【荆棘鸟】第四章 17

Her eyes lost their pleasure in seeing him, her face flooded with scarlet 1 shame; she spread her hands over her ballooning apron 2 as if they could hide what her clothes could not.
Frank was shaking. "The dirty old goat!"
"Frank, I can't let you say things like that. You're a man now, you ought to understand. This is no different from the way you came into the world yourself, and it deserves the same respect. It isn't dirty. When you insult Daddy, you insult me."
"He had no right! He should have left you alone!" Frank hissed 3, wiping a fleck 4 of foam 5 from the corner of his trembling mouth. "It isn't dirty," she repeated wearily, and looked at him from her clear tired eyes as if she had suddenly decided 6 to put shame behind her forever. "It's not dirty, Frank, and nor is the act which created it."
This time his face reddened. He could not continue to meet her gaze, so he turned and went through into the room he shared with Bob, Jack 7 and Hughie. Its bare walls and little single beds mocked him, mocked him, the sterile 8 and featureless look to it, the lack of a presence to warm it, a purpose to hallow it. And her face, her beautiful tired face with its prim 9 halo of golden hair, all alight because of what she and that hairy old goat had done in the terrible heat of summer.
He could not get away from it, he could not get away from her, from the thoughts at the back of his mind, from the hungers natural to his age and manhood. Mostly he managed to push it all below consciousness, but when she flaunted 10 tangible 11 evidence of her lust 12 before his eyes, threw her mysterious activity with that lecherous 13 old beast in his very teeth .... How could he think of it, how could he consent to it, how could he bear it? He wanted to be able to think of her as totally holy, pure and untainted as the Blessed Mother, a being who was above such things though all her sisters throughout the world be guilty of it. To see her proving his concept of her wrong was the road to madness. It had become necessary to his sanity 14 to imagine that she lay with that ugly old man in perfect cha/y, to have a place to sleep, but that in the night they never turned toward each other, or touched. Oh, God!
A scraping clang made him look down, to find he had twisted the brass 15 rail of the bed's foot into an S.
"Why aren't you Daddy?" he asked it.
"Frank," said his mother from the doorway 16.
 

她那望着他的双眼失去了欢愉之色，脸羞得通红；她伸出双手捂住了她那鼓起的围裙，好像那双手能遮住衣服所遮不住的东西似的。
　　弗兰克颤抖了起来。"那个下流的老色鬼！"
　　"弗兰克，我不许你说这种话。现在你是个男子汉了，你应当理解。这和你自己到达这个世上来没什么两样，应当受到同样的尊重。这没什么的。你侮辱你爸爸的时候，你也在侮辱我。"
　　他不该这么做，他早就不该碰你了！"弗兰克气咻咻地说道，揩去了正在哆嗦着的嘴角上的唾沫星儿。
　　"这没什么丢脸的，"她没精打彩地重复道，用她那明显疲倦的眼睛望着他，仿佛她突然决定将羞愧永远掩藏起来似的。"弗兰克，这没什么丢脸的，连想做这种事儿都不丢脸。"
　　这次轮到他脸红了。他无法继续面对她的注视，于是，他转过身去走进了他和鲍勃、杰克、休吉同住的房间。这房间空荡荡的四壁和几张单人小床在嘲笑着他，它的拓燥无味和毫无特色的外观也在嘲笑他；这里缺少一个能使它生气勃勃的人，缺少一种能使它超凡入圣的目标。她的脸庞呢，她那被金发的光晕衬托着的美丽而疲倦的脸庞，正因为她和那个毛茸茸的老色鬼在这暑热炎炎的夏天里所干的好事而感到火辣辣。
　　他无法摆脱这件事，无法摆脱她，无法摆脱他心灵深处的种种思绪，无法摆脱他的年龄和男子的本能的饥渴。在大多数情况下，他总是设法把这些念头压下去，但当她堂而皇之的把她色欲的证据实实在在展现在他眼前的时候，在她把她和那个老色鬼所干的好事当面对他说出的时候，他能怎么去想呢？怎么能允许这种事呢？怎么能容忍这种事呢？他但愿能把她看作如同圣母一样的神圣、纯洁、而又白壁无暇，看作一个能超脱于这种事情的人，尽管世上所有的姐妹们都犯这样的罪孽。看到她证实了他认为她做了不当的事的相法，简直叫人快发疯了；想象她绝对贞洁地和那个丑陋不堪的老家伙躺在一起，在一处睡觉，但夜里又决不相向而卧或挨在一起，这已经成了支持他神智正常的必需了。啊，上帝呀！
　　一种咔嚓的声响使他朝下望去，他发觉他已经把床脚的黄铜杆扭成了S形。
　　"你为什么不是我爸呢？"他问着那铜杆。
　　"弗兰克，"母亲站在门口叫道。