成长的烦恼第二季:My Brother Myself

Ben: Let’s go, lets go, lets go. We are going to be late.
Jason: Ben. You don't have to yell 1.
Ben: Sure, I’m excited.
Jason: Then go outside.
Ben: What the heck's taking so long? We got to move.
Jason: Inside Ben.
Ben: I'm sorry dad. I lost control.
Jason: Everyone on the block knows it.
Ben: I can't help it. How many kids get to spend their Friday night at a live taping of The
Cosby Show?
Jason: I'm excited too Ben, but you don't hear me yelling 2. Let’s go!
Ben: What’s taking mum and Carol so darn long?
Jason: Well Ben, I guess you are finally old enough to hear this.
Ben: What?
Jason: Women are always late.
Ben: Why?
Jason: No-one knows Ben. It’s just the way it is and always has been.
Ben: We could leave without them.
Jason: Well this is it. The next thing you have to learn about women Ben, is that they hate it
when you ditch them.
Ben: Why are they always late?
Jason: I didn't say that women made sense.
Maggie: What?
Jason: I said they make tremendous sense. Let’s face it Ben, they are better than us. Oh you
look great. Well does she look..You look.. I'm going to start the car.
Ben: Do we have to wait for Carol too?
Maggie: She's your sister.
Carol: All set. How do I look?
Maggie: Great. Mike, we're leaving.
Mike: Ok. You guys have fun. Hey carol, come on. Aren't you going to go get ready?
Carol: May your date tonight turn out to be the most embarrassing event of your entire life.
Ben: Mike, I don't get it. How could you go and mess around with some stupid girl, when you
could see the taping of the number one show on TV.
Mike: When puberty hits, you'll get it Ben.
Ben: Dad already told me about girls. I'm not impressed.
Jason: Well, wasn't that a great ending?
Ben: I missed it. I can't believe I missed it. Oh no! Puberty!
Mike: Alright, I made it.
Ben: Ahh!
Mike: What the..Ben, what are you doing?
Ben: Mike, I had to talk to you and I didn't want to miss you.
Mike: You almost killed me.
Ben: Mike, something weird 3 happened tonight.
Mike: What?
Ben: Puberty.
Mike: Oh get out of here.
Ben: I'm not kidding. I mean there I was laughing, having a great time, and all of a sudden I
look over and there's this girl and she's looking t me real funny and she goes (waves), and
bang. I heard this weird kind of music and everything looked goofy and I was sweating. I felt,
I don't know, like my body didn't fit anymore.
Mike: Yep, that's puberty all right.
Ben: It was gross 4. How do I stop it?
Mike: You can't Ben. You see, nobody stops puberty.
Ben: How long does it last?
Mike: Well, you never know. It could last forever. Look at Michael J Fox.
Ben: I'm confused.
Mike: Yeah, well, you just got to learn to live with it Ben.
Mike: Like you have?
Mike: Right.
Ben: But I don't want to make a total jerk 5 out of myself every time a girl walks into the room.
Mike: Who says I do that?
Ben: Mum.
Mike: Alright, well look. You're just going to have to take my word on this one Ben. Now
puberty is fantastic. I mean, it’s like an amusement park filled with girls.
Ben: I hate girls.
Mike: Oh come on Ben. Think about that. Do you really hate girls?
Ben: Yes. No. No I don't hate girls.
Mike: Crazy, crazy.
Ben: I don't know anything about girls. What do I say to them?
Mike: Ben, listen..
Ben: Explain girls mike. Please please please.
Mike: Ben, you are going to have to talk to dad. Ok.
Ben: I can’t do that. This is private. Help me!
Mike: Listen Ben. I'll be straight with you. Dad made me promise that if you ever came to me
with any questions on sex...I wouldn't say a word.
Ben: Who’s talking about sex? I want to know about girls.
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: Morning Bennie.
Jason: Are you wearing after shave?
Ben: Yeah.
Jason: Why?
Ben: I don't know. Would you guys mind if I didn't talk. I've got stuff to think about.
Jason: Think away.
Maggie: Jason, do you know what would be fun? Tonight you and I go out on a date.
Jason: Date.
Maggie: You remember those. We used to have them when we were teenagers.
Jason: Those.
Maggie: We could get all dressed up, go out for a nice dinner, a little dancing. I mean how long
has it been since we've done that?
Jason: How old is Mike?
Maggie: How about it sailor?
Jason: Well, I oo, aaa, eee
Jason: Come on Ben, what do you think? You got any advice?
Ben: I don't even know what you are supposed to do on a date.
Jason: Well you go out. Have a good time.
Ben: Doing what?
