【荆棘鸟】第十章 02

Oh, it wasn’t fair! How dare someone else have eyes and face like Father Ralph! Not the way he looked at her: the mirth was something of his own and he had no love burning for her there; from the first moment of seeing Father Ralph kneeling in the dustof the Gilly station yard Meggie had seen love in his eyes. To lookinto his eyes and not see him! It was a cruel joke, a punishment.Unaware 1 of the thoughts his companion harbored, Luke O’Neillkept his wicked bay beside Meggie’s demure 2 mare 3 as they splashed through the creek 4, still running strong from so much rain. She was a beauty, all right! That hair! What was simply carrots on the male Clearys was something else again on this little sprig. If only shewould look up, give him a better chance to see that face! Just thenshe did, with such a look on it that his brows came together,puzzled; not as if she hated him, exactly, but as if she was trying to see something and couldn’t, or had seen something and wished she hadn’t. Or whatever. It seemed to upset her, anyway. 
 
    Luke wasnot used to being weighed in a feminine balance and found wanting.Caught naturally in a delicious trap of sunset-gold hair and softeyes, his interest only fed on her displeasure and disappointment.Still she was watching him, pink mouth fallen slightly open, a silkydew of sweat on her upper lip and forehead because it was so hot,her reddish-gold brows arched in seeking wonderment. He grinned to reveal Father Ralph’s big white teeth; yet it was not Father Ralph's smile. "Do you know you look exactly like a baby, all oh! and ah!?" She looked away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. You reminded me of someone, that'sall." "Stare all you like. It's better than looking at the top of your head, pretty though that might be. Who do I remind you of?" "No one important. It's just strange, seeing someonefamiliar and yet terribly unfamiliar 5." "What's your name, little Miss Cleary?" "Meggie." "Meggie . . . It hasn't got enough dignity, it doesn't suit you a bit. I'd rather youwere called something like Belinda or Madeline, but if Meggie's the best you've got to offer, I'll go for it. What's the Meggie stand for -Margaret?" 
 
     "No, Meghann." "Ah, now that's more like! I'll call you Meghann." "No, you won't!" she snapped. "I detest 6 it!" But he only laughed. "You've had too much of your own way, little Miss Meghann. If I wantto call you Eustacia Sophronia Augusta, I will, you know." They had reached the stockyards;he slipped off his bay, aiming a punch at its snapping head which rocked it intosubmission, and stood, obviously waiting for her to offer him her hands so he could helpher down. But she touched the chestnut 7 mare with her heels and walked on up the track."Don't you put the dainty lady with the common old stockmen?" he called after her. "Certainly not!" she answered without turning. 
 
    Oh, it wasn't fair! Even on his own twofeet he was like Father Ralph; as tall, as broad in the shoulders and narrow in the hips,and with something of the same grace, though differently employed. Father Ralph moved likea dancer, Luke O'neill like an athlete. His hair was as thick and black and curling, hiseyes as blue, his nose as fine and straight, his mouth as well cut. And yet he was no more like Father Ralph than-than than a ghost gum, so tall and pale andsplendid, was like a blue gum, also tall and pale and splendid. After that chance meeting Meggie kept her ears open for opinions and gossip about LukeO'neill. Bob and the boys were pleased with his work and seemed to get along well with him;apparently 8 he hadn't a lazy bone in his body, according to Bob. Even Fee brought his nameup in conversation one evening by remarking that he was a very handsome man. "Does he remind you of anyone?" Meggie asked idly, flat on her stomach on the carpetreading a book. Fee considered the question for a moment. "Well, I suppose he's a bit like Father deBricassart. The same build, the same coloring. But it isn't a striking likeness 9; they'retoo different as men. "Meggie, I wish you'd sit in a chair like a lady to read! Justbecause you're in jodhpurs you don't have to forget modesty 11 entirely 12." "Pooh!" said Meggie."As if anyone notices!" And so it went. 
 
