成长的烦恼第二季:Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins

Ben: Hi mum, hi dad. How are you guys?
Maggie: hi honey. We're fine.
Jason: How's school today Ben?
Ben: Fantastic!
Jason: Ooh! That good huh?
Ben: Wait til you here. This morning when the principle was finished doing announcements
over the PA, she got a shock when she touched the microphone, and yelled out a real naughty
word.
Maggie: So that’s what made it a fantastic day?
Ben: You bet. Boy, you could hear that dirty word echoing through the halls.
Jason: Well, look who made it through another day of school.
Mike: Well barely. Hey, uh dad. Do you think I could borrow about two hundred and seventeen
dollars?
Ok, I’ll settle for five.
Radio: WZLB time, it's four fifteen and that’s Jack 1 pot call in time. Two thousand big ones in a
hopper right now, just waiting for you to call five five five loot, and tell me the name of this
song....
Mike: I knew it! I knew it! I knew the song Ben! I got it! I got it!
Ben: Dial already.
Jason: and Maggie: Go mike go. Hurry up!
Mike: You know Carol's been driving me crazy playing that song. Boy am I glad she's my
sister.
Jason: Ah, doesn't that get right here?
Mike: Hi, I knew that song, it’s..Ah it’s a recording 2. All lines are busy.
Maggie: Ah what a shame mike. Well maybe next time.
Mike: Yeah, hey dad, since I didn't win the two thousand, how about the five?
Jason: This isn't your day mike.
Ben: I got some news that will cheer you up Mike. Wait til you hear what Miss Cunn said over
the Pa.
Jason: Don't you dare quote her.
Carol: hey mum, hey dad
Maggie: Hi sweetheart.
Jason: Carol, a breath of normalcy.
Carol: Oh listen. I need a note form one of you for the field trip next week. I need some
canned food for the charity drive.
Jason: and Maggie: Great.
Carol: And I really need a nose job.
Maggie: Sure. Did she just say..
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: And I said..
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: No.
Jason: Yes.
Maggie: Carol!
Jason: Carol!
Maggie: Carol.
Carol: Yes
Maggie: Did you just say..
Jason: Honey, what's this..?
Maggie: After you.
Jason: Honey what's this..
Maggie: Did you just say..
Jason: I give up.
Maggie: Did you just say you wanted a nose job?
Carol: I knew you guys would be upset.
Jason: We're not upset.
Maggie: Of course not.
Jason: No. We just want to know what this is all about.
Maggie: But we are certainly not upset.
Jason: We'd be upset if you were serious about this.
Carol: I am.
Maggie: Well then. We're upset.
Carol: Mum. I've been thinking about this for a long time. And then last week, this girl in my
Latin class came in after having it done, and mum she looks great.
Maggie: But honey you have a cute nose. You have a perky little button nose.
Jason: Yeah, you have your mother’s nose.
Carol: I know. No mum mum. It looks good on you. You can get away with a bog 3 nose. I mean,
cos all your other features are big too. I don't mean big, I just mean..
Jason: Carol, just give up.
Maggie: Carol, who says you have a big nose?
Carol: Well I do and that’s what matters, right?
Mike: Hey Carol, someone named Charlotte Bowzer's on the phone.
Carol: Oh great! She's giving me all the information about her plastic surgeon.
Jason: Carol. We’re talking to you.
Carol: I know, but this is important.
Mike: Wait, wait wait a minute. Did I hear right. I carol actually considering plastic surgery?
Jason: Mike, this doesn't concern you.
Mike: Right, but before I go, I just wanted to say ..Bravo.
Jason: This isn't like carol. I mean where did she get this hyper concern for her looks?
Maggie?
Maggie: What’s wrong with my nose?
Jason: Your nose is beautiful. Your nose is the first part of you I fell in love with. In fact when I
get a picture of you in my mind, all I see are those two come hither nostrils 4. Yeah look at this.
As far as noses go, this is perfection. God should have such a nose. What am I saying? This is
the nose of god.
Maggie: Jason, just because you are frustrated 5 with Carol, doesn't mean you have to take it
out on me.
Jason: Oh, I’m not frustrated, I’m just confused. I mean why would our sensible carol want to
get her face rearranged, just because someone named Charlotte Bowzer did it?
