【时间旅行者的妻子】88

 I am sleepy and content. It is January in my present, and Clare and I are struggling. This summer interlude is idyllic 1.
　Clare says, “I’d like to draw you, just like that.”
　“Upside down and asleep?”
　“Relaxed. You look so peaceful.”
　Why not? “Go ahead.” We are out here in the first place because Clare is supposed to be drawing trees for her art class. She picks up her sketchbook and retrieves 2 the charcoal 3. She balances the book on her knee. “Do you want me to move?” I ask her.
　“No, that would change it too much. As you were, please.” I resume staring idly at the patterns the branches make against the sky.
　Stillness is a discipline. I can hold quite still for long stretches of time when I’m reading, but sitting for Clare is always surprisingly difficult.
　Even a pose that seems very comfortable at first becomes torture after fifteen minutes or so. Without moving anything but my eyes, I look at Clare. She is deep in her drawing. When Clare draws she looks as though the world has fallen away, leaving only her and the object of her scrutiny 4. This is why I love to be drawn 5 by Clare: when she looks at me with that kind of attention, I feel that I am everything to her. It’s the same look she gives me when we’re making love. Just at this moment she looks into my eyes and smiles.
　“I forgot to ask you: when are you coming from?”
　“January, 2000.”
　Her face falls. “Really? I thought maybe a little later.”
　“Why? Do I look so old?”
　Clare strokes my nose. Her fingers travel across the bridge and over my brows. “No, you don’t. But you seem happy and calm, and usually when you come from 1998, or ‘99 or 2000, you’re upset, or freaked out, and you won’t tell me why. And then in 2001 you’re okay again.”
　I laugh. “You sound like a fortune teller 6. I never realized you were tracking my moods so closely.”
　“What else have I got to go on?”
 

  “是亨利，对吗？”
　　我摇头，把食指放到嘴唇上。我们来到女生会馆，走进更衣室，哇噻！所有的女孩都鸦雀无声了！接着，低低的说话声荡漾开来，慢慢挤走满屋子的寂静。我和海伦的衣箱在同一排，我打开箱子，取出运动衣裤和鞋子。我已经想好该怎么做了，我先脱下鞋袜，然后再是小内衣和短裤，我没有戴胸罩，那样会疼死的。
　　“喂，海伦！”我说。我继续脱内衣，海伦回过头来。
　　“天啊，克莱尔！”伤痕看起来比昨天更可怕，其中一些已显出青紫色，大腿上留着杰森用鞭子抽过的痕迹。“哦，克莱尔。”海伦走了过来，小心翼翼地抱住我。整个屋子静悄悄的，我的眼光掠过海伦的肩头，我看到所有的女生都围过来，看着我。海伦站直了转过身，对着她们，问道：“怎么了？”站在后排的一个女生开始鼓掌，接着大家一齐鼓掌，一齐欢笑，一齐欢呼。我感觉身体轻飘飘的，仿佛飞上了天。
　　一九九五年七月十二日，星期三（克莱尔二十四岁，亨利三十二岁）
　　克莱尔：我躺在床上，几乎快睡着了，突然感觉到亨利的手在我的肚子上摩挲，他回来了。我睁开双眼，他正俯身亲吻我那处烟烫的小疤痕。依稀的夜色中，我触摸他的脸，对他说：“谢谢你。”他回答：“很乐意为你效劳。”这是我们惟一一次谈起那件往事。
　　一九八八年九月十一日，星期日（亨利三十六岁，克莱尔十七岁）
　　亨利：这个温暖的九月下午，我和克莱尔走在果园里。金色的阳光下，昆虫们躲在草丛里轻轻地嗡鸣，万物一片静谧。放眼望去一片干枯的草地，暖洋洋的空气闪着微光。我们来到苹果树下，克莱尔把垫子搁在树根上，靠着树干坐下来。我则四肢张开地平躺着，头枕着她的腿。我们刚吃完东西，剩下的食物散落在周围，熟落的苹果点缀在其间。我心满意足，昏昏欲睡。我是从一月过来的，克莱尔和我正闹得不可开交。这段夏天的小插曲真是充满了田园诗意。
　　克莱尔说：“我想把你画下来，就保持这个姿势。”
　　“睡得东倒西歪的样子吗？”
　　“很放松的样子，你现在看上去很宁静。”
　　为什么不呢？“你画吧。”我们第一次到这里来是因为克莱尔要画一棵苹果树，交美术课的作业。她捡起素描本和碳笔，把本子在膝上放稳。我问：“你要我移动一下么？”
　　“不，那样就改变太多了。就保持现在的姿势。”于是，我继续懒散地观看枝条与天空相互映衬而成的图案。
　　静止是门戒律。我阅读时，保持多久都没有问题，可是耐心为克莱尔坐着，每次都出奇地困难，甚至某个刚开始很舒服的姿势，一刻钟后就成了人间酷刑。我身体保持不动，只能转转眼球，看看克莱尔，她正在埋头作画。克莱尔只要一画画，好像整个世界都消失了，只剩下她和被她观察的对象。这也正是我喜欢给她当模特的原因，她看着我的那种专注的眼神，仿佛我才是她的一切，那种眼神，除此以外，只有当我们XX的时才会给我。此刻，她正看到我的眼底深处，微笑着。
　　“我忘了问你，你是从哪一年过来的？”
　　“二年一月。”
　　她的脸一下子拉长了，“真的？我还以为更晚一些呢。”
　　“为什么，我看上去很老？”
　　克莱尔揉揉我的鼻子，她的手指游走过我的鼻梁，来到我的眉毛上。“不，没有。可是你这次看上去很开心也很平和，通常，当你从一九九八、一九九九或二年过来时，要么很沮丧，要么很怪异，你也总不告诉我原因。然后，到了二一年，你又一切正常了。”
　　我笑起来，“你看上去像个算命的。真没想到你还会这么仔细地留意我的情绪。”
　　“那我还能留意什么呢？”