英语语法：12 Hey, That's Not Grammar Girl!

An April Fools' show in which Will Ross from 118 Migration 1 impersonates Grammar Girl.

Grammar Girl here...

This show is also sponsored by "Grammar Girls Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing." I've hidden a golden bookmark in five of the copies that were sent out, and the five lucky winners will be taken on a magical tour of my Lincoln Towncar, which they will also get to wash, wax and detail.

Today I'm going to answer some e-mails messages I've been avoiding!

(Click) So, first up, yet another "affect" versus 2 "effect." It's really pretty simple if you remember one phrase:

The questions I get over and over affect my mental well being, in effect, your question is killing 3 me.

or how about

The effect of having to answer this again is a headache. Not even a glass of box-wine will affect this migraine.

Affect = Influence. Your often repeated questions affect me.

Effect = Result. The effect of this is that I count "affects" and "effects" in my sleep, and I may be going a bit mad.

(Click) Spam.

(Click) Oh, here's one.  "Dear Mignon,

My name is Ashley and I'm a freshman 4 in high school. Can you tell me, in no fewer than two-thousand words, why the word "irregardless" should never be spoken by someone with less than a masters degree in English Composition. Please write it in my words; it's due by Friday. But it's not a homework assignment. But by Friday.

Ashley Anderson"

Dear Ashley,

Irregardless of the fact that you're trying to get me to do your English paper, I don't respond to people with such obviously contrived 5 names.  Seriously, Will, Ashley Anderson? Why not just name her Peter Parker or Lois Lane. You're lucky I'm not paying you for this episode.

(Click) Nigerian down on his luck who needs my bank account number.

(Click) OK, here's one. Do periods go outside of quotation 6 marks? NO. A thousand times no.  The quotation marks are the little yard, and the period is the dog. Keep the dog in the yard.

(Click) Ad.

(Click) Unsolicited pornography.

(Click) Ad for unsolicited pornography

(Click) Oh, OK, here's a question from Detective Lagrasse of the New Orleans Police department:

"Is it Elder Gods, or Elders God. Please let me know within two hours." Oh, good, it's from April 1 so I've still got ... oh ... 2007. Oops.

(Click) Why am I still getting newsletters from them. All I wanted was a coupon 7.

(click) OK, another e-mail about the "color" versus "colour" debate, and if you didn't hear the "u" in the second, British spelling it's because it doesn't belong there. If you really want to get your writing noticed, dot your lower case i's with ninja stars.  British spellings belong in Britain where they can be cynically 8 and dryly be over-pronounced through a thick handlebar mustache.

(click) Hrm, here's another one.  How do you spell "consensus 9."  And you typed it in an e-mail message. And it's 2010. And so your e-mail most likely has a spell checker. Just saying.

(Click) "John Norman" wants to be your friend on Facebook. (Click) DECLINED.

(click) So moving on, author Scott Sigland, author of "Infectiousness," and "The Football Man" writes in to ask me how many enormous male characters would be grammatically appropriate for an entire writing career.  I'd say no less than three, Scott, but you're already well past th-

Real Mignon: Will?

Will: Uhhh.  Hullo.

Real Mignon: You know you don't work here anymore, right?

Will: Oh, yeah, I was just getting something from my desk.

Real Mignon: You don't have a desk.

Will: I was just getting something from your desk?

Real Mignon: Do I have to call Adam?

Will: I'm going I'm going! Just let me click send here.

Real Mignon: Wait is that my feed what are you posting- *Click*

Will: Will Ross--ahem, that's me--is the former host of the Quick and Dirty Tips Traveling Avatar podcast who has moved on to bigger and better things, namely, writing fiction at 118migration.com.

Three years ago I did an April Fools' show for Grammar Girl, and for some reason (probably because The Onion stole her idea this year) Mignon invited me back.

Mignon: Thanks for the encore April Fools' show Will. I miss your humor.

I'm Mignon Fogarty, author of Grammar Girl's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, which Patrick, a homeschooling blogger in Arizona, recently called "quite possibly...most useful grammar quick reference ever made."

That's all. Thanks for listening.