Ben: Hey hey. Is it true that Carols getting a face transplant?
Jason: Ben, let me give you some advice. Don't listen to mike. That applies not only to this
case, but to life in general.
Maggie: Jason, you know what. This nose thing is just a phase. I mean a lot of teenage girls
go through it. And I know it’s hard to believe, but even I did.
Jason: I believe it.
Maggie: you do?
Jason: I mean with great difficulty. You are right. This is a phase and I know just what to do
about it. We sit her down, we talk to her and we ask her reasons. Then we have an intelligent
dialogue between a responsible child and her supportive parents.
Maggie: Sure. We ask her all the right questions and carol will see that she hasn't thought this
thing through at all.
Carol: A nose job or rhyno plasti is an out patient procedure normally involving a local
anesthetic 6 that wears off in about four hours. It is usually recommended that the patient
remain in bed for one additional day. There is discoloration of the nose and orbits of the eyes
as a result of haemotoma from blows to the mallet 7. And it costs only twenty four hundred
dollars.
Maggie: what did I say? She hasn't thought this through at all.
Carol: First of all, I’m still the same carol who gets straight A's and thinks everything through.
And this is not a whim 8 or an adolescent phase if that's what you're thinking.
Jason: Oh not me.
Carol: The basic question here is, do you believe that the size of a persons nose can affect the
course of their life?
Jason: Well..
Carol: Explain Carl Molden?
Jason: Let’s keep the size of Carl Moldens honker out of this, ok. We want to find out why you
want this surgery.
Carol: Well I’d feel better about the way I looked, and well, I’d feel better about myself.
Jason: Well honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look.
Carol: Dad. Remember when you started working out with weights?
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: And mum, remember why started coloring your hair?
Maggie: I add occasional high lights.
Carol: But don't you see. You guys did those things so you'd feel better about the way you
look. That’s all I’m asking.
Jason: Alright, well your mother and I have to discuss this, so would you mind stepping out of
the room?
Carol: Sure, sure.
Jason: Could you step a little further out?
Carol: Oh fine. Fine.
Maggie: Jason, this discussion is a great touch because carol will actually think that we
considered this before we said no.
Jason: Well...
Maggie: Don't say well I know. I know that well too well.
Jason: Well honey I don't want this any more than you do, but we've always relied on carols
common sense.
Maggie: Which she has taken leave of.
Jason: No point to suddenly start treating her like she's bens age.
Maggie: Well she’ll get used to it.
Jason: I say we should go ahead and tell her she can have the nose job.
Maggie: Jason.
Jason: If she pays for it herself. See that way, for every dime 10 she has to save, she'll have time
to see if it’s worth it. Twenty four hundred dollars. That’s a lot of thinking Maggie.
Maggie: But honey. What if she saves the money and she still wants a nose job?
Jason: By the time carol saves twenty four hundred dollars, she's going to need a face life.
Carol: ten dollars a week into twenty four hundred is two hundred and twenty four, divided by
fifty two is ...four and a half years.
Hello Michael. Hot shirt.
Mike: No carol. I don't have any money to lend you. And you know what, it really pains me to
say that, knowing what a worthy 11 cause this is.
Carol: Oh go squeeze some zits.
Mike: Now what a rude thing to say, especially to a guy who happens to know of a job where
you could make some big money.
Carol: What job?
Mike: No no no no. It's too late Carol. I'm hurt.
Carol: Oh come on mike. I'm sorry. What job?
Mike: Truly sorry?
Carol: In tears. What's the job?
Mike: Well, word is, American express need someone to replace Carl Molden.
Carol: You scum.
Mike: Alright alright. So it’s a little joke. I was just kidding there. Ok, alright lets be serious
now carol. Ok, now come on Carol. You don't need to spend all that money on a nose job.
Carol: Right, because I’m beautiful already?
Mike: No I said let’s be serious. Now look, I know where you can get a nose job for half the
price.
Carol: Wow!
Mike: Igor!
Ben: It is good with me.
Jason: Dinner!
Ben: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Liver ahhhhh!
Maggie: liver is good for you.
Mike: Oh is that liver I smell?
Maggie: Yes, and its got lots of iron in it.
Mike: Mum, can't we just eat a skeleton instead?
Maggie: What in the world?
