成长的烦恼第七季:The Five Fingers of Ben

Public Announcement: Attention people; those interested in testifying at Nurse Downer's parole hearing should report to the office. Have a nice day.
Luke: All right, there she is. The time to strike is now.
Ben: Nothing weird 1 hanging out of my nose?
Luke: Just the usual.
Ben: What? That's it! I'm not going!
Luke: Just get over there and talk to her.
Ben: Hi, Becka.
Becka: Hi, Ben.
Ben: Listen…
Razor: Hey! Four eyes! Did I say that you could talk to Becka?
Ben: Actually, my name's Ben.
Razor: Shut up! You know, I don't like your attitude. I don't like the way you talk. I don't even like the way you breath.
Ben: Less nasal? More nasal? A little more through the mouth?
Razor: In fact, the only thing I do like about you is your cap.
Ben: Thanks, I just got it.
Razor: Give it to me.
Ben: What?
Razor: Take it off your head, and put it in my hand by the time I count to three. One! Two...Chicken. Why don't you cluck?
Ben: Look, Razor, I know you're a tough guy, but there are certain things I will not do. Uh, so what are we talking here? Like, Rhode Island red, which is kind of a…(clucking)? Like a Jersey 2 giant, which is kind of ….(clucking)?
Maggie: Chrissy, I told you to get in the bath.
Chrissy: I don't want to.
Jason: (clearing throat)
Chrissy: Okay, daddy! Whatever you say!
Maggie: Wait a minute. She ignores me totally, and you just clear your throat? What is this, some kind of psychological minimalist type of thing?
Jason: No, no. Just kind of a, you know, choking on a Chik-let kind of thing.
Ben: That's it! I've made my decision, and you're not talking me out of it. I want a gun.
Jason: (gasping) Forget it!
Ben: Okay, you talked me out of it. Here's plan B; I want to take karate 3 lessons.
Jason: Karate?
Maggie: Why?
Ben: You guys remember my brand-new $27 cap? Well, this punk at school named Razor made me give it to him in front of Becka and everybody.
Jason: Come on, Ben, you've had to deal with bullies 4 before…$27 cap?
Ben: This kid is dangerous. He is certified 5 USDA mean.
Jason: Well, I think you should report this to the vice-principal.
Ben: Yeah? A kid tried that last year. Now he's living in Nevada under an assumed name.
Jason: There's gotta be a better way to handle this, Ben. Why don't you just go…?
Ben: What's so about karate? I mean, it's philosophical 6, it's graceful 7, and it teaches you how to put your foot through somebody's brain.
Maggie: Oh! Ben, if that's why you want to learn karate, you can forget it.
Ben: Fine! Then let me go look in my closet to see if I have anything else in Razor's size.
Jason: Ben! Wait a minute, Ben. Maggie, maybe it's not such a bad idea to let him take a few karate lessons.
Maggie: No way.
Jason: Well, you don't know what it's like. You've never had somebody bully 8 you around at school.
Maggie: Well, as a matter of fact, Didi Ribozo tried to keep me from using the girl's bathroom the entire junior year.
Jason: So what did you do?
Maggie: I gave up liquids during school hours.
Jason: See, you gave in. That's not the way you want Ben to solve this.
Maggie: Well, I know that, Jason. But I also don't want him putting his foot through someone's brain.
Jason: Well, right now, someone's brain is inside Ben's cap. I don't like violence any more than you do, but we're both gonna feel better if he knows how to protect himself.
Maggie: Yeah, but I just wish there was some way he could reason with this boy.
Jason: Maggie, it is my experience there are two kinds of people; those you reason with, and those named Razor.
Dwight: Mike, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me sell my car.
Mike: Oh, how could I not help? And Dwight, you could be the man that marries Carol, and takes her far, far away. I'm just thanking you in advance.
Car buyer1: Excuse me. I'm her about the car.
Mike: Oh, yes! I'm telling you, they broke the mold when they made this baby.
Dwight: Oh, I sure hope so. It's got a faulty heater hose, the fan belt's worn out, it doesn't start in the rain, the starter kinda goes ruhn-ruhn, and when you turn the radio on the lights go off.
