成长的烦恼第七季:Stop, Luke, and Listen

Jason: Freeze!!!
Maggie: Jason, what are you doing?
Jason: Me!?? Maggie what are you doing up!? It's 5:30 in the morning, I thought I heard a burglar.
Maggie: So you grabbed a coat rack??? What were you going to do? Take his rack?
Jason: If it came to that. Is that my famous grandma's dill bread?
Maggie: Yes, it's for dinner tonight, it has to rise for 14 hours you know.
Jason: I know this dinner is a big deal Maggie. But who in the right mind gets up at 5:30?
Mike: Good morning everybody! Hey this works in here.
Jason: Mike what are you doing up?
Mike: Well, I'm not teaching class today.
Jason: It's 5:30
Mike: It is?
Maggie: And your chipper.
Mike: I am?
Maggie: You were whistling
Mike: I was? Aww man I got to sit down, this is all Luke's fault.
Maggie: Who's Luke?
Mike He's one of my students, that little weasel. I mean it was bad enough when it was just him, now he's got everybody doing it.
Maggie: Talking back, cutting up.
Mike: No! Getting A's
Jason: Ungrateful little maggot.
Mike: No no, Dad I'm serious the number of A students in my class have doubled.
Maggie: Doubled!!??
Mike: Yeah, now I got 2
Maggie: Mike, that's great!
Mike: No it's not mom, look at me, I mean I use to be able to sleep in until noon, on a good day till three. Now I'm getting up when I use to go to bed. And I'm whistling.
Maggie: Hey Mike, about the dinner with Kate...
Mike: Oh Oh, yeah mom listen thanks for going through so much trouble, you know how special Kate is to me.
Maggie: I know, I'll expect you at 6:30?
Mike: Right! Wait, wait a minute, that's tonight!? What was I thinking scheduling it on a school night? Oh no what's happening to me!??

Jason: So mike has invited Kate here for dinner for the first time and you are preparing what? Let us see…The…OH!! The ten pound rib 1 roast, the black peppercorn dinner's sauce, the caesar salad, and my grandmother's 14 hour dill bread. You don't like Kate do you?
Maggie: Why would you say a thing like that?
Jason: Because that's exactly the meal my mother use to make for you.
Maggie: Your mother never had anything to fear from me. I wasn't a glamorous 2 fashion model slash 3 actress that was about to lead you into a jet set world you couldn't possibly be ready for.
Jason: Jet set world!? Maggie, so far Kate's biggest modeling assignment has been the cover of a seed catalogue.
Maggie: Well if you ask me, she looked a little to comfortable holding that pitch fork.
Jason: It could end up as our daughter in law, I just want to make sure you two get this relationship off on the right foot.
Maggie: Jason, I got up at 4 stinking 4 30 in the morning and I'm cooking this stinking feast, if that doesn't say lovin from the oven, then I don't know what does.
Carol: Good morning!
Maggie: Good Morning!
Jason: Carol, what are you doing home again? You're supposed to be living at the dorm.
Carol: I had another fight with my roommate Bran.
Jason: About what?
Carol: About whether she unlocked the door and let me in. Hey what's with great grandma's dill bread?
Maggie: Kate's coming to dinner.
Carol: I thought you liked her?
Ben: Who's coming to dinner?
Carol: Kate.
Ben: Oh great! Do you think she will autography my seed catalogue?
Jason: Ben, Kate happens to be your brother's girlfriend.
Ben: I know that, but she's also a model and what kind of friends do models have? Babes. Maybe she'll introduce me to two friends and then they'll introduce me to two friends and so on and so on and so on.

Mike: Mr. Tedesco you didn't have to walk me to the store room, you could've just given me the keys.
Mr. Tedesco: Nonsense, only I understand the key coding system.
Mike: Blue key, blue lock right?
Mr. Tedesco: Don't breathe a word of this to anyone.
Mike: Uh, listen before you go, can you tell me where the bulletin boards are?
Mr. Tedesco: I have no idea, I haven't been in there since I shaved off my Fumanchu. Perhaps I shouldn't have shared that with you. Be sure to lock up when you leave. There's a stray cat roaming around the building , I will not rest until I catch it.
Mike: Did you try here kitty kitty?
Mr. Tedesco: Just because I opened up with you, it doesn't mean were friends.

