Last Year’s Christmas Bill

Last Year’s Christmas Bill

George: Gracie suppose you start explaining these Christmas bills, who got this $25 hat?

Gracie:  Oh, I gave that to Clara Bagley. I’ve decided 1 to 1)break up our friendship.

George: Then...why did you give her an expensive hat?

Gracie:  Well, I have one exactly like it and when she sees me with it on then she’ll stop speaking to me.

George: There must be cheaper ways to lose a friend? Here’s a bill for a 2)bushel of nuts delivered to San Francisco. Who’d you send those to?

Gracie:  My mother, that was your own suggestion, dear. Every time I said what’ll we send mother you said 3)nuts to her.

George: I should give your mother a bushel of nuts, what she ever give me?

Gracie:  She gave you me. I’m as good as them nuts.

George:  4)You can say that again.

Gracie:  I’d rather not, I did not like the way it sounded.

George: And you got this 5)chromium chair with the plastic seat for whom?

Gracie:  Oh, my brother Willy, he’s building his own house with a 6)G.I. loan and he’s crazy about 7)antique furniture.

George: A chromium and plastic chair isn’t antique.

Gracie:   It will be by the time the house is built.

George:  How ‘bout 2 this necklace, who got that?

Gracie:  My sister Bessy. She needed it to hide her 8)appendicitis 3 scar.

George: Uh, on her neck? An appendicitis scar is on the stomach.

Gracie:  I know but Bessy was so 9)ticklish 4 they had...

George: That they had to operate up the ass 5 I see. You 10)made that up.

Gracie:  Well, I was just trying to do it to amuse you.

George: Well I am not amused, those relatives of yours they’re... they’re costing me a fortune. Here’s a bill for a pair of earrings 6.

Gracie:  Well now don’t scream about those George. Bought those for one of your relatives.

George: Who?

Gracie:  Your wife.

George: I might have known. Do you, do you, uh, what do you expect me to do about these bills?

Gracie:  Write out cheques for them. Here, here’s the special 11)fountain pen you use for paying bills.

George: Special fountain pen for paying bills?

Gracie:  Yes, it writes under 12)protest.

George: Well I got news for you kid, I can’t pay these bills.

Gracie:  Why not?

George: Because there’s not enough money in the bank.

Gracie:  Oh don’t be silly, it says right on the window of the bank there’s over twelve million dollars in there.

George: I mean there’s not enough money in my account and if you 13)overdraw 7 your account you can be put in jail.

Gracie:  Oh dear. Well don’t you worry, I’ll, I’ll figure out some way to settle those bills.

(A few days later.)

Gracie:  Well, George, everything is fine and the Christmas bills are paid.

George: Really? What did you do?

Gracie:  I used my head, you said the bank could put you in jail if you overdraw your account.

George: That’s right.

Gracie:  So I wrote the cheques myself.

George: What?

Gracie:  Well, they can’t put me in jail —— I haven’t got an account there.

George: Oh no! Gracie, it’s even worse to write cheques when you have no account at all. Now they’ll put you in jail.

Gracie:  You mean I’m a 14)juvenile 8 15)delinquent 9.

George: You’ll be worse, unless you get those cheques back.

Gracie:  But the cheques are in the mail.

George: Well then you’re just out of luck.

Gracie:  Oh, look here comes the postman, he can save me, he can get those cheques out of the mail.

Postman: Good afternoon Mrs. Burns, here’s your mail.

Gracie:  Oh. Mr. Postman, I am in terrible trouble, and you’re the one who can help me.

Postman: Aw, I love to help damsels in distress 10. Just as 16)Sir Galahad rescued Guinevere from the dragon, I will rescue you. Is your husband a dragon?

Gracie:  A little, but he’s tired.

Postman: Uh yes, how can I help you Mrs. Burns?

Gracie:  Well by mistake I put some bad cheques in the mail and I want you to get them for me.

Postman: Oh, I dare not 17)tamper 11 with the mail.

Gracie:  But Mr. Postman, if I don’t get those cheques back I’ll go to jail. What if your wife were in a spot like this, you wouldn’t let her go to jail?

Postman: You say such humorous things, Mrs. Burns!

Gracie:  Oh, please can’t you think of someway I can get those cheques?

Postman: Your only chance is to stop them when they come through the bank.

Gracie:  Oh, well, do you know of anyone who works at the bank?

Postman: Not now, my wife Bertha worked at the 18)escrow department when I married her. Now I guess they just call it the “Es” department.

Gracie:  Why?

Postman: I took away the 19)crow.

Gracie:  Mr. Postman, that gives me an idea. I’ll go down and get a job at the bank myself and then I can grab those cheques when they come through.

Postman: Well, good luck Mrs. Burns and remember keep smiling.

(To be continued )