Car buyer1: Good luck!
Mike: Dwight! What are you doing?
Dwight: Telling the truth.
Mike: To sell a used car?
Dwight: Mike, you aren't suggesting that I lie, are you?
Mike: No! I'm ordering you to lie.
Dwight: Mike, I've only lied once in my whole life. I told my mother that I'd washed my hands before dinner when I hadn't. The words were barely out of my mouth, when a very large piece of Skylab came crashing down through our roof. It was an omen 9, Mike.
Mike: Okay, Chicken Little. Well, then we won't call it lying. We'll just call it accentuating 10 the positive. You know, try to think of the good things you can say about the car with a clear conscience.
Dwight: If you get hit from behind, there's a pretty good chance it won't explode.
Mike: Great! You see, that's not so hard, is it?
Dwight: No.
Mike: Okay.
Dwight: But I will not lie.
Mike: Dwight, I'm with you 110 percent. Okay, let's talk about it while we roll back the odometer.
Maggie: Okay, Ben, we have to go in back to get your uniform.
Ben: Oh, I'll be right there.
[Dream sequence: The Five Fingers of Ben]
Villian leader: Hey, there, you! Blond boy! People say you are looking around to find me.
Ben: Correct! I hate you with great hatred 11.
[gang noises]
Villian leader: While you are looking for us, we have decimated your little town.
Villian: (laughing) And pistol-whipped your goldfish.
Ben: Prepare for a very painful death.
Villian leader: Silence! I am tired of this snappy patter. Let us fight and make snappy patter.
[fighters yelling]
Ben: You fight like my aunt Bertha.
Ben: It's a pity there are only five of you. I was hoping to break a sweat. Swamp-dwelling insects.
Villian leader: Destroy him.
[fighting sounds]
Ben: (laughing)
Villian leader: Blond boy! You are not bad, but you must fight with greater dexterity 12, if you want to challenge me.
[fighting sounds]
Villian leader: And now, I shall laugh in your face. (laughing)
Ben: Nobody laughs in my face. It is I who shall laugh in yours. (laughing) And now, prepare yourself to taste my fist.
Ben: Ai-yah!
Maggie: Ben, are you okay?
Ben: Oh, yeah!
Sim: Faster! Again! One, two, three, four!
Maggie: Uh, uh, excuse me, excuse me, uh, Master Sim, Master Sim…
Sim: Tell me, Ben. Have you ever seen a fight between cobra and mongoose?
Ben: Uh, just Mike and my dad when the rent's due.
Sim: Same principal; attack, counter-attack. Get ready! We're gonna go faster now. Go! One, two, three…
Maggie: No! No! Master Sim, please! You might hurt him.
Ben: Aw, mom.
Sim: Ben, take a break.
Maggie: I'm sorry, Master Sim, but this is all much too violent.
Sim: Karate is not about violence, Mrs. Seaver. Karate is about control. Control of yourself first, and then control of someone who may be trying to hurt you.
Ben: Look, mom, no one's getting hurt. Come on, I'll show you.
Maggie: No, the only hand-to-hand combat I do is at the Macy's white sale.
Ben: No, mom. I'll just be showing you how I'm learning to defend myself. Is that all right Master Sim?
Sim: Yes, but remember your mother has had no lessons, so block her blows, but don't counter-punch.
Ben: Okay, mom. Just try and punch me.
Maggie: Ah! Oh!
Ben: Mom, a punch, not a slap. Come on.
Sim: Good footwork, Ben.
Ben: Okay, mom. Now really let me have it this time.
Maggie: Okay, Ben. If you're sure.
Ben: Ai-yah!
Maggie: (hitting Ben) Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, Ben! Are you all right, sweetheart? Oh! Oh, honey!
Mike: Hey, you know, Ben, I've been thinking about your problem. And I really think that if you keep up this karate, and you study real hard for the next three years, you could take mom. After that, who knows; grandma, Carol, probably most of the girls at school.