    There was a likeness, but the men behind the faces were so unalike onlyMeggie was plagued by it, for she was in love with one of them and resented finding theother attractive. In the kitchen she found he was a prime favorite, and also discovered howhe could afford the luxury of wearing white shirts and white breeches into the paddocks;Mrs. Smith washed and ironed them for him, succumbing 13 to his ready, beguiling 14 charm. "Och,what a fine Irishman he is and all!" Minnie sighed ecstatically. "He's an Australian," saidMeggie provocatively 15. "Born here, maybe, Miss Meggie darlin', but wit' a name like O'neillnow, he's as Irish as Paddy's pigs, not meanin' any disrespect to yer sainted father, MissMeggie, may he rest in peace and sing wit' the angels. Mr. Luke not Irish, and him wit'that black hair, thim blue eyes? In the old days the O'neills was the kings of Ireland." "Ithought the O'Connors were," said Meggie slyly. Minnie's round little eyes twinkled. "Ah,well now, Miss Meggie, 'twas a big country and all." "Go on! It's about the size of Drogheda! And anyway, O'neill is an Orange name; you can'tfool me." "It is that. But it's a great Irish name and it existed before there were Orangemen everthought of. It is a name from Ulster parts, so it's logical there'd have to be a few ofthim Orange, isn't it now? But there was the O'neill of Clandeboy and the O'neill Mor backwhen, Miss Meggie darlin'." 
 
    Meggie gave up the battle; Minnie had long since lost anymilitant Fenian tendencies she might once have possessed 16, and could pronounce the word"Orange" without having a stroke. About a week later she ran into Luke O'neill again, down by the creek. She suspected hehad lain in wait for her, but she didn't know what to do about it if he had. "Good afternoon, Meghann." "Good afternoon," said she, looking straight between the chestnut mare's ears. "There's a woolshed ball at Braich y Pwll next Saturday night. Will you come with me?" "Thank you for asking me, but I can't dance. There wouldn't be any point." "I'll teachyou how to dance in two flicks 17 of a dead lamb's tail, so that's no obstacle. Since I'll betaking the squatter's sister, do you think Bob might let me borrow the old Rolls, if notthe new one?" "I said I wouldn't go!" she said, teeth clenched 18. "You said you couldn'tdance, I said I'd teach you. You never said you wouldn't go with me if you could dance, soI assumed it was the dancing you objected to, not me. Are you going to bark out?" 
 
    Exasperated 19, she glared at him fiercely, but he only laughed at her. "You're spoiled rotten, young Meghann; it's time you didn't get all your own way." "I'm not spoiled!" "Go on, tell me another! The only girl, all those brothers to run round after you, allthis land and money, a posh house, servants? I know the Catholic Church owns it, but theClearys aren't short of a penny either." That was the big difference between them! shethought triumphantly 20; it had been eluding 21 her since she met him. Father Ralph would neverhave fallen for outward trappings, but this man lacked his sensitivity; he had no inbuiltantennae to tell him what lay beneath the surface. He rode through life without an idea inhis head about its complexity 22 or its pain. Flabbergasted, Bob handed over the keys to the new Rolls without a murmur 23; he had staredat Luke for a moment without speaking, then grinned. "I never thought of Meggie going to adance, but take her, Luke, and welcome! I daresay she'd like it, the poor little beggar.She never gets out much. We ought to think of taking her, but somehow we never do." "Whydon't you and Jack 24 and Hughie come, too?" Luke asked, apparently not averse 25 to company. Bob shook his head, horrified 26. "No, thanks. We're not too keen on dances." Meggie woreher ashes-of-roses dress, not having anything else to wear; it hadn't occurred to her touse some of the stockpiling pounds Father Ralph put in the bank in her name to have dressesmade for parties and balls. 
 