Jason: Well it doesn't matter exactly what you're doing Ben. What matters is that you are
spending time with the one who captured your heart.
Ben: How do you know if she captured your heart?
Jason: She pays.
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Just kidding. You know I'm kidding, don't you Ben?
Ben: Oh yeah.
Jason: Well then you got a date honey.
Maggie: Oh great. I'll go call a sitter.
Ben: I don't need a baby sitter.
Maggie: Yes you do Ben.
Ben: Dad!
Jason: We've been through this before Ben.
Ben: Oh great. A whole stupid boring night with a twelve year old girl. Hmmm...
Mike: Hey babe. What’s happening?
Ben: How come you are talking to yourself?
Mike: I'm not talking to myself. I'm just rehearsing my moves.
Ben: What are moves?
Mike: They're what you put on girls.
Ben: Oh yeah!
How come you do that?
Mike: in order to look cool Ben. You see it’s just as important t to look cool as it is to be cool.
Ben: But you are wearing your old pants.
Mike: Well yeah. I mean although it is important to look cool, the worst thing I could do is
make it look like I went out of my way for this fox.
Ben: Why?
Mike: Why! Ben look, girls don't like guys who are wimps 7. They like guys who are a little bit
unpredictable. Kind of guy who's a little bit dangerous. The kind of guy who can get into
trouble at any moment.
Ben: So Pee Wee Herman probable has more dates than he can handle.
Mike: Get out. Get out Ben.
Jason: Let’s go, lets go, lets go!
Mike: Dad, I’m going to let you in on a little secret ok. Girls are always late.
Jason: Really?
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: So who’s the lucky girl tonight?
Mike: Well, I’m going out with Sheena (woo woo) Burkavitz. See you later dad.
Jason: Woo woo! Come one Maggie. The reservations for seven thirty.
Carol: Well, you're going to be late. See you.
Jason: Wait wait, let me get this straight. You are going where?
Carol: Bobby's taking me to a movie and I’m waiting for him on the front porch 8 because
when he comes here he has to talk to you, and that makes him nervous, so I figured I’d wait
for him outside and spare him the pain.
Jason: Well, how thoughtful.
Trudy: Wow. Like, I didn't even ring yet.
Carol: Bye Trudy.
Trudy: Bye. Hi Doctor Seaver. Sorry I’m late.
Jason: Oh that’s ok Trudy. Al women are.
Maggie: All women are what?
Jason: Well hi. I'm Jason Seaver. I'm your date this evening. And you are?
Maggie: Anxious. Oh Trudy, the phone number for the restaurant is by the phone, help
yourself to anything in the refrigerator, we'll be back around eleven.
Trudy: Right.
Jason: Ben!
Ben: I'm still in the stupid bath tub.
Maggie: He's taking a shower.
Jason: That’s his third one today.
Maggie: Maybe he can make up for last year. We're leaving Ben.
Ben: Ok
Maggie: Night Trudy.
Jason: See you Trudy.
Trudy: Night.
Ben: Hey babe. What’s happening?
Voice in Bens head: What the heck's going on here? I'm using all my moves and she acts like
she doesn't care. Wait a minute. What did dad say? Women don't make sense. Wow, so I
guess it's going the way it’s supposed to. So far, so good.
Trudy: Ben, stop clowning around. Hu!
Ben: What?
Trudy: get away from me. What are you doing?
Ben: I’ve had enough of this junk. I'm in the mood to do something unpredictable. Something
dangerous. I don't know. I'm just the kind of kid who likes to get in trouble.
Trudy: You'd better not young man. This is the best babysitting job I’ve got, and I’m not about
to loose it. Now sit still and be quiet or I’ll send you to bed.
Voice in bens head: This is the e worst night of my life.
Mike: This is the worst night of my life. I can't believe this. I was stood up. Me, Mike Seaver,
stood up. Can you believe that?
Ben: I sure can.
Mike: That’s it. I have had it with women.
Trudy: Should I call my folks to come get me？
Yeah sure, go ahead. Just going to hang out here with Ben. Ben, why are you dressed like that?
Bennie.
Ben: Mike. Please don't mike. Please don't.
Mike: Bennie are you putting the moves on your baby sitter?
Ben: Ahhhh!
Mike: Yeah Boner. I got some news about my date. With woo woo Burkavitz. Yeah. You're not
going to believe this, but I got stood up. Oh, why is that so easy for you to believe? Yeah, well
anyway. I just wanted you to know that as of tonight I am taking a break from women.
(Opens door)
Girl: Well hi.
Mike: Breaks over. Hey babe. What’s happening?
Girl: Well not much. I'm Trudy’s sister. I had to drive all the way over here to pick her up.
Mike: You drive? So you are sixteen?