Ben: My mother clocks me. My brother makes fun of me. How much worse can this get?
[Dream sequence: Enter The Wimp]
Maggie: Hey, you, little blond boy. I see you are depressed 13 and humiliated 14.
Ben: Oh, please, mom. Don't make fun of me.
Maggie: Don't be silly, little blond boy. I would never do such a thing. Unless I had help of course, from family and friends.
Jason: You are so very weak. I have replaced your CD's with….Perry Como records.
Mike: And painted your guitar.
Luke: And stolen your girlfriends.
Jason: And put new sheets on your bed decorated with tiny hearts and flowers.
Ben: Come on, you guys.
Entire family: (karate sounds)
Maggie: I grow weary of these attacks. Let his friends at school attack him.
Ben: No, please, mom, don't make me go to school.
Maggie: Have no fear, little blond boy. We shall send you to school with a fearsome bodyguard 15.
Chrissy: Ai-yah! I will protect you, little blond boy. And then I shall laugh in your face. (laughing)
Maggie: Hey, Ben. You didn't finish your breakfast.
Ben: Mom, I made my decision. I'm quitting karate.
Maggie: You want to quit?
Ben: Yeah. I'd quit school but it's illegal. I'd quit the family but I'd starve. Look, you mind if I stay home from school today? I'm not feeling so good.
Maggie: I guess it's all right.
Ben: Thanks.
Car buyer2: Well, it certainly looks fine. I'll take it!
Dwight: Oh, there are a couple of problems that you should probably….
Mike: Uh, say, Dwight, uh. Do you happen to have the same craving 16 for some port wine cheese balls as I do?
Dwight: Why, yes I do. I thought it was just me.
Mike: Boy, I say, why don't you go whip us up some, and I'll, uh, close the deal.
Dwight: Sure.
Car buyer2: What are these problems he's talking about?
Mike: Oh, oh, nothing ma'am. That's just Dwight. He, he happens to think that we're not charging enough. But since when is selling a car about making money? It's about people helping 17 people, right?
Car buyer2: (sighing) Isn't that sweet! (gasping) Say, what's that black puddle 18 under there?
Mike: Oh, uh, th-that's perfectly 19 normal. Uh, it's, well, just the same way that your body sweats, uh, a car releases moisture. It's, uh, a sign of health.
Car buyer2: Well, my friends say I should have it checked by a mechanic, but you have such an honest face. Shall I make the check out to you?
Mike: Yes. No! Uh, yes. No, no! Ma'am, it's a rolling death trap. Quick! Get out of here before I sell it to you again.
Dwight: Well, well, well. You told the truth.
Mike: Well, I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.
Dwight: Cheese ball?
Mike: Dufus! Oh, sorry.
Dwight: Well, Mike, I guess you're right. We'll never sell the car by telling the truth.
Mike: Oh, yeah? Well, I got an idea. Dwight, you pop the hood 20. I'm gonna get my tools. You and I are gonna fix this car.
Mike: Dwight, that's the trunk.
Dwight: Oh, my God! Where have I been putting the oil?
Jason: Okay. All right. We'll deal with Ben your way.
Maggie: Trust me, Jason, it'll work.
Jason: Last time you said that we had to get married.
Maggie: Oh! He's coming.
Jason: Hey, Ben. Your mom says you want to give up karate lessons.
Ben: Look, dad. I tried; I failed; my life is ruined.
Jason: C'mon, that eye's gonna be fine. But there's no reason why you can't go right back to karate class.
Maggie: Jason, what are you talking about? The next person he fights might not love him like I do.
Jason: Well, I don't want our son to give up just because he got hurt, Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, he wasn't just hurt. He was taken out, flattened 21, destroyed! By his mommy! I'm sorry, pookie, does it still hurt?
Ben: No! I've made peace with being a four-eyed geek, whose butt 22 was kicked by his mother.
Jason: Ben, I don't want you to quit, and I'm gonna tell you why.
Ben: Oh, please, dad. No pep talks.
Jason: Oh, come on. I mean, you've been down before, Ben, and every time you've been down before, you've reached down deeper for some of that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit, right?