    Until now she had managed to refuse invitations, for men likeEnoch Davies and Alastair MacQueen were easy to discourage with a firm no. They didn't haveLuke O'neill's gall 27. But as she stared at herself in the mirror she thought she just might go into Gilly nextweek when Mum made her usual trip, visit old Gert and have her make up a few new frocks. For she hated wearing this dress; if she had owned one other even remotely suitable, itwould have been off in a second. Other times, a different black-haired man; it was so tiedup with love and dreams, tears and loneliness, that to wear it for such a one as LukeO'neill seemed a desecration 28. 
 
    She had grown used to hiding what she felt, to appearingalways calm and outwardly happy. Self-control was growing around her thicker than bark on atree, and sometimes in the night she would think of her mother, and shiver. Would she endup like Mum, cut off from all feeling? Was this how it began for Mum back in the days whenthere was Frank's father? And what on earth would Mum do, what would she say if she knewMeggie had learned the truth about Frank? Oh, that scene in the presbytery! It seemed likeyesterday, Daddy and Frank facing each other, and Ralph holding her so hard he hurt.Shouting those awful things. Everything had fallen into place. Meggie thought she mustalways have known, once she did. She had grown up enough to realize there was more togetting babies than she used to think; some sort of physical contact absolutely forbiddenbetween any but a married couple. What disgrace and humiliation 29 poor Mum must have gonethrough over Frank. No wonder she was the way she was. If it happened to her, Meggiethought, she would want to die. In books only the lowest, cheapest girls had babies outsideof marriage; yet Mum wasn't cheap, could never have been cheap. 
 
    With all her heart Meggiewished Mum could talk to her about it, or that she herself had the courage to bring upthe subject. Perhaps in some small way she might have been able to help. But Mum wasn't thesort of person one could approach, nor would Mum do the approaching. Meggie sighed atherself in the mirror, and hoped nothing like that ever happened to her. Yet she was young;at times like this, staring at herself in the ashes-of-roses dress, she wanted to feel,wanted emotion to blow over her like a strong hot wind. She didn't want to plod 30 like alittle automaton 31 for the rest of her life, she wanted change and vitality 32 and love. Love,and a husband, and babies. What was the use of hungering after a man she could never have?He didn't want her, he never would want her. He said he loved her, but not as a husbandwould love her. Because he was married to the Church. Did all men do that, love someinanimate thing more than they could love a woman? No, surely not all men. The difficultones, perhaps, the complex ones with their seas of doubts and objections, rationalities.But there had to be simpler men, men who could surely love a woman before all else. Menlike Luke O'neill, for instance. 
 
    "I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen,"said Luke as he started the Rolls. Compliments were quite out of Meggie's ken 10; she gave him a startled sidelong glance and said nothing. 
 

哦，这太不公平了！怎么还有其他人的眼睛和脸庞竟然和拉尔夫神父一样！不过，他看她时的那亲子和拉尔夫神你不一样：那笑容是你自己所特有的，没有燃烧着对她的爱。她头一眼看见拉尔夫神父蹲在基里车站广场的尘嚣中时，梅吉就在他的眼中看到了爱。她窥视到了他的眼睛，而不是他！他真是一个无情的玩笑，一种惩罚。
 
