ESL之人际交往 12 Communication Problems

12 Communication Problems

GLOSSARY 1

to communicate – to share one’s ideas, thoughts, and feelings with anotherperson, and in return understand that person’s ideas, thoughts, and feelings* Do you think people communicate more or less now that we have email?

dialogue – a conversation or discussion between two people* Two people were having a strange dialogue on the bus this morning.

dysfunctional – not working properly; not working as it should; not effective* Sharon has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother.  They haven’t spokento each other in years.

pattern – the way that something happens repeatedly over time; the way thatsomething is done many times* Lately Phou has been in a bad pattern of eating unhealthy food at his desk because he has too much work to do and can’t take a lunch break.

foundation – an idea or fact that something is based on and grows from; an ideaor fact that makes something else possible* The foundation for their marriage is that they trust, respect, and love each othervery much.

to relate to (someone) – to understand and be understood by someone; tounderstand another person’s thoughts and feelings; to understand and beconnected to someone* It’s difficult for me to relate to Samantha because she is so rich and always wants to do and buy expensive things.

to grow apart – to have a relationship become more distant over time; to slowly become less connected to another person* Even though we thought we would be friends forever, we grew apart after ourhigh school graduation.

cornerstone – the most important part of something, and what everything else is supported by; the critical thing that holds something else up* Freedom of speech is the cornerstone of American society.

sympathetic – understanding and sharing the same feelings as another person;sharing another person’s feelings* When Marie’s father was very sick, her teachers were sympathetic, letting herstay home and take tests later.

to validate 2 – to agree with someone that something is true or correct; to provethat something is true or correct* Dr. Huang’s beliefs were validated 3 by her research.

to make (someone) a deal – to offer to do something for someone in exchangefor that person doing something in return* Alicia’s parents made her a deal.  They said that if she did better in school, theywould allow her to take music lessons.

to put (one’s) foot down – to insist on something; to demand that somethingdoes or does not happen* Anton finally put his foot down and told his boss that he wasn’t going to work late at night anymore.

hostile – angry; confrontational 4; very unfriendly; aggressive* Don’t be hostile when a police officer gives you a ticket, or you might create abigger problem.

COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS1.  What does Ethel mean when she says, “We have a strong foundation”?

a)  Their house is built on a very strong foundation.

b)  Their relationship has a good base to grow from.

c)  Their foundation has made it difficult to relate to each other.

2.  Why is Fred putting his foot down?

a)  Because he’s stepping on Oprah.

b)  Because he’s making a demand.

c)  Because he’s communicating more.

______________WHAT ELSE DOES IT MEAN?

patternThe word “pattern,” in this podcast, means the way that something happens repeatedly over time: “Her behavior is a pattern of extreme happiness followedby depression, and then happiness again.”  Or, “Many college students get into apattern of sleeping only 3-4 hours during the week, but then sleeping all day onSaturday.”  Another meaning of “pattern” is the repeating shapes or colors in adesign: “I really like the pattern on your shirt!”  Or, “The pattern on this carpetmakes me dizzy.”  When we talk about making something, a “pattern” is theinstructions or the shape that we follow: “This is a beautiful jacket pattern, but Ithink it’s too difficult for me to make.”  Or, “Do you have any patterns for makingbaby blankets?”

foundationIn this podcast, the word “foundation” means an idea or fact that something is based on and grows from: “The president said that the foundation for thecompany’s success is its dedicated 5 employees.”  A “foundation” is also theconcrete that is on the ground and holds up a building: “During the earthquake,the home moved off of its foundation.”  A “foundation” can also be anorganization that gives money to people or other organizations for a specific purpose: “The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation provides a lot of money forhealthcare in Africa.”  Finally, “foundation” is a colored cream that women put ontheir faces as makeup 6 so that their skin looks better: “Do you think this foundation is too dark for my skin color?”

CULTURE NOTEIn the United States, bookstores sell many books that are written to help people“improve” (make better) their romantic relationships.  John Gottman and JohnGray are two authors who are very well known “relationship gurus,” or peoplewho give a lot of “advice” (recommendations) about relationships.

Dr. John Gottman is a psychology 7 professor who researches how people“interact” (act with and around each other).  He has written many “journal articles”

(stories in professional academic magazines) and he has studied many “couples”

(a man and a woman in a romantic relationship).  His book, Why MarriagesSucceed or Fail, explains that what people do in relationships is different fromwhat they think they do.  The book sells well, but it isn’t extremely well known.

Dr. John Gray doesn’t have as good an education as Dr. Gottman does.  Hehasn’t done very much research, either.  But he is a very good writer and his books are “bestsellers” (books that are very popular).  More than ten millioncopies of his most famous book, Men Are from Mars 8, Women Are from Venus,have been sold.  In his books, he explains that men and women think differently,and he offers many suggestions for how people can change the way they think toimprove their marriage.