Ben: And I thought you were gonna give me a pep talk.
Jason: And what about the cap thing?
Maggie: Oh, it's very simple. From now on, we dress him in plain, generic 23 clothes that no other kid would be caught dead in.
Ben: Wait a minute….
Maggie: Jason, let him quit.
Jason: Oh, we still gotta eat the cost of those karate lessons.
Maggie: Well, Chrissy can take them.
Jason: Ah.
Maggie: Honey, we should just face it. It's obvious that Ben doesn't have the talent, the drive, or the ability.
Jason: God knows, he's a klutz.
Ben: Okay, okay. I'm starting to feel that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit. Mom, dad, I'm going back to karate. And you know, you guys used to be much better at this "good cop, bad cop" thing.
Maggie: So, would you glad trust me?
Jason: Both times.
Sim: Let's go! Huh!
Sim: Recall your kicks.
Maggie: That's great! Great!
Car Buyer3: She's kinda old. How's she holding up?
Mike: Just like brand new, because I have, and may a satellite strike me if I'm lying, not only tuned 24 it up, but I have changed the brakes, I've checked the alignment 25, fixed 26 the fuel pump, I have replaced all the hoses, and preset all the radio stations.
Car buyer3: Sounds great! Will you accept a personal check?
Dwight: No!
Car buyer3: Even with two forms of ID?
Dwight: No!
Car buyer3: All right, I'll offer you cash.
Dwight: No! We're not selling.
Mike: Dwight! We're not what?
Dwight: Mike, I only wanted to sell it cause it went (car noises), and now that's gone! It's going vroom-vroom! And my heart's going thawagada-thawagada-thawagada.
Mike: Dwight, will you join me for a minute in this time zone?
Dwight: Mike, thanks to you I love my car again. And we're not selling!
Mike: Dwight! You cheese-eating, tangle-haired, medieval moron 27! I put over $500 of labor 28 into this hunk of junk!
Dwight: Thank you.
Luke: Woo! Hey, Ben! Looking fresh.
Ben: Thanks.
Ben: Well, it's Becka. Finally I'm ready to talk to her.
Luke: If Becka's around, so is Razor.
Ben: Don't worry about it. I know what to do.
Ben: Hi, Becka.
Becka: Hi, Ben.
Razor: Hi, geek.
Ben: The name's Ben.
Razor: Oh, that's right. You had it written inside my new hat.
Ben: Look, I don't want any trouble.
Razor: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what I want? I want that nice, new jacket you've got on.
Ben: Okay, he's facing me three-quarters to the left. That leaves him wide open for a fake jab, step in, back-kick to the ribs 29, and I can finish him off with a palm thrust to the nose.
Razor: What are you staring at, geek? Am I gonna have to bust 30 you one? I said give it to me now.
Luke: Somebody get the nurse, quick, this guys hurt.
Razor: What are you staring at, geek? Am I gonna have to bust you one? I said give it to me now.
Luke: No. I'm not giving you this jacket, or anything else ever again.
Razor: Whoa! Big man, huh? Big words. All right, geek, c'mon, let's throw. Show me what you've got, tough guy, huh! C'mon, let's go for it right here, right now! Go for it!
Luke: He's wide open. The dude will never see it coming. Control. Don't touch him unless you have to.
Razor: C'mon, geek, let's go for it. Huh! Huh! (clucking)
Ben: I'm not gonna fight you.
Razor: Did you hear that? He said he's not gonna fight me, huh. What am I supposed to do, huh? Stand on his feet, and use him like a punching bag? (laughing) Look at the dude, he's frozen. Come on, babe, let's get out of here.
Luke: Hey, man, you were amazing.
Ben: Thanks. I came real close to getting ugly.
Luke: Well, speaking of ugly, you can forget about Becka. She's not worth it.
Gail: Excuse, me. Ben?
Ben: Yeah?
Gail: I really like the way you handled that creep.
Ben: Thanks.
Gail: Save you a seat at lunch?
Ben: Sure. I'm always hungry.