Girl: Eighteen.
Mike: Eighteen. Eighteen's good. Hey, what a coincidence.
Girl: Is that your convertible 9 in the driveway?
Mike: Yeah. It sure is. Do you want it?
Girl: I'm Stacey.
Mike: Mike.
Trudy: I'm bored.
Stacey: Oh yeah. Well, um, it was nice meeting you.
Mike: Same here. Say, um, would you like to go out sometime?
Stacey: Oh I'd love to. But I'm only in town for the weekend. I have to go back to George
Town. University.
Mike: You go to college?
Stacey: Yeah. You?
Mike: Uh, another coincidence. Well, what about tonight?
Stacey: Oh well, it’s a little late for a date.
Trudy: If you went out now, dad would have a cow.
Stacey: What do you know Trudy? Mike, well, the truth is, I’m a bit tired.
Trudy: yeah right. Can we go?
Stacey: Wait in the car. Kids!
Mike: So young, so impatient.
Stacey: Well, I’m coming back in three weeks.
Mike: Three weeks. I mean, yeah, we could work something out.
Stacey: Yeah, you could come down to DC.
Mike: DC! No I don't think my folks, I mean my voltswagen is going to make it. See um, I'm
just visiting home for the weekend too.
Stacey: Oh, where do you go to school?
Mike: Yale.
Stacey: Wow!
Mike: Yeah, you see it would be a real long drive from DC to Boston.
Stacey: Boston! Yale’s in New Haven 10. Harvard’s in Boston.
Mike: Oh um, right, See I make that mistake all the time. See I turned down the Yale
scholarship and took the one from Harvard instead.
Stacey: Oh, my little sister is freaking out.
Mike: Yeah, you know. My little brother probably drove her to it. See he only recently
discovered girls and uh, maybe Trudy got a little more than she bargained for.
Stacey: Ah, that's sweet. Well..
Mike: Uh, you know it's very sweet and you know what really gets me is that the first crush
my little brother has on a girl she has to go home early.
Stacey: Oh that’s a shame.
Mike: A shame. It's a crime.
Stacey: Well, I think it’s just as wrong that my little sister is denied the experience of some
innocent flirting 11.
Mike: Um, you know couldn’t agree more and with the way the world going today, I think that
these two kids might stumble 12 into puberty without adults like you and me around.
Stacey: Oh, that’s frightening.
Mike: That’s the idea.
Stacey: I'll get my sister.
Mike: Ok.
Ben: Alright! Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here is your train.
Mike: Bennie, my man. There you are.
Ben: leave me alone mike.
Mike: Look Ben, I need you upstairs. Trudy's up there.
Ben: Mike, I'm through with girls.'
Mike: You can't be Ben. You haven't even started yet.
Ben: I'm thinking about the priesthood.
Mike: Alright, alright. So maybe things haven't gone so well for you today.
Ben: Mike, she laughed at me.
Mike: So. Ben, all women laugh at guys. You just gotta get used to it. This is no time to give
up.
Ben: Oh good mike. You just squished Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
Mike: look Ben. I'm going to tell you what I’m going o do. I'm going to tell you all you need to
know about women, so you can go right back up there and have the last laugh on Trudy. Ok?
Ben: She doesn't care.
Mike: Doesn't care! Come on Ben. Don't fall for her little act. Now listen to me, all girls do and
say the opposite of what they mean. And don't tell me you didn't know that.
Ben: Course I did, I just forgot for a minute.
Mike: alright, now are you going to go back up there or are you going to stay down here and
wimp 6 out?
Ben: But I don't know what to say to her. I don't know how to act with her.
Mike: Ok, ok. Now the single most important thing is not to embarrass yourself.
Ben: Ok.
Mike: Ok. That means no belching 13.
Ben: Ever?
Mike: Well, at least not when you're with her.
Ben: Gotcha.
Mike: Ok, no screaming.
Ben: Of course not.
Mike: Ok and the most important thing Ben, don't have anything with you that's alive.
Ben: Oh.
Trudy: Let me go, let me go! He's just a stupid little kid and I don't care about him.
Stacey: You keep your mouth shut and you pretend to like him. And you do it for me.
Ben: Hi.
Trudy: Sure.
Mike: Um, look, hwy don't you two finish watching a movie and I’ll show Stacey the kitchen.
Stacey: I would love to see the kitchen.
Ben: I understand you love me.
Trudy: Not at all.
Ben: Good, very good. I don't like you either.
Mike: And this is what I like to call the refrigerator.
Stacey: Uh hu!
Mike: Want to touch it? So what else can I show you?
Trudy: Ben stop that.
Ben: Yeah right.
