访谈录 2010-06-11&06-15 解读剩女现象-11

-Personally, I think that, the meaning of marriage has changed. I think that marriage was one thing of we had to do because we were dependent on a man's take care of us. Then there was an expectancy 1 thing, I graduated school, I gotta get married. And now it's like “okay, I graduated school and I wanna enjoy my life, I wanna enjoy what I’ve worked so hard to do.” And it’s not, that's not a problem dating and getting no people and building friendships and networks, I thought that’s what supposed to do and I don't think that's necessary a problem to be 28,31,32 and be single.  -But I think where the epidemic 3 is that you have a great amount of single mothers out here raising children and there is no man in the family helping 4 to raise these children and so we have, we have an episode Chris Brown and Rihanna. There is nobody in there, uh, speaking on the Chris Brown side, there was nobody in there teaching this young boy how to be a man, so that he is not in the situation that he is in right now. He has his mother in there, she was in an abusive situation. So I think that's the epidemic, you are in the ideal situation, you are just, you got out of school, you're having fun, you're getting friendships, but there is a lot of people out here who have, we have children, and we have like, what is the problem here, because our children are being, they’re growing up and they don't have the benefit of a man, or you know, uh, a whole family coming in there.

-I think that's the core of the problem, not we can't. Because when you said CAN'T, I think you play the blame game, ‘cause you tell me I can't do something, I gotta defend myself. That's when anyone who says someone you can't. When you haven't, because of other things in your life, I think that's different. So I think that what you are saying is the core, but I don't think that's necessarily what this is on the screen.

-The issue is when you become my age, you may still be single and not have children because of what's going on. And that is the issue, that is almost like we are saying, you know, Sherri has a young child, you know, and I don't have any children but it's, you know, we are trying to say to the young sisters out there. There is a problem, there is something that needs solving.

-Even if playing game on musical chairs, we can talk about it all day long, but when everybody is ready to sit down and the music stops, if there are missing chairs, then I think that's the big issue. So I think Vicki was talking about it in the beginning that you have 2 black women in college for every one black male. I think that we have to get beyond just the conversation as far as you and I dating. I think that we have to start at the root "why are we not having as many black men graduating from high school, why, you know, that conversation."-It is the number’s game at this point, uh, because when you have another statistic 5 that there are more college age African-American men in prison than in college, that's a huge problem. It, that has to be addressed.

-And I think, you know, I think Steve is on a very good point. It goes back the root of the problem really is, you know, why, this young lady who said to Linzey, um, you know, why aren't there enough successful black men out there to choose from, you know, well-educated, with reach a certain amount of success and like Sherri said, off the back, she has these standards, why do we have to compromise and lower our standards, you want what you want. And then I think when you end up settling a lot times, you end up in a relationship where you are not really equally yoked 6, you are not on the same level. And then you, there is incompatibility 7, and so it doesn't work, and I don't think there is anything wrong with us having standards and say "hey, I am up here, I wanna somebody who is up here too." I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

-I think that we have a role problem, like we are all outside of our roles. And so if you think about why like 50 years ago, um, you know 80, whatever the numbers are, 80% of black children were being raised in two-parent families, because we have defined roles. You can not be a great wife, a great mother and have a powerful career, all at the same time. You can not! It's not possible and I do not believe that anybody that thinks that "oh, I can balance all of that together" is being realistic about what it takes to do even two or one of those things well and correctly.

-Yeah, I agree with you, I think we've been, we've been fed this thing of we can't have it all. And we've seen that something has got to give because we can't have it all. We've been trying and we're sick and we're stressed.

-You can't have it all, and you know, maybe you can't have it all at the same time. So like right now I am a mother, I think I am doing a great job of that and I have a great career and I am happy for that. But I can't wait till my daughter goes to college so I can’t have a great relationship. Because currently I can't give a man everything that he needs. Because I am honest, when I meet a guy, I tell him that "listen, Monday to Thursday, I can't do anything, like I am homework, I really would prefer you not call me, because I like…"-So in that, I wanna ask you, in that schedule when can you make time to make a superman?

-I can't make. I need you to be good with yourself. I need you to meet me on Friday night, alternate Saturdays and sometimes, Sunday afternoon.

-And this is the real, this is the real.

-If we don't have a pro 2, this is the real, if I don't have a project that I have to help her do. And so if you can work with me for the next 6 years on that, then I am gonna be like all, I am gonna be like taking care of you.

-Sorry, I gotta caught up, I’m sorry.

-And I think that we just have unrealistic expectations of what we can do in 24 hours and so when I come home from a tough job and I got a kid, I can't also service you the way as a man you needs wanna be serviced. I might be able to service you the way I think you should be serviced, but that's not gonna meet up with the way you think it should be. So all I am saying, all I am saying here is that I think that the three model role of being a mother, you know being a great wife and being a career person is just not possible all at the same time. And if we could accept in each other that we are gonna do two of those things really well whichever choice you are gonna make of the two. Then I think it would be much easier.

-Um, love will never ever go out of style, love is for real. It’s out there, it’s available, it’s gonna take a lot of conversations, but you can get it right. I don't care how many times you stumble and falling and messed up at what you've done, you can get it right. You just have to have yourself in the ready-set position when he comes your way. If you can, like Sherri says, release some of baggage, let go and just sit still .God has created this person for you, he is not a God that would not allow you two to meet. It's just when he seems him in your way, you just got to be available, you can't be doing something in the meantime to hold you over and expect your real need to be fulfilled while you're outrageous 8 doing some you want to do, there is no room  for the blessing 9 that way. And if you keep that in your concept, I think, I know for a fact it happens, you know it doesn't just happen for men. You hear this guy's story, he's been married couple of times, I’ve been married, this is the third marriage. I am telling you: there are thousands of marriages every day, it just ain't you.

-I got to thank our guests Hill Harper, Jimi Izrael, Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Steve Harvey-raise a war with words. Thank all of you for coming, thank you so much.