Jacky’s Funny Self-Portrait

Jacky’s Funny Self-Portrait

Hello, my name’s Jacky Earl and I’m a bank clerk but I’ve recently been made 1)redundant 1, I’ve got no pension, earn nothing and I thought I’d make my life really easy by doing 2)stand up. I’ve worn black in case I die. I warn you early on though don’t mess with me ‘cause I’m 3)menopausal. Now you notice when I talk my top lip never moves, it’s not because I’ve overdone 2 the 4)Botox, it’s because I’m from 5)Croydon. A lot of people 6)slag 3 Croydon off but I couldn’t live anywhere else, ‘cause that’s where my house is. I’m actually nervous I’ve never done this before and I’m shaking. The good thing is you lot don’t know if I’m nervous or just a hopeless alcoholic 4, do you?

My first husband was 30 years older than me, he was my boss. I only went in for the job and I come out with a 10 pound baby. Yes, I have a little boy, my little Dave. Don’t they grow up fast these days? He wants to do this, he wants to do that, he says I’m over-protective, I said shut up and eat your 7)rusks! He’s 21. Before his 21st I bought him a car, I know, I spoil him but what the hell. Anyway it’s a very special car and when he’s eaten all the sweets he can use it as a moneybox. And here’s a hint for the girls, if you want to look younger, stand by something a lot older than you, like a pyramid or 8)Lesley Joseph. I don’t mean to be 9)bitchy, I just am.

Yeah my mate went to one of them 10)spas, I said oh yeah what did you get, seaweed 11)wrap, deep heat 12)massage 5, 13)manicure, 14)pedicure, facial? No, no she said a tin of 15)spam and a 16)trifle. I like shopping, I go out in my Fiat 6 Spincento, go and park it just stop. I only bought it ‘cause the 17)bloke in the shop said it had air conditioning, I’ve been driving it for six months and I still got 18)dandruff. Cars are weird 7, aren’t they, they’ve always got a rear view mirror, what’s that about? It doesn’t matter where you sit you can’t see your 19)bum 8 in it, it’s physically 9 impossible. My little baby boy he’s got a big head and he’s20)ginger 10, that is not funny. Anyway, stiches, I know all about stiches when I had him they were stiching me up for three quarters of an hour but I loved being pregnant, so I’ve tried to maintain the shape. 

That is actually me finished folks thankfully, thank you for being kind. If you liked me, I’mJacky Earl; if you didn’t, I’m 21)Jenny Eclair. Thank you. 

注释：
1) redundant [ri5dQndEnt] a. 多余的
2) stand up 是类似于单口相声的一种表演形式，通常在酒吧等娱乐场所进行，因为表演者演出时要站着而得名，也称stand up comedy
3) menopausal [7menEU5pC:zEl] a. [生理]更年期的
4) Botox（A型肉毒杆菌毒素Botulinum Toxin 11 Type A），保妥适，一种用来消除脸部皱纹的注射剂，过量注射可能导致肌肉僵硬，影响正常的面部表情
5) Croydon克罗伊登，英国的一个小镇
6) slag off （英国俚语）指不公正地侮慢或评断某人（物）
7) rusk [rQsk] n. 甜面包干
8) Lesley Joseph 莱斯利·约瑟夫，英国当代戏剧演员。在最近（2004年1月）的童话剧《白雪公主》中，她饰演邪恶的皇后
9) bitchy [5bitFi] a. （俚语）泼妇的；有恶意的
10) spa [spB:] n. 矿泉，温泉区
11) wrap [rAp] n. 包，裹
12) massage [5mAsB:V] n. 按摩
13) manicure [5mAnikjuE] n. 修指甲
14) pedicure [5pedikjuE] n. 足疗
15) spam [spAm] n. 斯帕姆午餐肉
16) trifle [5traifl] n. （英国烹调）一种牛奶蛋糊甜食
17) bloke [blEuk] n. （英国俚语）小子，家伙
18) dandruff [5dAndrQf] n. 头皮屑
19) bum [bQm] n. （主英国英语）屁股，臀部
20) ginger [5dVindVE] n. 姜黄色，黄褐色
21) Jenny Éclair 是英国著名的喜剧演员，Jacky Earl即是在她的指导下完成这次表演的

怪怪女子自画像

    嗨，我叫杰基·厄尔，一个银行职员。不过最近我被公司裁员了，没有遣散费，赚不到一个子儿。说说单口相声，我想我的生活才真正有些盼头。我穿一身黑，万一死了好有准备。我提前警告你们，别惹我，我到更年期了。现在你们注意到，我说话的时候上嘴唇从来不动。这不是因为我用保妥适过量了，而是因为我来自克罗伊登。好多人对克罗伊登横挑鼻子竖挑眼，不过其它任何地方我都呆不下去，因为我的房子在那里。其实我挺紧张以前我从没说过这个，我一直在发抖。好在你们多数闹不清我是在紧张呢，还是我根本就是一个无可救药的酒鬼，对吧？
    我第一个丈夫比我大30岁，他是我老板。我只不过冲着工作进去的，结果出来的时候带了个10磅重的小宝宝。是的，我有了个小男孩，我的小戴夫。这年月小孩子不是长得特快吗？他想做这，他想做那，他说我管得太死了，我说闭嘴嚼你的甜面包干去！他21岁了。在他21岁生日之前，我给他买了辆车。我宠坏了他，不过管他呢。不管怎样，那是一辆很特别的小汽车，他吃完所有糖果的时候，还可以把车子当钱箱子用。这里有一个对女孩子们的忠告，如果你想看起来年轻些，站到那些比你年岁大很多的东西旁边去，比如金字塔，或者莱斯利·约瑟夫之类的。我不是想装成这么坏，我本来就这么坏。
    我的好朋友去了一个温泉疗养地，我说哦那么你有些什么收获？海藻泥热敷、深度热量按摩、修指甲、足疗、做脸部护理？不不，她说就一个午餐肉罐头和一个牛奶蛋糊。我喜欢购物，开着我的菲亚特出去，一进车位便停好了。我买那辆车只不过因为车行那臭小子说它有空调; 我开了半年，还是有头皮屑。小汽车都挺古怪是不，它们都有后视镜，那起什么作用？无论你坐在哪儿都看不到自己的屁股，这是全然不可能的。我的小宝贝儿子有个大脑袋，黄褐色头发。那没什么好笑。无论如何，缝合线，我知道所有那些缝合线，在我生他的时候，他们花了45分钟来缝合我的伤口。但我喜欢怀孕，所以我努力保持那身材。
    这就是真正的我，满怀感激地结束这表演了，谢谢你们这么友善。如果你们喜欢我，我就是杰基·厄尔;不喜欢的话那我就是珍妮·埃克莱尔。谢谢大家。