成长的烦恼第六季:Eddie, We Hardly Knew Ye

Ed: And my thanks to you my good man.
Taxi Driver: That's thirty four even.
Ed: I'll be right back.
Taxi Driver: Hey, if I knew I was going to have to wait, I wouldn't have turned off the meter.
Ed: I know. (In his head) Oh god give me strength. (Aloud) Alright, spread em clown!
Ben: Spread what? Grandpa Ed!
Ed: Ha ha Bennie. Listen; are you happy to see me?
Ben: Sure grandpa.
Ed: Are you thrilled to see me?
Ben: You bet grandpa.
Ed: Got thirty four bucks 1 I can borrow?
Ben: Who are you?
Ed: Keep your pants on! Where are your folks?
Ben: In bed.
Ed: Well, well, well. If this isn't a pretty picture. Jaaason. Oh Jason.
Jason: Oh sweetheart.
Ed: No Jason! Get up!
Jason: No Mike, the machine gun. No. Ah Ed, what are you doing in my bedroom?
Ed: A more important question might be what are you doing with my daughter?
Jason: We are married.
Ed: Oh, you think that makes it ok. How about a little kiss for your dad.
Jason: Ah, ah, please, pelease, pelease!
Ed: Is he always this grumpy in the morning?

Maggie: I wish my dad told me he was coming. I don't have time to talk to him today. I don't
have time to breath today. I tell you, that he is up to something. Why else would he travel two
hundred miles without bringing my mum.
Jason: Hey Maggie, this is your mother we are talking about.
Maggie: Jason, my mum does not get on my dad's nerves. He stopped listening to her years
ago.
Jason: Well what do you think he's up to then?
Maggie: Oh I don't know, but somehow I know I am going to end up feeling guilty and then
I'm going to take it out on you.
Jason: I'll be working late tonight.

Ed: Oh, nobody makes blueberry pancakes like you do Margaret.
Maggie: oh those aren't blueberry pancakes.
Ed: Oh.
Jason: Oh, that was good. Very funny Ed. And such a good example for the little one.
Mike: Hey every body. What's so funny?
Ed: Mikey!
Mike: Hey Grandpa Ed!
Ed: How's the famous actor.
Mike: Good.
Ed: Have you done any love scenes with that Michelle Piefer yet?
Jason: Her name is Pfeiffer, Michelle Pfeiffer.
Mike: Why did nobody tell me that grandpa was coming over?
Maggie: None of us knew.
Ed: Ah, that's ridiculous. I phones yesterday. I wouldn't barge 2 on in without called.
Jason: Come on Ed. You always barge on in without calling.
Ed: The hell I do. I left a message with Bennie, just like I always do.
Maggie: Always do!
Ed: Yeah.
Jason: So all these years you haven't been barging in?
Ed: I should say not.
Ben: Didn't I tell you guys?
Jason and Maggie: No.
Carol: Great. And after all those stupid messages we've taken for you. So, what else have you
forgotten to tell us?
Ben: Um, Mike, Julie called. She said the wedding's off.
Maggie: Dad, you still haven't answered my question. Why are you here?
Ed: No reason. Just a spur of the moment visit. I thought maybe we could sit around all day
and talk. You know, chew the fat and see what sticks to the wall.
Maggie: No wonder mum stayed at home.
Ed: What can we do first?
Maggie: I'm sorry dad, but you just picked a very bad day.
Ed: Well I thought maybe we could all go out for malts, hu?
Maggie: Oh dad, I've got this PTA thing and these two articles that are due next Friday and I
haven't even started them yet.
Ed: Say are you still crazy about hopscotch 3.
Maggie: Dad, dad, I can't. Are you listening? I really can't.
Ed: Alright. Go on. Don't trouble yourself over me. Go on about your business. Forget that I
am here. Forget that I flew two hundred miles. Forget that I took a cab. Forget that I brought
you into this world; put a roof over your head for eighteen miserable 5 years.
Chrissy: You left out the part about carrying her six miles to the hospital when she fractured
he tibia.
Ed: Right. In the snowstorm.
Chrissy: With the three foot drifts.
Ed: Without any shoes on.
Maggie: Thank you Chrissy.
Chrissy: With a wild pack of wolves chasing you.