Carol: Since I have to wait so long to save the money I need, I decided 12 to camouflage 13 my
facial deformity, with the subtle use of make up.
Mike: Looking good carol.
Maggie: That's enough carol. Upstairs right now and wash it off.
Carol: But mum!
Jason: It's not going to work carol, you are still going to have to save the money yourself.
Carol: Alright fine. Fine. I'll go up to my room, but I just want you to know I am never coming
out. Ok? Just think about it. Never.
Jason: Now exactly what are you doing?
Mike: Being sent to my room without dinner.
Jason: You're getting a double portion.
Mike: No no dad.
Jason: And you too.
Ben: Hey!
Radio: Alright its jack pot call-in time.
Mike: I'm not missing it this time.
Radio: We've put another one thousand dollars into the jack pot for the fifth caller to identify
our mystery song.
Mike: I got it. Hey it’s the same song. I got this one. Carol, carol, get off the phone right now.
Off now. I don't believe this. I know the name of this song and carols not letting me use the
phone.
Radio: And here's our fifth caller right now. Hi what’s your answer?
Carol: In the name of love.
Radio: That is absolutely right.
What's your name honey?
Carol: Carol Seaver.
Maggie: and Jason: What!
Radio: You just won three thousand dollars. Do you know what you are going to do with all
that money?
Carol: I sure do.
Maggie: Honey, we're saying no for your own good.
Ben: Speaking of her own good..
Carol: How could this possibly be for my own good?
Jason: Carol, we're a little older, a little wiser. We have some more perspective.
Carol: Breaking your solemn promise is for my own good!
Jason: Well sometimes parents just have to be unfair.
Carol: I'm going to remember this day. Te day my parents gave me their word and then broke
it.
Mike: Boy am I full.
Ben: Yeah, liver wasn't as bad as I thought.
Mike: Yeah. I just couldn't stop eating that stuff mum. Can we be excused?
Maggie: Ok. Jason!
Jason: I was just thinking. I know we've stopped carol, but at what price? Now we'll never
know why she's so upset about the way she looks. Maybe she'll never know. What's causing
this negative self image? I just can't help but feel we are cutting off our own nose to spite our
face. Ok, bad choice of words.
Carol: Mike.
Mike: Ok Brooke. You win.
Carol: Come on Mike. Get up.
Mike: Brooke. Oh carol, no what's going on.
Carol: Mike I need your help.
Mike: Carol get lost.
Carol: It's worth fifty bucks 14.
Mike: Alright, name it.
Carol: I need you to drive me somewhere without anybody knowing.
Mike: Where?
Carol: What difference does it make?
Mike: A lot Carol. I don't want my friends seeing me driving you around.
Carol: Alright, I need you to drive me to the doctors building downtown.
Mike: The doctors building?
Carol: Yeah, don't worry. You won't ruin into any of your friends there. They are beyond
medicine.
Mike: Hey Carol. Are you really going through with this nose thing?
Carol: It's none of your business.
Mike: Hey carol, you know that doctor is not going to do anything without parents consent.
Carol: Maybe getting mum and dad to sign a consent form isn't so hard at all.
Mike: Forgery 15.
Carol: Shhh
Mike: You know, I had no idea you could be so slimy. You're ok. Ok, now where was I.
Carol: and m No!
Carol: You know, you didn't have to come up here.
Mike: Yeah, I just didn't want to wait in the car. You want me to leave?
Carol: Well as long as you are here...
Receptionist: Name?
Carol: Hi. I have an appointment with Doctor Kowabash for a preliminary consultation 16 for
rhyno plasti. I have the parents consent form right here. See, my parent’s signature, my
father’s signature. I'll have them pay in cash before the procedure, so I’ll just wait there until
you call me. Thank you.
Receptionist: Name.
Carol: Yes, how silly of me. I'm so sorry. I get really nervous around doctors. And receptionists.
Anyone in white actually.
Receptionist: Name.
Mike: Oh it's Carol Seaver.
Receptionist: Her name.
Mike: It is.
Receptionist: Oh.
Carol: He's a well respected psychiatrist 17.
Receptionist: Him?
Carol: Not him. He's my stupid brother.
Receptionist: Thank you.
Mike: Smooth.
Receptionist: Yes, do you have a listing for a doctor Jason Seaver?
(phone rings)
Ben: Ok ok.
