访谈录 Interview 2007-03-14&16, 什么时候才叫真正长大?

This morning on Today's Family. Are they old enough? It's only natural for kids to run adventure out on their own as they get a little older. But deciding what they can do and when they can do it, it's a very difficult decision for a lot of parents. Clinical psychologist Ruth Peters is a contributor for both Today and IVillage. Ruth, good to have you back, good morning!

Thank you very much, Matt.

We, we, we are talking about independence here. Whether you have a teen or a toddler, they all want their independence. What are the best ways to handle it as a rule then we will get into some more specific situation?

Baby steps. OK, know your kid and understand, you know, what the personality is like. And if they have good judgment 1 and you take it all in baby steps, Matt.

And listen to your gut 2, right? Because every situation is not the same.

And every kid is different. And if your kid is responsible, uses good judgment, perhaps they can do it earlier than their older sibling 3 did.

Yeah, set limits, and by the way, be willing to change the rules to review the policies?

As they grow, as they grow. And also if they blow it then you have to move back a little bit, so that they can't go on with it.

I'm glad to hear you say that. Let's take the mall for example. Kids love for some reason to hang out at the mall, OK? At what age is it OK for them to go alone? Before you tell me, let's take a look at what some people on the street had to say about that.

35, no.
Probably 15.
Err 4, maybe 15 or 16.
First of all, she doesn't drive, so I have to drive her. And she's only 13 and I think the age should be at least at 16, 17.

13, I think 13 is a good age.

So, the sarcasm 5 in the sight from 13 to 16 seemed to be the ages of these people, so what do you think?

Yeah, I think so. You get kids at about 8th grade where they are going in groups. That's an important thing that you don't let them go alone, they are in a group. Certainly in high school, you allow children to do this. But again review it if you see thing's happening where they are not what they are supposed to be, then you stop that privilege 6.

Let's talk about boy-girl parties.

Yes.

Clearly when kids are 6 and 7, they go to these parties all the time, but all of a sudden they hit puberty and the early teen years and the whole dynamic 7 changes. So let's find out what people on the streets said was a good age to let kids go to a boy-girl party alone.

Probably 17, 18.
Probably 15, 16.
I think up to them. They need to be there, hanging with mom and dad, playing sports, baby-sitting. You know, just being with the family.

What do you think, Ruth?

I mean that 17 or 18 is ridiculous. You are not gonna wait till then, it is not gonna happen. They are gonna go even if you don't know. I think what you need to do is know your kid whether they can handle it. They are not going alone again, they are going with friends. And the most important thing is that the parents are there at the party. They are inside you know the parents you've checked and you know that there is not going to be alcohol 8 or substances.

And do you pick up the phone and call the parents they are gonna be holding this party for their kids or is that taking you one step too far?

It's never too far. You absolutely know the parents and you talk to them to make sure that they are gonna be there and they are not gonna be in hold up in the bedroom, they are going to be there mingling 9 in the party or your child doesn't go.

Let's move on to cell phones. Big talk today, no, no pun intended about. What age is a good age to give your kids a cell phone? (Yeah.) I've got very strong feelings in this. But first let's take a look at what some people on the streets had to say.

13, I wanna know where they are. I wanna be able to reach them.

I don't think I have much choice anymore. I tell you once they are in high school, they got cell phones. Err, I'm not sure that's always a good thing because that puts them in, in touch with their friends 247.

What do you think about this?

Cell phones are for the child safety and for the parental 10 convenience. It's not just for the kids they add. If there's a specific need, a child needs one at 10 or 11 possibly, OK. But I think when kids are in the latter part of the middle school or high school, they are going to want to use it. But there have to be a very clear rule set in getting cell phone.

But, but you, you used an important word, need, (That's right.) this isn't for fun, this isn't to chat with their friends. This is for safety for communication.

That's right, and it is not a given just because this kid shows up at 13 and says I want one with a lot of blink 11 on it. It is a privilege.

Yeah, and, and I think living in New York, post 911, I feel strongly about this because I wanna know where I can reach my kids, in case anything happens. So I probably give my kids a cell phone in their earlier age than a lot of other parents.

But they will have limits on who they call and how they can use it.

Do you think you should monitor the calls?

Absolutely.

That's not taking, that's not kind of mix message. I trust you with the cell phone, but I don't trust who you're gonna talk to.

You wait, Matt. You wait till they draw first blood, if they are showing that they are not going over the minutes, that they are not getting in trouble, they are good students, then you do not check their text messages in their phone calls. But if you see that they are up at night, all night on the phone, you can do something called parent time and quiet time so where it is really restricted 12.

I don't have a lot of time left but the car. (Oh.) Car accident's the No.1 cause of death for teenagers. 45% of first-year drivers have an accident. Let's talk about with people on the street what age the kid should be able to drive the family car alone.

I think the maturity 13 level of a child has a lot of play in it. Kids are involved in an accident, especially when they have more kids in the car. But 16, 17 the appropriate.
I think driving is tough. I mean, I was, the driving age was 17. Because I think 16 is young for that kind of judgment decisions.

What do you think?

I think, around 16, 17, but you have to monitor the kid, make sure they're driving first only in the daytime that there are no other passengers in the first month or two. And there're no suspicious 14 actions, no cell phone's going off except if mom and dad are calling them. Firm rules, they break it, that's it.

Any offenses 15 you take back some of their privileges 16?

That's what you give to them. So you can take them back.

Alright, Ruth Peters, good to have you back.

Thank you much.

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