【荆棘鸟】第七章 07

 Outside it was not yet dawn, or the lightening before it. Darkness lay soft, thick and very hot over Drogheda. The revels 1 were becoming extremely noisy; if the homestead had possessed 2 next-door neighbors the police would have been called long since. Someone was vomiting 3 copiously 4 and revoltingly on the veranda 5, and under a wispy 6 bottle brush two indistinct forms were locked together. Father Ralph avoided the vomiter 7 and the lovers, treading silently across the springy new-mown lawn with such torment 8 in his mind he did not know or care where he was going. Only that he wanted to be away from her, the awful old spider who was convinced she was spinning her death cocoon 9 on this exquisite 10 night. At such an early hour the heat was not exhausting; there was a faint, heavy stirring in the air, and a stealing of languorous 11 perfumes from boronia and roses, the heavenly stillness only tropical and subtropical latitudes 12 can ever know. Oh, God, to be alive, to be really alive! To embrace the night, and living, and be free!

He stopped on the far side of the lawn and stood looking up at the sky, an instinctive 13 aerial searching for God. Yes, up there somewhere, between the winking 14 points of light so pure and unearthly; what was it about the night sky? That the blue lid of day was lifted, a man permitted glimpses of eternity 15? Nothing save witnessing the strewn vista 16 of the stars could convince a man that timelessness and God existed. She's right, of course. A sham 17, a total sham. No priest, no man. Only someone who wishes he knew how to be either. No! Not either! Priest and man cannot coexist-to be a man is to be no priest. Why did I ever tangle 18 my feet in her web? Her poison is strong, perhaps stronger than I guess. What's in the letter? How like Mary to bait me! How much does she know, how much does she simply guess? What is there to know, or guess? Only futility 19, and loneliness. Doubt, pain. Always pain. Yet you're wrong, Mary. I can get it up. It's just that I don't choose to, that I've spent years proving to myself it can be controlled, dominated, subjugated 20. For getting it up is the activity of a man, and I am a priest.
Someone was weeping in the cemetery 21. Meggie, of course. No one else would think of it. He picked up the skirts of his soutane and stepped over the wrought 22 iron railing, feeling it was inevitable 23 that he had not yet done with Meggie on this night. If he confronted one of the women in his life, he must also deal with the other. His amused detachment was coming back; she could not disperse 24 that for long, the old spider. The wicked old spider. God rot her, God rot her!
"Darling Meggie, don't cry," he said, sitting on the dew-wet grass beside her. "Here, I'll bet you don't have a decent handkerchief. Women never do. Take mine and dry your eyes like a good girl."
She took it and did as she was told.
"You haven't even changed out of your finery. Have you been sitting here since midnight?"
"Yes."
"Do Bob and Jack 25 know where you are?"
"I told them I was going to bed."
"What's the matter, Meggie?"
"You didn't speak to me tonight!"
"Ali! I thought that might be it. Come, Meggie, look at me!" Away in the east was a pearly luster 26, a fleeing of total darkness, and the Drogheda roosters were shrieking 27 an early welcome to the dawn. So he could see that not even protracted 28 tears could dim the loveliness of her eyes. "Meggie, you were by far the prettiest girl at the party, and it's well known that I come to Drogheda more often than I need. I am a priest and therefore I ought to be above suspicion-a bit like Caesar's wife comb I'm afraid people don't think so purely 29. As priests go I'm young, and not bad-looking." He paused to think how Mary Carson would have greeted that bit of understatement, and laughed soundlessly. "If I had paid you a skerrick of attention it would have been all over Gilly in record time. Every party line in the district would have been buzzing with it. Do you know what I mean?" She shook her head; the cropped curls were growing brighter in the advancing light.
"Well, you're young to come to knowledge of the ways of the world, but you've got to learn, and it always seems to be my province to teach you, doesn't it? I mean people would be saying I was interested in you as a man, not as a priest."
"Father!"
"Dreadful, isn't it?" He smiled. "But that's what people would say, I assure you. You see, Meggie, you're not a little girl anymore, you're a young lady. But you haven't learned yet to hide your affection for me, so had I stopped to speak to you with all those people looking on, you'd have stared at me in a way which might have been misconstrued."
She was looking at him oddly, a sudden inscrutability shuttering her gaze, then abruptly 30 she turned her head and presented him with her profile. "Yes, I see. I was silly not to have seen it."
"Now don't you think it's time you went home? No doubt everyone will sleep in, but if someone's awake at the usual time you'll be in the soup. And you can't say you've been with me, Meggie, even to your own family." She got up and stood staring down at him. "I'm going, Father. But I wish they knew you better, then they'd never think such things of you. It isn't in you, is it?"
 