Ed: Playschool hu?
Maggie: Ah hu.
Ed: I guess having your kids raised by strangers beats having them raised by their own flesh
and blood mothers, hu?
Maggie: Daddy! Never mind.
Ed: That teacher there looked mighty 6 young to me. Could they find somebody your age?
Maggie: Thanks dad. Dad look, I'm sorry this day is going to be so hectic 7; I just got to...Dad!
Dad, the car's over here.
Ed: Come sit down Margaret Catherine and enjoy this crummy day.
Maggie: Dad, I've got to get to the bank and I have this PTA thing and I still have those
articles to start.
Ed: You see that handsome young man over there with the bushy hair?
Maggie: Dad, are you listening?
Ed: The one pushing his daughter on the swing.
Maggie: Dad, I might as well give up.
Ed: Yep. Now say, does he remind you of anyone?
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you car about very much.
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you are very close to.
Maggie: No.
Ed: Someone you are very close to right now.
Maggie: Daddy, I do not have time for a guessing game.
Ed: Well then let me give you a hint. He is the spitting image of me when you were that age.
Maggie: Daddy, you never had bushy hair. You never had hair.
Ed: Damn it Maggie. Can't we have one stinking 8 tender moment here?
Maggie: Ok. You had hair.
Ed: I'm not talking about the hair; I'm talking about the big red swing I used to push you on
in the backyard. Remember?
Maggie: Daddy, we never had a red swing in the backyard.
Ed: Ok, it was a crummy swing in the park, where all the gangs used to hold their knife fights.
Maggie: Well then why didn't you say so?
Ed: It was a memory. I was trying to make it nicer.
Maggie: Daddy, is something wrong?
Ed: Well we were supposed to be knee deep in nostalgia 9 at this point. How was I to know that
you were going to be so rude?
Maggie: I'm being rude! Dad, who is the one who walked into the others bedroom when she
was lying with her husband?
Ed: Fishing.
Maggie: What?
Ed: Fishing would do wonders for those creases 10 in your forehead.
Maggie: I do not have creases in my forehead. I mean, maybe a fine line or two, but definitely
not ...forget it. What about fishing?
Ed: Fine, shout at me when I have just invited you to go on a fishing trip.
Maggie: Dad, you didn't invite me to go on a fishing trip.
Ed: Of course I did. Why else would I bring up that fishing trip we took when you were six
years old? And drowned all my night crawlers.
Maggie: Daddy, you did not bring it up.
Ed: Maggie, just when exactly did you stop listening to me?
Maggie: Daddy, you did not bring it up.
Ed: See, you've got me so confused. Talking to you is worse than talking to your mother. I
don't know hwy I put up with either one of you.
Maggie: If either one of us is not making sense around here right now, it's you. Now you come
here, you expect us to drop everything and roll out the red carpet. You don't have a care ion
the world. You're retired 11.
Ed: I'm dying!
Maggie: To do what?
Ed: No, that's what I flew two hundred miles to tell you. I'm dying.
Maggie: What?
Ed: Just forget about it. You're busy.