　　卢克·奥尼尔没有发觉他同样的种种思绪。他们溅着水花跨过小河，尽管水花如雨，但他们仍然走得很猛。他让他那匹顽劣的栗色马和梅吉那匹娴静的牝马并辔而行。她是个美人，没错！瞧那头发吧！克利里家的男人一律是红头发，这个小家伙的头发也带着几分红。要是她抬起头来，让他有机会看看她的脸该多好呀！恰在此时，她抬起头来。一看到她的脸，他的眉头皱了起来，感到大惑不解。她好象并不讨厌他，这是没错儿的，可是她好象竭力想看到什么而又看不到，或好象看到了什么，但又希望她没看到。反正是诸如此类的表情。不怎么样，这似乎使她心烦意乱。卢克不善于被女人掂量来掂量去，让人家找弱点，自然，他被她那宛如落日一样金红的头发和柔媚的眼睛迷住了，不过，只是由于她的不快和扫兴才使他来了兴趣的。她依然在望着他，樱口微张，由于天热，上唇和额前的汗珠闪着光，金红色的眉毛因为在纳闷地探求着什么而挑了起来。
　　他咧嘴一笑，露出了和拉尔夫神父一样的又大又白的牙齿；但是那微笑和拉尔夫神父不一样。"你知道你看起来就象个孩子吗？真是象啊！"
　　她转开了目光。"对不起，我没打算盯着你看的。你使我想起了一个人，就是这样。"
　　"随你盯着看吧；这总比看着你的天灵盖要强，尽管那样也许复好些。我使你想起了谁？"
　　"不是个什么了不起的人。只不过看到某个人这样的熟悉，又是这样的不熟悉，感到奇怪罢了。"
　　"你叫什么名字，年轻的克利里小姐？"
　　"梅吉。"
　　"梅吉……不够体面，和你一点儿都不相称。我倒宁愿你叫个比琳达或麦德琳之类的名字，不过，假如梅吉是你非叫不可的最好的名字，我就这么称呼吧。梅吉是什么的缩称--梅格丽特？"
　　"不，是梅格翰。"
　　"啊，这个名字就体面得多了！我就叫你梅格翰吧。"
　　"不，不行！"她急冲冲地说道。"我讨厌这个名字！"
　　可他只是大笑着。"你太有自己的特点了，年轻的梅格翰小姐。你要知道，假如我想管你叫尤丝塔西娅、索芙洛妮亚或奥格斯塔的话，我就会这样叫的。"
　　他们已经到了牲围场。他滑下了他的黑色马，照着它那张口就咬的脑袋就是一拳，这一下就把它制服了。他站在那里，显然是在等她把手伸给他，好让他帮她下马。可是她却用脚跟碰了碰那匹栗色牝马，顺着道路继续走了下去。
　　"你不让漂亮的小姐和普通的老牧工呆在一起吗？"他在她身后喊道。
　　"当然不！"她连身都没转地答道。
　　哦，这太不公平了！就连他两腿站在那里的样子都象拉尔夫神父；一样高的个子，一样宽的双肩，一样窄的髋部，而且，那股潇洒劲也多少有些相同，尽管从事的职业不同。拉尔夫神父走起路来象个舞蹈家，而卢克·奥尼尔象个运动员。他的卷发也是那样浓密，那样黑，他的眼睛也是湛蓝湛蓝的，他的鼻子也是那样优美而笔直，他的嘴型也是那样完美无瑕。然而，保有一点他和拉尔夫神父不一样：拉尔夫神父象一棵魔鬼桉，是那样高大，那样雪白，那样气派堂皇；而他则象一棵蓝桉，但也是那样高大，那样雪白，那样气派堂皇。
　　从那次邂逅相逢之后，梅吉总是注意听着有关卢克·奥尼尔的看法和传闻。鲍勃和男孩子们对他的工作很满意，似乎和他处的也不错；显然，他身上没有懒筋，鲍勃是这样说的。有一天晚上，当评论起他是个非常漂亮的人时，就连菲也在谈话中提起了他的名字。
　　"他使他想起什么人了吗？"梅吉正趴在地毯上读着一本书，懒洋洋地问道。
　　菲考虑了一会儿这个问题。"嗯，我想，他有点儿象德·布里克萨特神父。体格一样，肤色一样，不过，不是特别象。作为男人，他们相差很远。