Mike: So you see, according to my sociology 14 professor at Hale, uh Yarvard, at college, um, the
single greatest barrier between male female relations, is tension about the first kiss. Now, we
could just do that right now and get it over with.
Stacey: Well, you know, I just don't..
Mike: yeah, you see. I feel so much better. I feel like a high school boy again.
Stacey: Where did you graduate from?
Mike: Dewey High.
Stacey: You're a hooter! I'm a Hooter! Class of eighty six.
Mike: Yeah, what a coincidence.
Stacey: you couldn't have been in my class. I'd have remembered you.
Mike: Um, well, I was much shorter then. You should have looked down. There I was.
Trudy: Your hand is sweating all over my back.
(He kisses her)
Yuk!
Ben: You're welcome.
Trudy: Try it again and I’ll slug you.
Ben: Wait a minute; are you really saying you really don't like me?
Trudy: Ben, you are just a stupid little kid with sweaty hands.
Ben: That's it. I've had it with girls. I got all dressed up for you and I wasn't supposed to tell
you that. You say the opposite of what you mean, but you really mean it. This is too hard.
Everything was so simple before I went to the Cosby Show.
Trudy: You've been to a taping of the Cosby Show? In person.
Ben: Yeah.
Trudy: Really?
Ben: We do stuff like that all the time.
Trudy: Wow!
Stacey: Come on Trudy, we're getting out of this play pen.
Mike: Look, I didn't say I went to college. I just said it was a coincidence.
Stacey: Oh, and what was the coincidence?
Mike: Well, that you're going to college and i've..heard of it.
Stacey: Grow up! Why are you still sitting there? I said lets go.
Trudy: Do I have to? Ben and I are having a very interesting conversation.
Stacey: We're leaving.
Trudy: I'm sorry Ben, I have to go.
Ben: You're really sorry?
Trudy: Are you kidding?
Mike: Wait a minute, I thought you hated him.
Trudy: That’s before I got to know him. When can we get together and talk.
Ben: Um, gee 15, I don't know. I guess I’ll call you.
Trudy: No no. I'll call you. Benjamin, bye. Wow, the Cosby Show.
Ben: I've also been to the ten thousand dollar pyramid staring Mr. Dick Clark!
Mike: Alright, alright, what’s the deal?
Ben: What deal?
Mike: I want to know what you said to Trudy.
Ben: Just what you told me to.
Mike: And what else?
Ben: That’s it.
Mike: Come on Ben. What else did you say? I need to know.
Ben: Mike, are you asking my advice about women?
Mike: What! Come on Ben, that’s stupid. So, like, what did you say?
Ben: I thought you knew everything about girls.
Mike: Well of course I do. Ok, alright, maybe not everything. But a lot, I know a whole lot. Ok
nothing, zero, zip.
Ben: But I always thought..
Mike: Of course you did Ben. I mean, you were just a starry 16 eyed little kid. But I guess its
time you learned the truth, now that you are a guy.
Ben: I'm an actual guy?
Mike: Yeah, a small one, but yes.
Ben: Gee, I’m a guy and I know as much about girls as you do.
Mike: You know nothing.
Ben: Uh hu!
Jason: Hi guys
Mike and Ben: Hi.
Maggie: You’re up late.
Ben: We're having a night cap.
Jason: Oh and since you asked, we had a great date.
Maggie: We sure did. Well goodnight.
Jason: What, the evenings over?
Maggie: Night boys.
Ben and Mike: Night mum.
Jason: See you in the morning.
Mike: Dad, dad. You got a second?
Jason: Actually I, I
Mike: It's important.
Jason: What is it?
Mike: Well um, see, me and Ben were discussing women and, we kind of wanted to know your
thoughts.
Jason: You two were discussing women?
Ben: Yeah, I’m a guy now. So what do you think?
Mike: See what we got to know is, like at what age did you finally understand women?
Jason: Ha ha ha ha.
Ben: What’s so funny?
Jason: Well nothing. It seems like only yesterday I was asking my dad that exact question.
Mike: When was that?
Jason: It was yesterday.
Carol: Hi mum.
Maggie: Carol, you startled 17 me. Why are you sitting here in the dark?
Carol: Ah Bobby and I are fighting.
Maggie: I'm sorry. Why?
Carol: He says I should call him if I ever decide to make sense.
Maggie: Well that's pretty rude.
Carol: Yeah, I thought so too.
Maggie: So you are having some cake so you feel better?
Carol: No. I'm not hungry. You want some cake?
Maggie: No, I never eat cake this late.
Carol: Mum, do you understand men?
Maggie: No. But that’s ok. They don't understand us either.
Carol: What’s not to understand?
Maggie: You got me.