Jason: Doctor Riley please. Doctor Seaver calling long distance. Yes thank you. I'll hold.
Carol: Chrissy, tap your queen.
Ed: Feeling good. Feeling ready. Still dancing.
Maggie: Look at him. He is totally oblivious 12 to the worry he has caused me.
Jason: Yeah, doctor Riley. I'm Jason Seaver, I'm Ed Malone's son in law and we are a little
concerned about him. Uh hu.
Maggie: I got it. I got it. That is not a doctor. That number he gave us is just one of dad's
Crony's and this is just one big practical joke.
Maggie: Ha ha. Very funny, laugh till you sober up you bum 13.
Jason: Please, no, please go on.
Maggie: Why would he do that?
Jason: A full blood panel.
Maggie: And why isn't mum with him?
Jason: Cardiomeopathy.
Maggie: Why would he take a plane and a cab? He's cheaper than Jason.
Jason: No, thank you for being so candid 14 with us. Bye. Honey um...
Maggie: He's dying?
Jason: I wish I could say something here.
Maggie: Oh no. no, there must be some mistake. He looks so healthy. We just need to get a
second opinion. We just...
Jason: Doctor Riley was the second opinion.
Maggie: He was?
Jason: Yes, see cardiomeopathy is a viral infection. It affects the heart muscles and at first it
is a mild angina. Then it develops into degeneration...
Maggie: I'll lose my daddy.
Jason: Sorry honey, I heard the doctor talk...
Maggie: Oh Jason I don't know what to do.
Jason: Well honey, what do you think he wants?
Maggie: What do you mean?
Jason: Well he's come all this way. It's for more than just to break the news to you honey.
There's something on his mind. What do you think it is?
Maggie: You know what? I don't really know my father well enough to guess.

Ed: I won two out of three. Well I guess you did find time in your busy schedule for me, hu?
Maggie: Daddy, I'm sorry.
Ed: Well, that's what I get for raising a woman's libber.
Maggie: Dad. I don't want to go for a walk.
Ed: It's a cold night.
Maggie: Oh dad, oh dad.
Ed: Hey, hey hey. I don't need any tears. Ok.
Maggie: What can I do for you dad?
Ed: Do for me!
Maggie: Whatever you want you got it.
Ed: Honey, I'm...Oh, uh, that the will and other important papers, you got to know they are in
that big shoe box in the hall closet right behind my fishing tackle.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Ed: And uh, I've made the funeral arrangements with Flaherty and Son mortuary. Be sure to
ask for Flaherty senior, because Flaherty Junior is an idiot.
Maggie: Daddy, do we really have to deal with all this now?
Ed: This is important. It's about my police death benefits. I've asked for monthly payments,
and don't let the woman who runs the office tell you any different. She's the big read head
with all the warts 15.
Maggie: Daddy, did you really come all this way to tell me about a red headed woman with
warts?
Ed: Listen, if this is going to be too much for you to handle, I can take care of the whole thing
myself, from beyond the grave.
Maggie: Daddy, I didn't mean....How's mum taking this?
Ed: Oh she's fine.
Maggie: How could she be fine with you...
Ed: Oh, the will. What was it about the will? The attorney that made out the will doesn't
practice anymore. He's writing for Saturday night live. Burt his partner is still there. But he
aint funny at all. Now I guess that's it.
Maggie: That is what you came here to tell me? One napkins worth!
Ed: Honey, I'm s... There is something that you don't know about me Margaret Catherine. It's a
deep dark secret. I've kept it way down deep inside of me all these many years. Ever since the
day of your birth.
Maggie: What daddy?
Ed: that night at Kelsey's bar when we got the phone call to say that all this birthing business
was fine and that your mother was conscious and that you were fine...I made an oath to
myself, right there and then, that I would never let you know, I, well I....
Maggie: Wanted a son.
Ed: You know?
Maggie: Until I was in my teens you used to smoke those cigars with "It's a boy" on the rings.
Ed: They were good cigars. I could just throw them away.
Maggie: You set my first doll on fire.
Ed: Hey well that was an accident. Chatty Cathy should have kept her mouth closed around
my welding equipment.
Maggie: You had me try out for little league.