Hello. Doctor Seaver is either with a mental patient, or in the bathroom. Dad! Dad!
Jason: Ben, you know the rules. You don't interrupt when I’m with a patient.
Receptionist: Mental patient.
Maggie: Hi honey.
Ben: You want to talk to my mum? You're welcome very much.
Mum.
Maggie: Thanks. Hello. Yes carol's my daughter. She's there. Where's there? Excuse me. Who
is doctor Kalibash? What? No we certainly did not sign a consent form. No no, please don't say
a word to her. We'll be right down. Thank you.
Jason!
Ben: He's with a mental patient.
Maggie: I can not believe this.
Mike: Can you believe that some people actually do that to themselves on purpose? Oh sorry.
Carol: Mike, if you're going to say stuff like that, wait in the car. Ok?
Mike: I'm sorry. I just meant that it looks like major pain.
Carol: Mike.
Mike: Oh right. Look! Carol, if you are so chicken about this, why are you even doing this?
Carol: You know very well why I’m doing this. You are just setting me up for one of your little
jokes.
Mike: What jokes?
Carol: Oh I don't know. Probably some stupid joke like, "carol, if you really want to improve
you looks, why don't you just get a new flea 18 collar?'
Mike: That’s good. I like that Carol. Hey, you said it.
Carol: I just beat you to it. That’s all.
Mike: Yeah, I guess I have come up with a zinger or two in my day.
Carol: Yeah.
Mike: Yeah, kind of like the time I told you to go break a mirror, or how about the time I told
Eddie you were in a bad mood because you had to be wormed.
Wait a minute. Carol, are you saying that all my little jokes about you being ugly have
something to do with you coming here today?
Carol: Of course not.
Mike: You're lying.
Carol: I am not.
Mike: You are.
Carol: If you think that I am even aware that you have been calling me funny looking for the
past, all my life, you're crazy.
Mike: Carol, why would you even listen to me?
Come on carol, look. You're my sister. Alright. I'm supposed to call you ugly. That’s my job.
Carol: What now I suppose you’re going to say you didn't mean it?
Mike: Look. Ok. Alright, alright. Look, did you mean it all those times you called me so
incredibly stupid?
Alright, alright. Bad example. Carol come on now. This is brother and sister stuff here. Look,
Eddie calls his sister ugly. Boner thinks his sister's ugly.
Carol: Boners sister is ugly.
Mike: It's not the point carol. The point is, you're not ugly. As a matter of fact, in the last
couple of years, you begin kind of..You’ve been getting better looking.
Carol: Oh sure.
Mike: Carol, this is tough for me alright. I mean, I see the way guys look at you. I know that
look.
Carol: Yeah?
Mike: Yeah. I mean, you know when your friends look at your sister that way. It's kind of
weird 19.
Carol: So you're saying that...
Mike: (mumbles)
Carol: What?
Mike: You're pretty. I said I think you are kind of pretty.
Carol: Well, you think I'm pretty.
Mike: Yeah. And if you have any kind of sensitivity at all, you will never ever tell anyone that I
said you looked pow wow. Ok?
Maggie: Carol, how dare you disobey us.
Carol: Mum, dad!
Jason: I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but Carol Ann Seaver, you are grounded.
Carol: Wait!
Maggie: No explanations. You are not getting a nose job.
Carol: I know.
Jason: What?
Carol: I'm not getting a nose job.
Jason: Don't confuse us by agreeing with us carol. Now we'll talk about this at home.
Maggie: You bet we will. We have to convince you..
Carol: I don't want a nose job. I don't need a nose job. I look fine just the way I am. In fact I
might even be a little bit pretty.
Jason: Did you have anything to do with this?
Mike: Me, hey I was trying to convince her to go for a whole new head.
Jason: What?
Maggie: Well I just need to know, do you really think..
Jason: Yes honey, your nose is wonderful. It's perfect.
Maggie: Thank you. Do you think your nose is perfect?
Jason: Sure.
Maggie: Oh!
Jason: What?
Maggie: No reason.
Jason: Maggie, there's nothing wrong with my nose. OK? And frankly 20 I’m a little tired with all
this nose talk.
Maggie: I agree sweet heart.
Jason: It's itchy. I'm scratching..
Maggie: Honk 9 honk!