Mike: Before we begin, I'd just like to point out that we have a new bulletin board with two "A" papers on it. Luke Brower, who is apparently 5 too busy to be with us this morning and Jose Nunez.
Jose: If only ma were paroled to see this.
Mike: Ah... Mr. Brower.
Luke: Sorry I'm late Mr. Seaver.
Mike: That's the third time in a row Luke, maybe I should call 555-Deli and leave a wake up call?
Luke: Don't worry I only sleep in class.
Mike: Alright alright. Now, these are emergency notification cards, the office needs to know who to call incase of an accident.
Jose: How about Tyra Phillips, hey if I am going to get mouth to mouth, I want to enjoy it.
Mike: Alright alright. Just fill them out and pass them back. Ok people, this week I was asked to do some remedial work in French, so I did it and now I am going to teach it to you. Now let's think of a phrase we would like to translate into French.
Luke: Mr. Seaver, there is a beautiful woman at the door.
Mike: Good, perfect, now Seaver is the same in both languages, so we'll start with Mr. Seaver.
Luke: No no no, there really is a beautiful woman at the door.
Class: WOO!!!
Mike: OK! OK! Just parlez vous among yourselves. Hey Kate I'm in the middle of a class.
Kate: I know. I wouldn't bother you unless it was very urgent.
Mike: Ok! Ok! What is it?
Kate: Which one of these should I wear to your house for dinner tonight?
Mike: You're interrupting my class to talk to me about a dumb dress!!?
Kate: This isn't dumb. I want your family to like me especially your mother.
Mike: My mother does like you.
Kate: She can't. She's a college graduate, a successful career woman and a mother. To her I'm just a girl that dropped out of junior college to be a model slash actress.
Mike: Oh! Model slash Actress!!?? Kate! I couldn't even imagine those words coming out of my mother's mouth. I mean come on, stop worrying everything's going to be fine, I'm going to be there to make sure everything is ok.
Kate: Ok, just tell me which one.
Mike: Ok.
Kate: This one!?
Mike: Uh huh…
Kate: Or this one!?
Mike: This one.
Mike: Uhh, Mr. Tedesco, you sent for me? Listen can we make this kind of quick because I've got a big family dinner to go to tonight.
Mr. Tedesco: Seaver our entire system is on the verge 6 of collapse 7.
Mike: What happened?
Mr. Tedesco: There is an emergency notification card missing from this stack.
Mike: Oh no! Should we use the code of silence?
Mr. Tedesco: The wolf of anarchy 8 is at our door and you're feeding him kibble. There are 15 names on the roster 9 and 14 cards. Brower, Luke is cardless.
Mike: I got a crazy idea, what do you say I have him fill one out tomorrow?
Mr. Tedesco: Impossible, directive nine, four, three dash six clearly states any distributee in the educational matrix.
Mike: Mr. Tedesco can we just cut to the chase?
Mr. Tedesco: I get his card by five or he's out on his undocumented keister.
Mike: He's one of my best students, I need his keister right where it is.
Mr. Tedesco: You needn't be crude. I'm sorry directive nine, four, three dash six clearly states.
Mike: I know, just relax, I got an idea. Ok, what was that number five five five, deli.
Mr. Tedesco: Mr. Seaver only I am authorized 10 to use that phone.
Mike: Hello, So ho Pete's? This is Francis X. Tedesco and I need to speak with one of your employees Luke Brower. I think he's a waiter, well maybe a bus boy. You sure? Ok thank you. That's funny they never heard of him.
Mr. Tedesco: Neither have we, I just tried to pull his file, there isn't one.
Mike: His file is missing?
Mr. Tedesco: No, Luke Brower does not exist.
Mike: Well of course he does, he's in my class. He's one of my best students. I have an "A" paper of his on my bulletin board. Uhhh, Mr. Tedesco can I borrow your keys?
Mr. Tedesco: Seaver you're delirious 11.
Mike: Uhh. Hey look!! There's that cat you're after!!
Mr. Tedesco: Where!!??
Mike: There!! I'll seal off the hallway you call for backup!
Mr. Tedesco: Animal regulation? This is Francis X. Tedesco, we finally had a positive sighting on that cat I've been complaining about. Grab your cat nip, man your nets, the hunts afoot. That means get your raggedy keister down here right now.