庄园的外面还没有透出曙色，没有一点亮光。夜色柔和，黑暗沉沉，炎炎暑热笼罩着德罗海达。这场狂欢达到了极其喧闹的地步，如果这座庄园有领居的话，那警察就会因此而登门了。有人在廊檐下兜心翻腹地呕吐着；一片灌木丛膝朦胧影下，两个模模糊糊的身影紧紧地拥在一起。拉尔夫神父避开了呕吐者和那对情人，踏着松软的、刚刚修剪过的草坪悄然无声地走着。他的心头十分烦乱，不知道也不在意他在向什么地方走去。他只是想离开她，那个可怕的老蜘蛛坚信她在这美好的夜晚正在织着自己的死亡之茧。已经是凌晨时分了，热气依然未消敞，微风沉闷地拂过，芸香和玫瑰花丛悄然地散发出一股令人倦怠的香气；这种天地间的寂静只有在热带或亚热带地区才能领略得到。哦，上帝啊，显显灵吧，快显显灵吧！拥抱这黑夜，拥抱生活，无拘无束地拥抱吧！
　　他在草坪的远处停住了脚步，站在那里仰望着天空，在一种本能的冥想中寻找着上帝。是的，就在天上的某个地方，在那星光闪烁的地方，是多么纯洁，多么神秘啊。漫漫夜空中到底有什么呢？白昼的蓝色天穹正在升起，一个人能看到永恒的闪光吗？除了目睹那远远地缀在天幕之上的繁星，没有什么东西能使人确信时间的无穷和上帝的存在。
　　当然，她是对的。这是一种虚伪，完全是一种虚伪。既不做一个男人，也不做一个教士。他只想做一个兼有二者的人。不！不会二者兼得的！教士和男人不能同时并存--要做男人就不能做教士。我为什么一度被她的网缠住了呢？她有强大的地位，也许比我猜想的还要强大。那封信里写的是什么？玛丽是多么愿意引诱我啊！她了解多少情况？她能直截了当地猜到多少情况？而又有什么东西值得去了解，或去拈测呢？她完全是枉费心机。是孤独寂寞使她变得疑心重重，痛苦难当，使她心中始终充满痛苦。可是你错了，玛丽。我可以产生那种感情。但是，我偏偏不愿意选择这种做法；多年来，我已向自己证明这是能够加以控制、压抑和克服的。因为唤起那种感情是一个男人的行为，而我是个教士。
　　有人正在墓地里哭泣。当然，这是梅吉。其他任何人都不会愿到这种地方的。他提起法衣的下摆，迈过了锻铁横栏，觉得今天晚上不把梅吉对付过去是不行的。假如他在生活中曾勇敢地面对着一个女人的话，那么他也必须同样对待另一个女人。他那可笑的超然公正又回到他身上了；那个老蜘蛛，她的毒汁的作用是不会长久的。上帝惩罚她吧，上帝惩罚她吧！
　　"亲爱的梅吉，别哭了。"他说着，在她身边被露水打湿的草地上坐了下来。"喂，我敢打赌，你连一块像样的手绢都没有。女人总是这样的。把我的拿去吧，把眼泪擦干，要象个姑娘。"
　　她把手绢接了过去，按照他的话擦着眼睛。
　　"你这身漂亮的衣服还没有换呐。你从半夜就坐在这儿了吗？"
　　"是的。"
　　"鲍勃和杰克他们知道你在这儿吗？"
　　"我告诉他们，我去睡觉了。"
　　"怎么回事，梅吉？"
　　"今天晚上你没有跟我讲话！"
　　"啊！我想也许是这么回事吧。喂，梅吉，望着我！"
　　东方透出了鱼肚白，揭开了沉沉的夜幕，德罗海达的雄鸡高啼着，迎来了熹微的徐明。于是，他看清了，即使是涟涟的泪水也无法掩住她那眼睛的秀美。
　　"梅吉，你是宴会中最漂亮动人的姑娘，而且大家都知道，我到德罗海达来得太勤了。我是个教士，因此我应该避嫌。不过，我怕人们的想法并不那么纯洁。从教士的情况来看，我算年轻的，长得也不难看。"他顿了一下，想着玛丽·卡森会怎样欢迎这种略有些克制的说法，他无声地笑了。"要是我对你献一点儿殷勤。刹那间便会传遍整个基里。这个地区的每一条电话线里都会传播着这件事。你明白我的意思吗？"
　　她摇了摇头；那头剪短的卷发在渐渐变亮的光线中显得列鲜明了。
　　"唔，要了解纷坛之事你还太年轻啊。可是你必须学会去了解，教导你好象总是我的本份，对吗？我的意思是，人们将会说我不是作为一个教士，而是作为一个男人对你发生兴趣的。"
　　"神父！"
　　"很可怕，是吗？"他微微一笑。"可是，我可以向你担保，这就是人们会讲的话。你知道，梅吉，你再也不是一个小姑娘，而是个年轻女郎了。但是，你还没有学会掩饰你对我的注意力，所以，我只好在众目睽睽之下不和你说话。你是用一种也许会被人曲解的眼神盯着我的。"
　　她用一种古怪的眼光看着他，她的凝视中蓦然升起一种令人费解的表情。随后，她猛地转过头去，侧着脸对他说："是的，我明白了。我没有明白这一点真是太笨了。"
　　"你不认为现在到回家的时候了吗？毫无疑问，每个人都会睡过头的，可是，假如有人象往常那样醒来，你可就说不清、道不白了。你不能说你是和我在一起的，梅吉，就连你的家里人也不能说。"
　　她站了起来，低头看着他。"我走了，神父。我希望他们能更了解你，这样就决不会认为你有那种事了。你没有那种事，对吗？"