但是，却在另一个地狱中忍受着比上帝可能制造出来的更为猛烈的火焰的焚烧。哦，我的拉尔夫，我能对你进行毫厘不差的评价啊！如果说，我根本不懂得其他的事情该怎么去做的话，你却始终知道怎样让我所爱的人受苦受难。而你是一个比我那已故的、亲爱的迈克尔好得多的目标。
　　当我第一次认识你的时候，你就想得到德罗海达和我的钱财，对吗，拉尔夫？你想用它作为你的进身之阶。可是后来梅吉来了，你就把最初和我交往的目的排除出了你的头脑，对吗？我成了你拜访德罗海达的一个借口，这样你就可以和梅吉在一起了。我不清楚，你能这样快就改变你的忠诚吗？你对我的实际价值到底了解多少？你知道吗，拉尔夫，我认为你是根本不了解的。我想，在一个人的遗嘱中提到其确切的财产数字不符合贵妇人的身份，所以，此处我最好仅向你保证，当你需要作出决定的时候，你手边会有一切必要的资料供你使用的。随你送人或取用区区几十万镑吧，我的财产数量大约有一千三百万镑吧。
　　第二页马上就要写满了，我不耐烦把这封信写成一篇论文。读一读我的遗嘱吧，拉尔夫。读完之后，你就会决定怎么处置它了。你是把它正式提交给哈里·高夫以接受法律检验呢，还是把它烧掉，永远也不告诉任何人，曾经有过这么一份遗嘱？这是你不得不做出的决定。我应当补充一下，哈里办事处的那份遗嘱，是我在帕迪来这里一年之后立下的，把我拥有的一切都留给他了。只有这样，你才能知道应当如何进行权衡。
　　拉尔夫，我爱你，因为你不想得到我，我多么想杀掉你啊；但除那样做以外，用这种办法进行报复要好得多。我不是那种高尚的人。我爱你，但是却希望你在痛苦中尖声呼喊。你知道，因为我清楚你将会做出什么样的决定。我了解这一点，就象我身临其境，亲眼所见一样地有把握。你会痛苦叫喊的，拉尔夫，你会明白极度痛苦是怎么一回事的。那么，就接着读下去吧，我的英俊的、野心勃勃的教士！读一读我的遗嘱，决定你的命运吧！
　
　　这封信既没有签名，也没有缩写的签署。他觉得脑门上冒出了一片汗水，一直顺着头发流到脖子后面。有那么一瞬间，他真想站起来把这两份文件一烧了事，决不看那第二份文件的内容。但是，她对她追求对象的估计是准确的，这个臃肿的老蜘蛛。当然，他会接着看下去的，他好奇之极，难以抵御这种诱惑。上帝呀！他做过什么事使她这样对待他？为什么他不生得矮小、怪僻、丑陋不堪呢？倘若他是那副模样的话，他也许会很幸福的。