如何处理与亲家的关系?

Alexis Glick: As you know today is getting ready to throw a hometown wedding this September,the second most popular month of the year to get married. And in case you are wondering, June tops the list and August is the third,so with that in mind, we thought it would be a good idea to tackle a very important topic-Dealing with the in-laws. Dr.Dale Atkins, psychologist and author of "Wedding Sanity 1 Savers"has some advice for us this morning.

Alexis Glick: Good morning

Dr.Dale Atkins: Good morning(twice)

Alexis Glick: Well,first of all,it's usually an incredibly stressful period for everybody involved,but you say #1:Get off on the right foot with your in-laws.

Dr.Dale Atkins: It's very important to get off on the right foot, because you have to be open, this is a relationshiop for life, and people get a little noddy around the time of the wedding as they are planning the wedding, and sometimes you may think that the way they are behaving is exactly who they are,and it may not be.So you have to be open,you have to observe,you have to listen to them so that you can find out who they are,learn from them,and be respectful. Among every issue that I tell people in this book,with Annie Gilbar who wrote the book with me, is you have to be respectful of this new relationship,because it is growing and it takes a lot of time.

Alexis Glick: One of the things is you get into this period where you're engaged and now you have to plan a wedding, there's always seems to be a little bit of tension between the bride-to-be and the mother-in-law,because everything happens so quickly.Why is that?

Dr.Dale Atkins: Well, there's a lot of tension because,first of all,the mother-in-law-to-be is all of a sudden losing her son or,you know,when the,usually it's losing her son and she thinks "oh,now I'm not gonna be #1,this other woman is going to be #1.Who is this interloper?" But I want to say that most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law get along pretty well,and this whole mother-in-law joke kind of thing has given that such a bad rap,and I think it's important(I agree)to develop the relationship and to talk about / things other than the wedding,so that you get to know her,and she gets to know you,and you understand that it's again you have to be respectful of the fact that she is losing her position as #1,but you need to talk about things engage her,ask her advice,and really ask her to be a partner in this whole journey that you are taking.

Alexis Glick: One of the things you say is to create a basic plan with your soon-to-be spouse 2,the two of you sit down,figure out what it is,and then deligate things out so that everybody feels like they are playing a big role in it.

Dr.Dale Atkins: I think it's important because you never know who wants to be involved and how much they want to be involved,but first you and your fiancé need to know,do you want a big wedding,do you want a small wedding,do you want a fancy wedding,do you wanna be barefoot on the beach,do you,you know how many people do you wanna have,and what kind of venue 3 do you want.You have to know what you want,and then when you talk about it with your parents and your in-law parents,you then have an idea of how they might be able to be helpful.Perhaps they would like,there's something very important to them,perhaps they would like to have two people officiating if it's an interfaith wedding,and that's really important to them. Or perhaps they want someone honored,who has died. How can you incorporate that element,and really incorporated out of respect for them,and honoring them,because you need to go to them and say, "How can I keep you a part of what's going on,and I appreciate them".So many in-laws do not feel appreciated that they don't feel invited to join.

Alexis Glick: Let's now talk a little bit about a couple of problems and some of your solutions.(Okay)One of which you say "Conflicting Loyalties 4" all of a sudden you got a situation where the son and the mother-in-law are on the same team,and..you know,it's difficult.

Dr.Dale Atkins: It is difficult,and one of the worst things is to put your fiancé in the middle between you and his mother,because then he has to choose,and that's really not a good position to be in. It takes time and some of us don't realise this,to shift from being a son,which you've been your whole life,to then being a soon-to-be husband,and you never stop being a son,but you have to get into this new role,everyone is getting used to the roles,and weddings as magnificent as they are also is about loss,so people are losing their positions in one role and becoming in another position.But the thing I'd like to ask people to do is to make sure that their relationship with their spouse is solide,they present a unified 5 front,and then they can talk about how they can engage their soon-to-be spouse to help them,so they don't feel as if they are always being ganged up upon.

Alexis Glick: Let's look at a couple of other points you say(Sure). "Standing 6 up for yourself" you also say "Establish you footing in the family" and about "Taking sides" walk through a couple of these points.

Dr.Dale Atkins: Okay,you have to stand up for yourself,but you really don't wanna be confrontational 7. Again,this is a relationship for life,and these are the people who raise the person that you've chosen to live your life with,so if you don't like them,you still have to respect them and you probably don't know them very well,and they don't know you. One of the things I think it's important is standing up for yourself and establishing a footing because you could..they maybe talking about people in the family that you don't know ,you'll say "Remember? I didn't know this person" or "Who is he again?" "Is he married to Aunt Sue?" or "I wasn't on that family vacation" Remember I'm now new here,and I need to be brought up to speak.

Alexis Glick: And a great point that you make which is be very careful about venting 9 to your future spouse about their parents.

Dr.Dale Atkins: Absolutely,you don't wanna vent 8 about the parents,you also if you are an in-law parent,you don't wanna vent to the other in-law parent about their child,this is about bringing families together and trying to create a relationship for a lifetime.The day of the wedding is only one day,but the relationship lasts forever. And people may behave differently as they are planning their wedding because they are nervous,they are sad,they are anxious,but they have to be considered,because of who they are and their histories,and it really can be a good relationship,but it takes time to build.

Alexis Glick: Dr.Dale Atkins,thank you so much,always such great advice,and I love this book—Wedding Sanity Savers,such great advice.

Dr.Dale Atkins: Thank you.