【荆棘鸟】第六章 20

There was no way she could come to terms with death; she lay night after night in a confused terror, trying to imagine if death was perpetual night, or an abyss of flames she had to jump over to reach the golden fields on the far side, or a sphere like the inside of a gigantic balloon full of soaring choirs 1 and light attenuated 2 through limitless stained-glass windows. She grew very quiet, but in a manner quite different from Stuart's peaceful, dreamy isolation 3; hers was the petrified 4 freezing of an animal caught in the serpent's basilisk stare. If she was spoken to suddenly she jumped, if the little ones cried for her she fussed over them in an agony of expiation 5 for her neglect. And whenever she had a rare moment to herself she ran away, down to the cemetery 6 and Hal, who was the only dead person she knew.
Everyone noticed the change in her, but accepted it as Meggie growing up without once asking themselves what growing up for Meggie entailed 7; she hid her distress 8 too well. The old lessons had been well learned; her self-control was phenomenal and her pride formidable. No one must ever know what went on inside her, the facade 9 must continue flawless to the end; from Fee to Frank to Stuart the examples were there, and she was of the same blood, it was a part of her nature and her heritage. But as Father Ralph paid his frequent visits to Drogheda and the change in Meggie deepened from a pretty feminine metamorphosis to a quenching 10 of all her vitality 11, his concern for her mushroomed into worry, and then into fear. A physical and spiritual wasting away was taking place beneath his very eyes; she was slipping away from them, and he couldn't bear to see her become another Fee. The small pointed 12 face was all eyes staring at some dreadful prospect 13, the milky 14 opaque 15 skin which never tanned or freckled 16 was growing more translucent 17. If the process went on, he thought, she would one day disappear into her own eyes like a snake swallowing its tail, until she drifted through the universe as an almost invisible shaft 18 of glassy grey light, seen only from the corner of the vision where shadows lurk 19 and black things crawl down a white wall.
Well, he would find out if he had to wring 20 it from her forcibly. Mary Carson was at her most demanding these days, jealous of every moment he spent down at the head stockman's house; only the infinite patience of a subtle, devious 21 man kept his rebellion against her possessiveness hidden from her. Even his alien preoccupation with Meggie 
 

她无法想象大限来临时是什么样子，她夜复一夜地惶恐地躺在那里，试图想象死亡就是永恒的黑夜；或者是通往远方金色乐土而要跳越过去的一条冒着火焰的深渊；或者是置身在一个巨大的圆球之中，里面站满了歌声直于云霄的唱诗班和从其大无比的彩色玻璃窗内透进来的淡淡的光线。
　　她变得非常沉默了，不过，她的样子和斯图那种宁静的、如梦如痴般的孤独完全不一样。她的神态就象是一只在巨蛇怪的凝视下吓得一动不动的小动物。要是有人猛地和她讲话，她会跳起来；要是那一对婴儿哭着要她，她也会因为忽略了他们而深感痛苦，赶紧大惊小怪地乱忙一通，以补其过。不管什么时候，只要她有片刻空闲，便要跑到墓地去看哈尔，他是她唯一认识的死者。
　
　　每个人都发觉了她的变化，但是他们仅仅认为这是因为她长大了；他们从未亲自问过她那不断加重的思想负担是为了什么。她把自己的抑郁之情掩藏得太好了。往日的教训已经被彻底接受，她具有非凡的自我控制能力和强烈的自尊心。谁都不会知道她心里在想什么，表面的不动声色会保持到底的，菲、弗兰克和斯图尔特已经是有例在先，而她身上也流动着同样的血液，这是她本性的一部分，是她继承下来的遗产。
　　但是，由于拉尔夫神父常常以德罗海达来，他发现梅吉的身上起了深刻的变化，从一个俏丽的姑娘变成了一个毫无生气的人。因此他的关怀便迅速地变成了担扰，随后又变成了恐惧。这种衣带渐宽、精神不振都是在他那锐利的双眼下发生的；她悄悄地从他的身边疏远，他无法容忍她变成另一个菲。那尖削的小脸瘦得只剩下一对呆望着可怕前景的眼睛，那从未被晒黑过或长过雀斑的柔弱暗涩的皮肤变得更加半透明了。他想，倘若这种情况继续下去的话，她就会象吞下了自己尾巴的蛇那样，在自我折磨中把自己搞垮。
　　唔，他要想想他是否必须采取强制手段扭转她的这种状态、这些日子，玛丽·卡森盘问得极严，对他在牧工头家度过的每一刻都充满了嫉炉，而这位不动声色、城府甚深的男人只好用无比的耐心来对抗她那隐藏的占有欲。即使他在梅吉的身上格外倾注心力。