　　"梅吉，我希望你能象个小姐一样坐在椅子里看书！正因为你穿着马裤，所以你千万不能忘记要端庄稳重。"
　　"啐！"梅吉说。"就好象谁看见了似的！"
　　事情就这样发展着。他们有盯似之处，但是，这两张面孔背后的男人是那样截然不同。只有梅吉为了这一点而辗转苦恼，因为她家着他们之中的一个，为发现了另一个人的魅力而愤怒不平。她发现，他在厨房里是一个最受宠爱的人，而且还发现他何以穿得起奢侈的白衬衫和白裤到围场去；原来是史密斯太太替他洗熨的，她被他那机敏的、能哄的人的魔力降服了。
　　"哦，他是个多漂亮的爱尔兰人哪！"明妮出神入迷地叹道。
　　"他是个澳大利亚人，"梅吉激怒地说道。
　　"也许是在这儿出生的，亲爱的梅吉小姐。但是叫奥尼尔这样的名字，就说明他就象帕迪的那些又脏又贪吃的手下人一样，是爱尔兰人。梅吉小姐，我没有任何不尊重你那慈善而虔诚的父亲的意思，愿他在平静中安息，和天使们一起欢乐吧。卢克先生要不是爱尔兰人，那他怎么会长着黑头发，蓝眼睛？古时候，奥尼尔家族还是爱尔兰的国王呢。"
　　"我想，是奥康诺家族吧，"梅吉顽皮地说道。
　　明妮那双小圆眼睛闪了闪。"啊，梅吉小姐，那可是个有很大的国家呀。"
　　"看你再胡说！它的大小跟德罗海达差不多！不管怎么说，奥尼尔是奥伦治①地方的姓氏，你唬弄不了我。"①古时欧洲一都市，位置在现法国东南。--译注
　　"就算是这么回事吧。但那是一个古老的爱尔兰姓氏，奥伦治人还没想到的时此，这个姓氏就已经有了。这是北爱尔兰地区的姓氏，所以，奥伦治有那么几个人姓是合情合理的，不是吗？可是，亲爱的梅吉小姐，后来还克产寺波伊的奥尼尔和奥尼尔·莫尔家族呢。"
　　梅吉放弃了这场争论，明妮以前曾有过的那种芬尼亚式①的好斗的脾气早就没有了，而且，她连"奥伦治"这个词都不能一口气说出来。①传说中的爱尔兰古代勇士。--译注
　　大约一个星期之后，她又在小河那边碰上了卢克·奥尼尔。她怀疑，他说他在等着她的话是撒谎；不过她不知道，假若他真是在撒谎，她该怎样对待他。
　　"你好，梅格翰。"
　　"你好，"她从栗色牝马的两耳之间正着看过去，说道。
　　"下个星期日期上在布雷恩·伊·普尔有一个剪毛棚舞会。你愿意和我一起去吗？"
　　"谢谢你邀请我，可是我不会跳舞。不会有意思的。"
　　"我会教你，一点不费力，所以没什么妨碍。我要是带主人的妹妹去，鲍勃即使不把那辆新罗尔斯一罗伊斯借给我，总会把那辆旧的借给我吧？"
　　"我说了，我不愿意去！"她咬着牙关说道。
　　"你说过你不会跳舞，我说我教你。你从没说过就是你会跳舞。也不愿和我去，所以我推想，你是反对跳舞，而不是我。你想食言吗？"
　　她火冒三丈，怒视着他，可他只是冲着她笑。
　　"你真是被宠得不象样了，小梅格翰，不能由着你任性的时候到了。"
　　"我没有被宠坏！"
　　"别瞎扯啦，跟我说点儿别的吧！难道你不是个独生女，这么多哥哥围着你转，拥有全部这些土地和钱财，有一幢漂亮的房子和仆人吗？我知道，这片产业归天主教会所有，可是克利里家也不缺钱。"
　　这正是他们之间的天壤之别！她得意地想道；这一点正是自打她遇到他以来之困惑的问题。拉尔夫神父是决不会被表面现象所迷惑的，而这个人却缺乏他那种敏感；这个人没有一种内在的感觉告诉他表面现象之下到底有着什么。他在马背上生活，而生活的错综复杂或痛苦他根本就不知道。