Dr. Gottman is very well respected by other “academics” (people who areprofessional teachers and researchers).  His work is “recognized” (identified) as “top” (advanced) psychology.  In contrast, Dr. Gray is very well known among thegeneral public, and his books are entertaining.  His work is usually thought to bepart of “pop psychology,” or “popular psychology,” which is based on generalopinions instead of research.

Which author would you “turn to” (look for advice from) if your relationship werein trouble?

______________Comprehension Questions Correct Answers:  1 – b; 2 – b

COMPLETE TRANSCRIPTWelcome to English as a Second Language Podcast number 289:

Communication Problems.

This is English as a Second Language Podcast number 289.  I'm your host, Dr.

Jeff McQuillan, coming to you from the Center for Educational Development inbeautiful Los Angeles, California.  How are you today?

Remember to visit our website – yes, we have a website! – at eslpod.com.  Onthe website, among other many exciting things, you can download one of ourLearning Guides, which is a complete guide to each episode 9 of this podcast.

Our episode today is called “Communication Problems.”  It's between two people– a dialogue between Ethel and Fred, who are a married couple having difficulty communicating with each other.  Let's get started.

[start of story]

Ethel:  Can we talk?

Fred:  Uh-huh.

Ethel:  I don’t think we communicate very well.  We don’t talk to each other likewe used to.  I think we need to have a dialogue about these dysfunctionalcommunication patterns. Fred:  Hmm.

Ethel:  I think we need to work on our relationship.  We have a strong foundation,but we have problems relating to each other.  Oprah says...

Fred:  Hold on!  Is this something you saw on the Oprah show?

Ethel:  Well, yes, it is.  Oprah did a show about how couples grow apart afteryears of being together, and good communication is the cornerstone of a goodrelationship.  Being a sympathetic listener and validating 10 each other’s feelingsare very important. Fred:  Stop right there.  I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll communicate more with you, butyou have to promise not to bring up Oprah again.  I don’t want a talk show hosttelling me how to run my life.

Ethel:  She’s more than a talk show host.  She’s...

Fred:  I mean it.  I’m putting my foot down.  No more Oprah.  Okay?

Ethel:  Okay, if that’s how you feel about it. Fred:  It is. Ethel:  That’s fine, but I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about your hostilefeelings toward Oprah.

Fred:  Uh!

[end of story]

Our dialogue begins with Ethel saying to Fred, “Can we talk?”  This is a questionthat no husband wants to hear!

Fred says, “Uh-huh,” meaning yes, but it's something you say very informally. “Uh-huh” doesn't mean you are very interested, however.

Ethel then begins: “I don’t think we communicate very well” – I don't think we giveeach other a good idea of our feelings, our thoughts, our ideas.  When we talk about communication in a marriage or relationship, we're talking about how wellthe two people are honest with each other, and tell each other about their ideas and their feelings.

Ethel says, “We don’t talk to each other like we used to,” back many years ago,perhaps.  “I think we need to have a dialogue about these dysfunctionalcommunication patterns.”  A “dialogue” is a conversation between two people. It's often used in psychological therapy or in business negotiations 11 to talk aboutor to describe the idea that we need to have extensive communication – we needto talk for a long time, perhaps, about a certain problem.  The word “dialogue”

can be spelled either D-I-A-L-O-G or D-I-A-L-O-G-U-E; both spellings areacceptable in U.S. English.

Ethel says that she and Fred have “dysfunctional communication patterns.”  Theword “dysfunctional” also comes from psychology.  “Functional” means something works properly – works correctly.  “Dysfunctional” (dysfunctional)means it isn't working correctly – it isn't working properly.  We usually say this about a relationship – within a marriage, within a family, and so forth 12.  You might describe someone's family as “dysfunctional,” meaning there are lots ofproblems, communication and other problems in the family. A “pattern,” or “communication pattern,” is a way of doing something over andover again – repeatedly.  A “pattern” is something that happens repeatedly overtime 13.  It's the way that, in this case, Ethel and Fred typically communicate.  Ethelis saying they have some dysfunctional patterns – things that are not very goodfor their marriage.

Fred says, “Hmm.”  Again, he's showing that he's interested and listening, but nottoo interested. Ethel then continues: “I think we need to work on our relationship,” meaning Ithink we need to improve our relationship – to do something about ourrelationship.  She says, “We have a strong foundation, but we have problems relating to each other.”  A “foundation” is an idea or a fact that something is based on and grows from.  It's an idea or a fact – a situation that you build on topof.  The word “foundation” is also used in other contexts 14, as is the word “pattern.” Take a look at our Learning Guide for this episode for some more detailedexplanations of those other uses.