Mike: Luke!
Luke: Umm, Mr. Seaver, I'm looking for a new French book. I've got an outdated 12 one. Let's see, here's the right book, now I can learn.
Mike: No no, never mind the book ,uh why don't you go ahead and explain this bed to me?
Luke: Aww!! Someone must be sleeping in here!!
Mike: I bet you can tell me who.
Luke: Ok I needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. I had a fight with my folks.
Mike: Well Josh, I know how that goes, I mean my folks…hey wait, a couple of nights!?? Luke look you got a lamp, you got books, you got cable!
Luke: I took advantage of the false subscription 13 special.
Mike: No no, Hey hey! Hey come on now, why don't you tell me what's going on here!?
Luke: I don't have to tell you anything!!
Mike: Sure you do! I'm your teacher.
Luke: Huh! You should see yourself teach French you don't know one word of it.
Mike: Oh Oh Yeah!?? Garage, Restaurant, ooh la la. Hey there's five. Wait a minute, why am I defending myself? You're good.
Luke: Thanks.
Mike: You don't have any place to live do you?
Luke: Sure I do.
Mike: Oh ok! Fine fine, then why don't you just go ahead and fill out your address here and this emergency notification card.
Luke: Oh I'm not planning on having any emergencies.
Mike: We might and we need to get a hold of you.
Luke: I hope this doesn't mean I get any junk mail.
Mike: Seven twenty eight, west forty eight?
Luke: That's my house.
Mike: Really? This address is in the middle of the river.
Luke: House-boat. You're good too.
Mike: Thank you. Luke I can't believe you're living here.
Luke: Well, I am.
Mike: Well I don't get it, what about your parents!??
Luke: I don't have any and I don't need them. I am doing fine right here.
Mike: Luke, there's got to be some place better than this!!??
Luke: Yeah Yeah, Like where?
Mike: Like Like, some sort of city outreach happy sort of place!!??
Luke: I've tried all the happy places, this is better.
Mike: No, this can't be Luke, I mean this is New York, this is the city filled with brotherly love.
Luke: That's Philadelphia.
Mike: Oh, but Luke in a city like this the windy city.
Luke: Chicago.
Mike: Well my point is that you are entitled to a decent place to live and I know just how to get you one. Follow me. The city of hope.
Luke: Hospital.
Luke: Aww No no no, Tedesco is just going to turn me over to the Bureau of Child Welfare.
Mike: No No No, sit you can listen and I promise that is the one place we will not call.

Mr. Tedesco: You animal regulation people do nothing but pussy 15 foot. That cat is prowling in this building with his jackal lantern eyes and his sand paper tongue. And I want him stopped!!!
Mike: Mr. Tedesco, I found him!
Mr. Tedesco: Hallelujah, where was he? Out in the hall?
Mike: No, in the store room.
Mr. Tedesco: Gnawing 16 on a dead mouse I presume?
Mike: No no, but he was hungry, I mean I'm sure he doesn't have a home.
Mr. Tedesco: Well, Boohoohoo! He can't stay here.
Mike: Listen, can you just watch what you say, he's right outside the hall.
Mr. Tedesco: Oh forgive me, I wouldn't want to injure his oh so tender feelings.
Mike: I think he is quite worried about what might happen to him.
Mr. Tedesco: Well let me put his little mind to rest. They'll send a truck for you, run you downtown and throw you in a cage.
Mike: That sounds kind of harsh don't you think? I was kind of hoping that maybe he could be adopted.
Mr. Tedesco: Well maybe if he was young and cute. His age they'll keep him for two weeks, if no one wants him they'll put him to sleep.
Mike: That's the sickest thin I've ever heard!
Mr. Tedesco: Nothing. In the old days, they'd club it with a blunt object and cut him up for guitar strings 17.
Mike: We are talking about a 15 year old boy here!!
Mr. Tedesco: Stay with me Seaver, we're talking about a cat!
Mike: We're talking about Luke Brower, he's been living in the storeroom!
Mr. Tedesco: And the cat is his!!??
Mike: Would you forget about the cat!!! We have a homeless boy living here!!!
Mr. Tedesco: What!!?? This is a school, we can't have kids here!!! I'll call the bureau of child welfare.
Mike: No no no, I promised him we would do something else.

Mr. Tedesco: There is nothing else.

