访谈录 Interview 2007-01-19&21, 宝宝让婚姻更美满

A new baby can shake up even the best of marriage. Psychologist John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman say that all couples really have to be ready for it. And their book is called And Baby Makes Three, the six-step plan for preserving marital 1 intimacy 2 and rekindling 3 romance after the baby arrives. A big challenge for anybody. Good morning to both of you.

Hi, good morning.

Your research was absolutely startling. And a little bit disturbing because you found that 67% of couples 3 years after having a baby were actually unhappy with each other. That leaves only 33%, about a third of the people were still content with their relationship. Why? What are the reasons behind that, that you heard from most couples?

Well. What the thing that really happens that we don't realize is a combination of two things. Sleep deprivation 4 and lots and lots of work. So, if you take a healthy group of people deprive them of sleep for 30 days. At the end of 30 days they are clinically depressed 5. So, think how many times parents have to wake up every night. Their sleep has disturbed for months. Irritability 6, increased hostility 7. They are mess. Then, you combine that with all the hard work they have to do. Then, (it) makes real difficulties in terms of their communicating with each other.

You know, that sounds so familiar. I think anybody who has especially young children can really relate to that.

Alright.

And you say one of the most important steps that you can do first and foremost is to realize We're All In The Same Soup? What do you mean by that?

That's right. Well, everybody goes though the same thing, they wind up ignoring one another and feeling lonely and feeling irritable 8. And a lot of postpartum depression is really based on the relationship sort of going downhill. Cause there's no time for finishing sentences for, you know, really turning toward one another for affection, for romance, for passion. Ah, you know, baby is not like a ringing telephone. You can't ignore a baby. And so, it really absorbs your focus. Guys when you are feeling lonely, ignored, is a lot more conflict cause you are running on empty. And you know, relationship satisfaction really goes down the two. So, that's, and that's the issue.

That brings us to your second point which you say is to really try to Cool Down Your Conflicts. Give us an example. How would you do that?

Well, first of all, let's see what a real conflict looks like. So, for example, we think that couples are fighting about things that have deep, deep meaning. Here's what a typical conflict could look like. Honey, would you stop channel-surfing a little bit. Stop channel surfing, let's fix a channel so we... .

I just wanna see what's on. I just wanna see what's on before we, you know, settle on something.

You know, I don't like the hostility in your voice.

Fine.

You're just weird 9, you've been an idiot. So, stop it.

Fine. Ok, fine. You do it, do it your way. You're gonna do it your way, you are gonna have it your way.

All right, guys. Ok. Ok, time out. Cause you guys are scaring me. What would the right way be to handle a situation like that?

Ok, first of all, drop criticism. Secondly 10, don't get defensive 11. Third, don't be contemptuous. Fourth don't cut out your partner. So, might look something like this. Honey, would you mind not channel surfing? It's driving me crazy.

But I just wanna see what else is on before we settle on something. Might be a movie, or might be something.

Is really that important to you?

Er… No.

Cool. Ok.

Here your go. Alright.

And what are couples fighting about mostly? Absolutely, nothing.

Right, that's, that's true. You say it's….

You can't remember what the issue was. But they are mostly fighting about how they fight. And things get to be controlled struggles.

A lot of little battles can really add up. So, you also say it's important to savor 12 your friendship. How do you do that?

Right, absolutely.

Right, there is little small things you can do, just like there, little nuts and bolts tools to use to help conflict with friendship you give appreciation 13. Tell your partner thank you. Turn towards your partner in those little moments when your partner ask you to do something. And of course, if you feel open to it, little sex is good too.

Oh, that brings us to your next point. And so many couples complained about there's a lack of intimacy . They're too tired, they don't have any privacy. Heating up your sex life is crucial to the health of a marriage. Any suggestions?

Well, one of the most important things we found when we interviewed couples, and we're the first study actually to ask couples about their sex lives, believe it or not, is that, you know, people aren't talking about sex. And people aren't making it a priority. And they are not really comfortable asking for what they need. And part of what we see is, you know, the guys want a lot more sex than women do after a baby's born, even 3 years after a baby. Women's sex drives is considerably 14 lower than men's. But what the men are saying over and over again is that it's not the quality of sex they want. They wanna feel like their wives desire them. That they are, that they are desirable. That every now and then, she's gonna say, God, you look delicious in that blue shirt, I can't keep my hands off you.

So, make it a priority. You guys, thank you so much. Great advice, I think a lot of people can relate to. It's good to have both of you with us this morning. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. You can read an excerpt 15 from "And Baby Makes Three " on our website at CBSNEWS.com

Thank you.
Thank you.