注释：

1)     break up 结束

2) bushel [5buFl] n. 蒲式耳（计量谷物等的容量单位，在美国等于36.368升）

3) nut [nQt] n. 坚果。这里是双关语，nuts to her的意思是“管它呢”。

4) 这又是一句双关语，you can say that again的意思是“你说对了”，而妻子则理解成“你再说一遍”。

5) chromium [5krEumjEm] n. 铬

6) G.I. a. 美国军事补给部门发的，美国政府发给军人的

7) antique [An5ti:k] a. 古董

8) appendicitis [E7pendi5saitis] n. 阑尾炎

9) ticklish [5tikliF] a. 怕痒的；难对付的

10) make up 编造，虚构

11) fountain [5fauntin] n. 喷泉

12) protest [prE5test] n. （票据等的）拒付证书

13) overdraw [5EuvE5drC:] v. 透支

14) juvenile [5dVu:vinail] n. 青少年

15) delinquent [di5liNkwEnt] n. 违法者

16) Sir Galahad 加拉哈德爵士是亚瑟王传奇中的人物，是骑士兰斯洛特和公主艾伦所生之子，被称为圣洁骑士。吉尼维尔是亚瑟王的妻子，曾和兰斯洛特相爱。

17) tamper [5tAmpE] v. 瞎搞

18) escrow [es5krEu] n. 由第三者保存、待条件完成后即交受让人的契据（或证书等）

19) crow [krEu] n. 乌鸦

去年圣诞节的帐单

乔治：格蕾西，你给我解释一下这些圣诞节的帐单，这顶25美元的帽子你给谁了？

格蕾西：哦，我把它给了克拉拉·巴格利。我已经决定跟她一刀两断了。

乔治：可是……你干吗给她一顶那么贵的帽子？

格蕾西：哦，我有一顶一模一样的帽子，如果她看见我戴这顶帽子，她就不会再和我说话了。

乔治：要甩掉一个朋友还是有一些更便宜的办法吧？这儿还有一张帐单是用来付寄去圣弗朗西斯科的一蒲式耳干果的。你送这玩意儿给谁呀？

格蕾西：我妈，这还是你的主意哪，亲爱的。每次我说我们该送什么给妈妈，你就说“给她干果吧”。

乔治：我至少还给你妈妈一蒲式耳干果，她可曾给过我什么？

格蕾西：她把我给了你。我和那些干果一样好。

乔治：这你倒说对了。

格蕾西：还是不说了吧，我觉得听起来怪怪的。

乔治：你买这把塑胶座的铬椅又是给谁的？

格蕾西∶哦，给我哥哥威利，他正用军人贷款给自己盖房子，他爱古董家具都要发疯了。

乔治：塑料和铬不是古董。

格蕾西：当房子盖好的时候就会是了。

乔治∶那么项链呢，给谁的？

格蕾西∶我姐姐贝茜。她得用这个来遮挡她阑尾炎手术留下来的伤疤。

乔治∶噢，在她脖子上？阑尾炎手术后的伤疤是在腹部。

格蕾西∶我知道，可是贝茜很不听话，所以医生们……

乔治：所以医生们就给她的屁股开了一刀，我明白。你在胡说。

格蕾西：我只是想逗你开心。

乔治∶我一点都不开心。你的那些亲戚，他们……他们花了我一大笔钱。这里有一张一对耳环的帐单。

格蕾西：不要朝着它们大喊大叫，乔治。那是我给你的一个亲戚买的。

乔治：谁？

格蕾西：你的妻子。

乔治∶我早就应该猜到了。你想，你想要我怎样处置这些帐单？

格蕾西∶写支票吧。这个，这是你专用来写支票的自来水笔。

乔治∶专用来写支票的自来水笔？

格蕾西：是的，即使你不愿意它也能写出来。

乔治∶亲爱的，你听好了，我不能付这些帐单。

格蕾西：为什么不行？

乔治∶因为银行里的钱不够。

格蕾西：哦，别傻了，银行的橱窗上就写着：超过1200万美元。

乔治∶我是说我的户头上的钱不够，如果超支，就会被送进监狱。

格蕾西：哦，亲爱的，别着急，我会，我会想办法来搞定这些帐单的。

（几天后。）

格蕾西∶乔治，一切顺利，圣诞节的帐单已经付清了。

乔治：真的？你怎么做的？

格蕾西∶我动脑子呗，你说如果你户头超支就会进监狱。

乔治：没错。

格蕾西：所以我自己写了支票。

乔治：什么？

格蕾西∶他们不能抓我去监狱，因为我没有开户。

乔治：哦，不。格蕾西，你没有开户就写支票，这更糟糕。他们会把你抓进监狱的。

格蕾西∶你的意思是我成了个少年犯？

乔治∶比这更严重，除非你把那些支票追回来。

格蕾西∶但那些支票已经寄出去了。

乔治∶这么说你就只好等着倒霉了。

格蕾西∶哦，看，邮差先生来了，他能救我，他能把那些支票从信里拿出来。

邮差∶下午好，伯恩斯太太，这里有你的信。

格蕾西∶哦，邮差先生，我有大麻烦了，只有你才能帮我。

邮差∶哦，我最喜欢帮助困境中的女子了。就像加拉哈德爵士从恶龙那儿救出吉尼维尔一样。我会救你的。你的丈夫是恶龙吗？

格蕾西∶一点点像吧，但他现在累了。

邮差∶哦，是吗。我怎样才能帮你呢，伯恩斯太太？

格蕾西∶我错把一些空头支票寄出去了，我想你帮我把它们找还给我。

邮差∶哦，我可不敢瞎摆弄这些信件。

格蕾西∶可是，邮差先生，如果我拿不到那些支票我就得进监狱。如果你妻子处于这种境地，你一定不会让她进监狱的是吧？

邮差∶你说话可真好笑，伯恩斯太太。

格蕾西∶请帮帮忙，想个办法让我拿到那些支票好吗？

邮差：你唯一的机会就是在它们到达银行前截到它们。

格蕾西∶哦，你认识什么人在银行上班吗？

邮差∶目前没有，我太太贝莎在我们结婚时在契约部工作。现在他们管那个部门叫“契部”。

格蕾西：为什么？

邮差：因为我带走了乌鸦。

格蕾西∶邮差先生，这倒使我想到了一个主意。我可以下去在银行找份工作，然后当那些支票到达的时候我就可以找到它们了。

邮差：祝你好运，伯恩斯太太，记住要保持微笑。

（未完待续）