Maggie: Where is Mike?
Jason: Where the devil is Mike!?
Kate: Where the heck is Mike!?
Chrissy: I'm hungry! Where's Mike!?
Ben: I wonder if Kate knows any teenage babes?
Jason: Ha ha Imagine that, Kate you and Maggie both having the same dress.
Maggie: Really, I hadn't noticed.
Jason: Well their probably different sizes though… Not that that matters... uh… Where the hell is Mike?
Maggie: Well I think we've waited long enough. Kate, we know ho much Mike thinks of you so we're glad for this opportunity to welcome you to a real Seaver family dinner.
Kate: Why thank you Mrs. Sea-Maggie---Seaver.
Maggie: May I offer you a slice of Jason's grandmother's famous blue ribbon dill bread?
Kate: Does this bread have yeast 18 in it?
Maggie: Yes, isn't it fluffy 19?
Kate: Oh I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't eat anything with yeast.
Jason: Well I do, so I will and then we'll pass it to….
Maggie: What's the matter are you allergic 20 to yeast?
Kate: No no, It's just that it can throw your whole system out of whack 21.
Ben: You know lately I've been thinking of giving up yeast. Would your beautiful friends give me some pointers?
Maggie: Here you go sweetheart..
Chrissy: I don't want to get whacky!
Maggie: Now Chrissy, your grandmother ate this bread everyday of her life for 95 years.
Chrissy: Why'd she stop?
Maggie: Well she died.
Chrissy: Pass.
Jason: Hey, there he is, there's Mike.
Maggie: Wonderful, I'll get the main course.
Everyone: Awwww!!
Chrissy: It's only Carol.
Carol: I got driven out of my dorm room. I don't like it any better than you guys do, deal with it. Oh, hi Kate.
Kate: Hi.
Carol: So where's Mike?
Kate: Umm he's late, very very late.
Carol: Well that's alright, we'll have a lovely time without him. I wonder if anyone will notice if I get up and leave right now.
Maggie: Well here it is, roast beef with all the fixings. Carol what are you doing here?
Carol: Mom, I'm your daughter, we love each other, will you people get off my back!!??
Maggie: They say the first slice is lucky.
Kate: Umm... Didn't mike mention my diet to you?
Maggie: Diet??
Jason: Now, why would an attractive young woman like yourself need to lose weight? I say come on, eat up.
Kate: No no no, it's not a weight loss diet. It's more of a way of life.
Maggie: You're a vegetarian 22??
Kate: No no, not exactly I just don't eat anything with a face. I'm sure the roast beef is wonderful but I just can't bear the idea that it use to be a cow.
Chrissy: A cow!!??
Maggie: Here you go sweetheart, you have always loved roast beef.
Chrissy: A cow!!???
Maggie: Kate, surely you can have some of the vegetables.
Kate: Oh, do you mind if I wash them off?
Maggie: I washed them off before I cooked them.
Kate: Yes, but they were cooked in the meat juice.
Maggie: I wasn't aware meat juice had a face.
Jason: Umm... Is there anything at all on the table that you can have?
Kate: Is this tap water?
Maggie: Yes.
Kate: Oh then….No.

Chrissy: So what do pork chops come from?
Carol: Well pigs.
Chrissy: And lamb chops are?
Ben: Beah!
Chrissy: Ah !!
Carol: You have absolutely no finesse 23, you butthead.
Kate: Well, thank you for going through the trouble and making the food and all.
Jason: Aww!
Kate: There was a time I would have really enjoyed it.
Maggie: Yes, well Mike should've told us your diet was weird 24. No no, not weird, face free.
Kate: Well you can't blame mike he's been so busy lately
Jason: Oh I'm sure he meant to tell us, it just slipped his mind.
Maggie: Yeah, cause normally he's the most responsible boy.
Jason, Maggie, Kate: I'm going to kill him!!
Kate: Oh good night.
Maggie: Yeah, good night Kate.
Jason: Good night Kate.
Kate: Oh gosh! That's a lovely variegated 25 philodendron.
Maggie: Would you like me to heat it up for you?
Jason: Well Kate for a city girl you know a lot about plants.
Kate: I'm from Utica, my whole family's farmers.
Jason: You hear that Maggie, farm people, salt to the ear.
Maggie: Low sodium 26, I'm sure.
Jason: Why don't we walk Kate to her car? Shall we?
Kate: This has been great, next time you come to my place and I will cook for you.
Maggie: Well, the leaves will be falling off the tree soon. I'll bring desert.
Chrissy: Was chocolate a life?
Carol: No, honey.
Ben: Little bunnies at Easter.
Chrissy: Ah!!!

Mike: So this is how you eat!!? You just put on that apron 27 and you steal food!!??
Luke: Yeah but I got to get a new apron cause the corn beef here is really fatty.
Mike: No more stealing, no more lies alright!!?? I can't let you live on a street like this!!
Luke: Oh you can't let me!!?? Well this morning I wasn't on the street. I had a place to sleep and a place to eat and a promising 28 academic career. Now thanks to you I'm a homeless hungry dropout 29. Who are you? Charles Keeting!
Mike: It's just I want a better life for you than the one you've been living.
Luke: Is that right? Well you got any suggestions?
Mike: Alright, come on in.
Luke: Are you sure this is ok?
Mike: Yeah yeah, you can sleep in my sister's room. Don't worry it's fine she's away at college and you can talk to my dad in the morning.
Luke: I don't know.
Mike: Stop worrying, it's fine just go on upstairs, first door on the right and uhh… Sometimes she keeps this umm… big stuffed dog on her bed just shove it off and hop 14 in.
Luke: Ok, good night.
Mike: Good night. Oh no! I missed dinner! Kate's going to kill me! Well at least nothing else can go wrong tonight.
Carol: Ah!!!!