　　大吃一惊的鲍勃连一声都没吭，就拿出了那辆新罗尔斯-罗伊斯的车钥匙；他盯了卢克一会儿，什么话也没讲，随后，他咧开嘴笑了。
　　"我从来都没想到梅吉要去参加舞会，不过，带她去吧，卢克，而且欢迎你带她去！我敢说，她会喜欢舞会的，可怜的小叫花子。她从来不出大门。我们本应该想到带上她，可不知怎么，却从来没这样做。"
　　"你、杰克和休吉干嘛不去呢？"卢克问道：显然，他是不情愿奉陪他们的。
　　鲍勃摇了摇头，惊恐地说："不，谢谢你啦。在跳舞方面我们不太灵。"
　　梅吉穿上了她那套暗玫瑰色的服装，她没有其他服装可穿；她根本没想到过动用一些拉尔夫神父以她的名义存在银行里的钱去置办几件参加宴会和舞会的衣服。直到现在，她还在千方百计地拒绝别人的邀请，因为象伊诺克·戴维斯和阿拉斯泰尔·麦克奎恩这样的男人，一听到个"不"字便轻率地泄了气。他们没有卢克·奥尼尔那种大胆莽撞的劲头儿。
　　可是，当她的镜子中盯着自己的时候，她在想，下个星期妈妈到基里作通常的旅行的进候，她应该去一趟，去找老格特，让她帮着做几件新上衣。
　　她讨厌穿这身服装；倘若她再有一套哪怕稍微合适一点儿的衣服，马上就会把这套衣服脱掉的。以前，是加一具不同的黑发男人；这衣服和她的爱情与梦幻，眼泪与孤寂有着不解这之缘，为了这样一个卢克·奥尼尔之类的人穿上它，似乎是一种亵渎。她已经逐渐习惯于掩饰自己的感情了，总是显出一种镇静和表面的快乐。外表的自我控制变得比树上的树皮还要厚。有时，她会在夜深人静之际想到她的母亲，便深身发抖。
　　她有朝一日会变得象妈妈那样把一切感情都斩断吗？弗兰克的父亲存在的那个时候，妈妈也是这开始的吗？假如妈妈知道梅吉已经了解有关弗兰克的真相，她会怎样做，怎样说呢？爹爹和弗兰克面对着面，抱着她的拉尔夫痛心之极。那些可怕的事被大喊大叫他说了出来。一切事情都对上号了。梅吉想，凡是她知道的，她总会懂得的。她已经长大了，足以认识到得到孩子不象她通常想象的那样简单；除了结过婚的一对之外，任何人之间的某种身体接触是绝对禁止的。为了弗兰克，可怜的妈妈是怎样地露过丑啊。难怪她是这样与众不同。梅吉想，要是这事出在她身上，她会想到一死了之的。在书里，只有最低等、最下贱的姑娘才不结婚而生孩子呢。梅吉由衷地希望妈妈能向她讲讲这件事。或者她自己有勇气去挑开这个话题。也许，在某些微不足道的方面她还能帮上忙呢。但是，妈妈是那种既不要人接近她，她也不去接近别人的人。梅吉冲着镜子里自己的身影叹了口气，希望那种事决不要发生在她的身上。
　　然而，她正在豆蔻年华，在凝望着自己那穿着暗玫瑰色服装的身影时，她想体验到感情，希望激情象强劲的热风一样吹遍她的全身。她不想象个小机械人似地在沉闷的苦干中了此一生。她希望有变化、有活力、有爱情。她需要爱情、丈夫和孩子。苦苦追求一个她永远得不到的男人有什么用呢？他不想得到她，永远也不会。想得到她。他说过，他爱她，但不会象一个丈夫那样地爱她。因为，他已经将身许给了教会。难道所有的男人都是那样，爱某种无生命的东西超过家一个女人吗？不，肯定不是所有的男人都这样的。也许，只是那些不好相处的男人。那些满脑子怀疑和总是持有反对理由的复杂的男人才是这样的。但是，世上还有头脑比较单纯的男人，爱一个女人胜于爱其他任何女人的男人。譬如说吧，象卢克、奥尼尔这样的男人。
　　"我想，你是我所见到过的最漂亮的姑娘。"当卢克发动了罗尔斯汽车的进候，说道。
　　梅吉不大懂得赞美之辞；她吃惊地斜瞟了他一眼。什么也没说。