Ethel then says that she and Fred “have problems relating to each other.”  “Torelate to someone” means to understand that person, and be understood by thatperson – to understand their thoughts and feelings.  She ends by saying, “Oprahsays,” and Fred immediately says, “Hold on!  Is this something you saw on theOprah show?” Oprah is a national talk show, where she interviews famous people and has a lotof programs about psychology.  It's a program that is on every day in theafternoon, and is very popular with many women.  Oprah is very popular, but notnecessarily with men.  That's why Fred is not very happy, or is questioning Ethel,because she saw this on this show, the Oprah show that he doesn't like.

Ethel says, “Well, yes, it is” – it is something I saw on the Oprah show.  “Oprahdid a show,” meaning she had a show – an episode of her program, “about howcouples grow apart after years of being together.”  “To grow apart” means thatyou slowly have a less close relationship, a more distant relationship with theperson that you are married to, for example. Ethel says that “good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship.” The “cornerstone” (one word) here means the most important thing or the item,the idea, the situation that supports everything else – that holds up everything else.  A “cornerstone” is usually the first stone or brick that is put in a newbuilding or a new house, but it's more generally used to mean something similarto “foundation” – the critical part, what everything else depends on.

Ethel continues with some very psychological analysis.  She says, “Being asympathetic listener and validating each other’s feelings are very important.” “Sympathetic” here means understanding and sharing the feelings of the otherperson.  When you say, “I am sympathetic to someone,” you mean that you alsofeel sorry for them or you agree with them about something.  Here, a“sympathetic listener” would be someone who listens, who is interested, whounderstands your feelings.

Ethel says, “Being a sympathetic listener and validating each other’s feelings arevery important.”  “To validate” (validate), in this sentence, means to agree withsomeone that something is true or correct – to agree that you are correct.  I'mvalidating your feelings – I'm saying, “Yes, you are right to feel this way.”

Fred then says, “Stop right there,” meaning stop talking.  “I’ll make you a deal.” “To make someone a deal,” or “to make a deal with someone,” means to offer todo something for someone in exchange for that person doing something for you. So, it's like an agreement, where each of you give the other person somethingthat they want.

Here's Fred's deal: “I’ll communicate more with you, but you have to promise,”

Ethel, “not to bring up Oprah again.”  “To bring up something,” or “to bringsomething up,” means to talk about it, to mention it.  Perhaps it wasn't beingmentioned before, it's a new topic.  Fred says, “I don’t want a talk show hosttelling me how to run my life.”  Oprah is a talk show host.

Ethel says, “She’s more than a talk show host,” meaning that's not her only characteristic or qualification.  “She's...” and Fred interrupts her: “I mean it.  I’mputting my foot down.  No more Oprah.  Okay?”  The expression “to put your footdown” means to insist on something – to demand that something happen or nothappen.  Ethel says, “Okay, if that’s how you feel about it,” and Fred says, “It is,”

that is how I feel about it; I don't want to hear about Oprah. Ethel says, “That’s fine, but I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about your hostilefeelings toward Oprah.”  “To be hostile” means to be very unfriendly, very negative, angry at someone.  Dr. Phil is another popular U.S. talk show host. He's a psychologist who has a program on, just like Oprah, every day, where hetalks about relationships and how to have a better relationship.  Again, these are both programs that are very popular with many women, much less popular withmen – me, for example.  But, I will not criticize Oprah here on the episode!

Now let's listen to this dialogue, this time at a normal speed.

[start of story]

Ethel:  Can we talk?

Fred:  Uh-huh.

Ethel:  I don’t think we communicate very well.  We don’t talk to each other likewe used to.  I think we need to have a dialogue about these dysfunctionalcommunication patterns. Fred:  Mm-hmm.

Ethel:  I think we need to work on our relationship.  We have a strong foundation,but we have problems relating to each other.  Oprah says...

Fred:  Hold on!  Is this something you saw on the Oprah show?

Ethel:  Well, yes, it is.  Oprah did a show about how couples grow apart afteryears of being together, and good communication is the cornerstone of a goodrelationship.  Being a sympathetic listener and validating each other’s feelingsare very important. Fred:  Stop right there.  I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll communicate more with you, butyou have to promise not to bring up Oprah again.  I don’t want a talk show hosttelling me how to run my life.

Ethel:  She’s more than a talk show host.  She’s...

Fred:  I mean it.  I’m putting my foot down.  No more Oprah.  Okay?

Ethel:  Okay, if that’s how you feel about it. Fred:  It is. Ethel:  That’s fine, but I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about your hostilefeelings toward Oprah.

Fred:  Uh!

[end of story]

The script for this episode was written by Oprah fan, Dr. Lucy Tse. From Los Angeles, California, I'm Jeff McQuillan.  Thanks for listening.  We'll seeyou next time on ESL Podcast.

English as a Second Language Podcast is written and produced by Dr. Lucy Tse,hosted by Dr. Jeff McQuillan.  This podcast is copyright 2007.