Ed: But then I always let you wear make up when you got an extra base.
Maggie: You bought me a jock.
Ed: I didn't want you to feel any different from the other guys.
Maggie: Oh daddy, this isn't exactly news to me. Is this really what you came here to tell me?
Ed: Fine, deny a dying man his final apology.
Maggie: Daddy, I always knew you wanted a son, but I also knew that you loved me. So much
that it probably surprised you.
Ed: Oh that it did.
Maggie: I saw you cry at my wedding.
Ed: You did?
Maggie: Yep.
Ed: Well that was probably because of the guy who you were marrying.
Maggie: I don't believe you.
Ed: Good.
Maggie: What can I do for you dad?
Ed: Well, I, I, I told you about the insurance. The, the, the, the, arrangements.
Maggie: Daddy please.
Ed: Good honey, I'm scared.
Maggie: It's just not fair.
Ed: Fair! Fair! You want to talk fair? You know that Charlie McGill who is three years older than
me? He drinks a quarter scotch 4 a day. And that Jonnie Buggliosi, he's had so much surgery
that he eats out of his armpit. He's still out there on the golf course making easy money out of
those puts of his. For the past ten years I've avoided red meat, cholesterol 17, nitrate, salt and
every other damn thing your mother could read about in the Readers Digest. Iron Joe's
stomach, Iron Joes intestines 18, Iron Joes colon 19. I know more about Iron Joe than any stinking
proctologist.
Maggie: You are right dad. It's not fair.
Ed: And it all goes by so fast. Oh I'm sorry that I never saw you in your grade school
Christmas Pageant 20.
Maggie: Which one?
Ed: All of them. Because I had to work nights because it was over time and we needed the
money.
Maggie: Oh dad, dad, you don't have to explain.
Ed: Oh thanks.
Maggie: Is mum really ok with all this?
Ed: Are you kidding. Your mother doesn't know anything about this.
Maggie: Dad, you said you told her.
Ed: No, I said she was fine. And she is fine because she doesn't know anything.
Maggie: But dad, she has to be told.
Ed: I know.
Maggie: She has a right to know.
Ed: Let me explain something to you. A real man doesn't burden his wife with his worries and
his doubts. His job is to keep his marriage glistening 21 no matter how he has to suffer in silence.
Maggie: So mum's not supposed to know that you have a vulnerable sensitive side. Hu?
Ed: That's been my goal.
Maggie: Daddy.
Ed: Look, I've taken care of my Kate for forty seven years. She relies on me for strength. If
she knows I'm afraid now, what's there left for her?
Maggie: Dad, you can't keep this all to yourself.
Ed: I'm here aren't I?
Maggie: Oh yeah.
Ed: You know another strange thing. I thought when my day came, I'd be able to be ready to
die. But when that doctor gave me the news, I felt younger and healthier than I've ever felt in
my life. Now what's the sense of all of that?
Maggie: I know daddy.
Ed: When I was a young man, I used to think that old people had all the answers.
Maggie: I thought you had all the answers all along.
Ed: No, I was just faking it. Our secret.
Maggie: Our secret. Mum's got to be told dad.
Ed: I know. I know. But I needed to talk to you first.
Maggie: Needed?
Ed: You don't think any less of me do you?
Maggie: Oh no daddy. I am so proud to be your son.

Maggie: Oh Ben, these will do just fine.
(Phone rings)
Jason: I'll get it.
Ben: They're yours.
Maggie: Oh I only need them for a couple of days.
Ben: I don't want them back. I don't use them anymore since they got bug 16 infested 22.
Chrissy: I still don't get it. Why can't I go fishing with you and grandpa?
Maggie: Oh honey, it's just a chance for grandpa and me to talk.
Chrissy: I won't say a word. I'll just sit there and look cute.
Maggie: Oh sweetheart, do you remember last month when daddy took you ice skating and
you didn't want anybody else to go because you didn't want to share him?
Chrissy: What's your point?
Maggie: Well grandpa is my daddy.
Chrissy: And that's why last night I couldn't ride along when you dropped gran back at the airport.
Maggie: That's right.
Chrissy: Is this a trend?
Maggie: No sweetheart. Hey, how do I look? What is it?
Jason: It's your dad. He died about an hour ago.
Maggie: No. No, I just called him this morning to see if he had a safe flight.
Jason: Doctor said he went quickly and there was no pain.
Maggie: No, no! He just invited me on this fishing trip. No! No, we were going to pick up
where we left off. (Crying) Oh Jason.
Jason: I'm sorry.
Maggie: Oh Jason. I got to call mum.

(Flashback)
Maggie: Higher daddy. Higher.
Ed: You got three hits today my darling. I'm so proud of you.
Maggie: So I can where lipstick 23 again?
Ed: Yeah, but not to practice.
Maggie: Why not?