访谈录 Interview 2007-04-09&11, 单身也快乐

Florence, let me start with you, because you wrote this book about being a woman alone. You say your message to women is pretty simple that we need to embrace aloneness, and not think of it as a failure. What do you mean?

Well, of course, this is my own story, my personal story. But when I started to work with women, to my astonishment 1, I realized that about 80% of the women in my practice, married and unmarried, had extraordinary fears, a sense of shame, a sense of inadequacy 2 about being either in a state of aloneness, or actually women alone. They find....

But there's been a stigma 3 attached to it that if you're alone, there is something that mattered with you.

A huge stigma. Men are, of course, if they are alone, they are bachelors. And women, we are still carrying the legacy 4 of being spinsters, and dried-up and ready for the, for that youngster 5 really. So, yeah, we have, we have a lot of learning to do. And what I'm trying to say is that if we allow ourselves to be in a state of aloneness, and we can actually be there with whatever feelings come up. But some pretty strong feelings will come up at the beginning.

Then we will grow as women.

Exactly.

And we have three ladies here, all of them in the state of aloneness at the moment. Starting with you, Maribel. You've been married. You're forty, but married twice and divorced. What does it mean to be alone after having been in a relationship?

I think you go through a transitional period, because I've always been in a long-term relationship. So you get to a point of, you enjoyed it for a little while, at least for me anyway. And then I went ...er.. came to a point of, like, what do I do, that's not who I am anymore. How do I, where, who am I right now.

So you've always attached your identity to someone else.

Exactly, exactly.

So then when I wasn't doing that anymore, 'coz as you get older, you become more peaky. You know, or you don't want to settle. And then, it's like, ok, so what do I do. And it's a matter of accepting it, and saying, ok, this is what I want, and I'm not gonna settle, so I'm going to enjoy what I do have.

And are you enjoying being alone, or do you still have a little bit of …

I go back and forth 6, because it's just different feelings at different times. You know, I enjoy being alone. There are things I can come and go as I pleased. But you know, there are always times when you want that companionship. So I'm still, I'm not saying that I wouldn't want that relationship, of course I would, and I'm looking. But I'm not desperate for it.

And Hallie, you are 32, you've never been married. And being alone isn't really first choice for you.

It's not. I mean I think I was raised in a wonderful way. I was really encouraged to focus on my education, and now my career. And so I've been very much about my friends and my self-development. But I think now you know 32, be 33 soon. And I do think I'd like to have a relationship, a partner to go through life with. I grew up as only child for the first 18 years in my life, so I feel like I actually am very comfortable being alone and being in my own scheme, and living by myself. But I think the next part of my life, as I think it's gonna have a relationship as a part of it. So I'm looking forward to that next incarnation.

That's pretty good.

And Jacqui, you are forty, you are single. You are about to adopt a child. And you love being alone.

I do, I love being single. I think it's, you know, I have a very supportive role model. My mother, you know, was a widow in her fifty. And she always, she didn’t rush into getting remarried. And she's not remarried, and she's very happy. And she's really, sort of give me a wonderful role model of how you can be single and how to be totally happy. I'm very confident with myself. So I'm adopting a child, and I will be the first single mom. And I think so many single women put off their life, and they put their life on hold waiting for Mr. Perfect to come along. They don’t take that dream vacation they want to do. They don't buy property, because they are waiting to buy a two-bedroom with that partner Robin 7, just going for a one-bedroom. So, I think it's such a shame that women put off waiting to live their lives until they've met Mr. Right.

I think, of course, that Jacqui has really discovered the art of being alone.

I was about to say!

Jacqui, you've graduated.

By the way, I made it, yeah.

Congratulate!

But you know what, there are a lot of women who are in kindergarten and first grade if that, and who have to learn what you've obviously learned, in order to be truly feeling very, very vitalized to be on their own.

And how do you gain the confidence, that's a thing.

I think it's not even that you gained the confidence; I think it's that you have to go through the emotions of it. And then you just get to a point of you have to accept what is in front of you, and really looking at what are the things that you want (absolutely) and accepting it, and then you can be happy with yourself.

And you can have such a full life.

I mean if you think, you know, I've got such great friends, I'm moving forward in my career, and, you know, I'm home, eating crackers 8 in bed, you know it's really enjoyable today. You know, you can enjoy those things.

Unfortunately, we are not alone here, and someone is talking in my ears saying that we've got to wrap it up. So thank you all, Florence Falk, Maribel Vega, Hallie Hobson, and Jacqui Stafford. (Thank you.) The art of being alone.