访谈录 2010-06-01&06-05 解读剩女现象-9

Do men get married and do they marry the next person they meet after they finally go "wow, I forgot to get married” They’ve been with somebody who is been wonderful for years and years and years that could be their soul mate and they just weren't ready. And then one day, it seems like they are ready, and the next thing across their path, that's who they married.

My girlfriend Ratin Jones calls she is aboot camp train and heifer, that’s what she is. You go to the boot camp with me, and then you decide, you know, I thought him put a lot of work, then you break up and I will send you to go get married. Is that true?

It wasn't true in my case. I want to give myself together and so that whoever I’ll go partner with, I will be a good partner to them. So it went about, I mean I just made so many mistakes, so many bad choices and I allow myself to be chosen by women that uh, want to encourage me. And I just made some bad choices, so I really, uh, no, not to me, when I got married, no! It wasn't!

Hill?

I think it is true for some men. Uh, and this is how and why I think it's some men get to a point, a maturity 1 level and they realize that the way they have been thinking all along about “I gotta get here then add this person was wrong?” So it clicks in them and they realize "Well, nobody I've ever dated is perfect, so the next person I’m gonna date is not perfect either. But I know that I wanna go to this next place in my life, have a family, have a partner, so I must grab 2 this next person.” I think it’s not true for every man but I do know I have friends, they basically said that to me. They said "You know what, I am ready, I'm ready to get married." Uh, they could have been, they could have just got out of a 3 or 4 year-old relationship. But they said, you know what, and part of reason that they realize that is that they are in their long relationship, it ends, and they realize I am still exactly where I was. And I still haven't got there, so I must get there with somebody or this next person. They've already created so much baggage with the person before that they knew they couldn't go back there, so they just went forward with someone new.

That's, that's 100% true. Here is the other element to that. Men…a lot women, you are not married because it's not a requirement of yours. It's just simply not. You date a guy for 8, 9, 10 years, what are you doing? So, what, how you let this go down this long? You know, listen to me, we as men, I’m telling you some modals. We get it figured out in 365 days. We know we want you. We already know. We already know of you wife material, once we take you over there to meet Mama, we pretty much to locked in. We can't take nobody to mama and we ain't would like it. We get it figured in 365 days. The marriage has to be a requirement of yours. That…, see, you have to remember this thing right here, the wedding day, the dream of the wedding day is your dream. From the time you were a little girl, you've been hoped to be married one day. It's a dream of what, you pick up the gown, where it is gonna be, how many people, the carriage, the flute 3, the doves 4, everything. You got bridal shops, bridal magazines, you got wedding clientless, everything. We got a tuxedo 5 shot and when we get to win that, we don't take it back. That's how much the wedding day means to us. That's your dream; all we have dreamed about is the woman of our dreams. And we can’t get you, and you don't require the day of your dreams. We were where we need to be. I gotta find a woman who is everything to me and you don't require a date. So now you've been with this man six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve, fourteen years and ain't got a ring on your hand on a date. That's because, and please know he loves you, please know he will do for you, but you ain't require no date. Now because the bitterness has built up, now you are break up, now guess what? The next woman come along, she requires a date.

Sherri?

I just, you know, I appreciate being here, I appreciate listening to Jimi and Hill and Steve about the other side of it. I am not ready to go over and take a dip in the snow. Just, yeah, I love my black men, and you know, there is been men that have done me wrong, but I still believe there are many many good black men out there and I’m sitting here, I’m going, I’m here, you know, so I say don't give up. You know, enjoy the journey!

Jacque? What's the solution?

Well, I don't know what the solution is, that was part of the reason that I wanted to be here. Because I think that one of the biggest problems that we have through relationships of black men and black women is lack of communication, I think Hill said right off the back. We do need to talk, we do have misconceptions about each other, and there is a lot of anger and bitterness on both sides. I think women are angry and bitter, many of us, I think a lot of men are angry and bitter, and I think that we do need to have more conversations like this, and try to figure out solutions. We need to move the conversations forward, you know what I mean, because there is a tragedy happening in our community and that's demise 6 to the black family. Uh, I keep, I said if we can first talk about this, I think it’s reach epidemic 7 of proportions when you look at the numbers of single black women, successful, you know, on their way to becoming successful, it's scary.

What do you learn guys?

I think what I have learnt is what I learnt after writing my book, that, uh, that is important to listen and it's also important to be willing to be free and talk and, we talk about, he was talking about baggage, I think, you have to be with a partner who you are willing, that you trust enough, the two of you can sit and unload each other's baggage and help each other heal. I suppose it’s just to distract 8 this baggage around on your back, because this is the weight on the relationship, so I think what I have learnt here is that we can't actually sit down and talk, and we can do so civilly. And I am hoping that other people take this tenor 9 of our conversation into their homes, into their bars, or wherever, you know, but this is, this is good.

Hill, you've talked about your concern about the demise of the black family. What's going to stop that?

First of all, I am a very hopeful person. I believe the black is always hopeful. I believe that we can change some part of getting to where we are now is having conversations like this and what changes it is friendship, that's it. Developing friendships with folks across gender 10, figuring out ways that we love, support each other. I believe that we as men have to earn, earn a woman's commitment and trust. And women, on the flip 11 side, need to understand and listen and really understand men from an open mind and not filter it through the way they believe a relationship should look.