在婚姻问题上作一个聪明的女人

Oprah: We are talking with Dr. Robin 1 Smith and women who have been conned 2 by the men they fell in love with. And you just said it, you attract this narcissist 3, because you have a..

Guest: I think I can be considered a dependent person at times.

Oprah: A dependent person now?

Guest: Yeah. And you know when, after this happened I asked myself what the lesson was. And the first lesson I think is, you need to learn that you can do everything that you wanna do by yourself. You don't need someone else to give that to you. And I kept saying but I don't wanna do it by myself. You know, and as the months went by, I started realizing that I am a strong person, and I am a good person, and I will be Ok without him.

Oprah: You don't wanna... But see now, that's so interesting.

Dr. Robin: It is. That is powerful.

Oprah: That's so interesting. I think that is really...That's growth for you.

Guest: Yeah.

Oprah: That is growth for you. I am glad I didn't have that Cinderella thing.

Guest: You didn't. No?

Oprah: No. I might have had something else, but I didn't, I didn't have that. This is so funny 'cuz the other day I had this great pocket book that I just bought 'n' Stedman was looking at it. And I was saying gee 4 that pocket book cost... He was saying how much does this thing cost. It cost a lot of money which I am not going to say what it cost but...er, and so Stedman said, "I can't believe you spent that much money on a pocket book. And I said: "and aren't you glad I didn't have to ask you for it?"

(audience laughing and applauding)

Oprah: You know what I'm saying?

Yeah!

Oprah: And, and he said, "And aren't you glad cause I would have said 'no'." Let's stop talking about that pocket book. But you know, I..I was...I realize this too in this conversation. I realize that in all my relationships I have always, you know, been the kind of woman who, even though I was like waiting on him to call, you know, who took care of myself and the very idea like of asking,' Could I have money to buy something' would make me sick.

Guest: Say I know I can do stuff by myself but I, you know, at the time. I've grown since, but I would almost prefer to have somebody...
Oprah: You would?

Guest: I would've. Yeah

Oprah: To take care of you?

Guest: I am learning not to be in that position, but...

Dr. Robin: But it makes so much sense because again that is one fantasy (yeah) that many women are raised with which is that somebody else will take care of us.

Oprah: How many people wouldn't have that and want it? OK. Now they are not gonna say it.

Dr. Robin: Ooh, no, no, no...

Oprah: No, really, but how many of you want...you...

Woman in the audience: First of all, if anything were to happen, I wanna have what I have.

Oprah: Me too.

I don't want anybody coming back and taking it away from me or holding it over my head. So I've always been the opposite. I mean, I am ... I am generally hard on a man. You're gonna have to live up to my standard to make me happy.(audience laughing) You know. But...(applause) ( Have mercy!) I would like to ask a question especially of the doctor and Oprah. "How do ...because I have so many friends who are desperate for relationships, desperate to get married, desperate for a man, um, how do I help them understand they need to give up the dream?

Oprah: You know, I think that is a great question and a whole damn 5 show.Hah...

(inaudible) Part of the issue is though a lot of your, those friends you are talking about are empty. And so they may have full lives, they could be professionals, they could be good moms, but if they are raised to still feel like the only way I have value is if a man...

Oprah: But you were saying earlier in the show about being alone means that I am not really complete.

Dr. Robin: Yes, and, do you know what, I had someone say to me, more than one person, but one person-an incredibly accomplished 6 woman, say to me that she would rather be divorced than to be single, because at least being divorced meant somebody chose me.

Oprah: Are your friends, do your friends, and I am sure you have friends who are..what..working in, have really full lives.

Woman in the audience:Exactly, you know what is really interesting..

Oprah: A busy life does not mean you have a full one though.

Woman: I have a relationship with a man at work who's, who's a best friend. And he's had relationships with at least twenty some women in the company. Sometimes if there are twelve people in the department, he's probably had a relationship with 10 women in that same department. They all seem to be, you know, they don't know, they all seem to think they are the number one and the only one in his life. And he is just...has this cycling path.

Oprah: until they hear you on the show telling them..(audience laughing)

Oprah: Do you have this issue? Do...Are man... do you find that man are intimidated 7 by you? Are you in a current relationship?

Woman: Yeah.. definitely.. As a matter of fact, people wonder how my husband is married to me. My husband is wonderful. And they...He is such a different person than I am. They wonder how can you tolerate her. You know. Not that I'm that difficult, but I do have certain standards and it's primarily because my mother was always so nice that I saw people take advantage of my mother. So, you know. I remember literally 8 the day when I stood in her doorway 9 watching her and I said when I grow up no one is ever going to treat me like that.

Oprah: I had the same thing because I grew up with my mother and my cousin Alice here who raised me..(introducing her cousin)my cousin Alice. And...(applause) Interestingly enough though.. My, my cousin Alice who will cry at the drop of a hat, but I would say this they did the best that they could. But my mother and my cousin Alice, I remember my cousin, we were very poor. And my cousin Alice was dating this guy. We didn't have any food. And she was going with, don't start crying Alice, it's ok. Look at her, She's gonna start crying now. Dating this guy and we didn't have any food. And I was like why are you with this guy and she says because baby, I'm gonna cry, he can get us groceries. And so I said "I will not be the kind of woman that has to grow up and date a man who...because I need groceries.

Yeah..

And so, in that way my cousin Alice and my mother were role models for me... because I will never wanna to be dependent on a man for groceries or a pocket book. Hah....

What you mean...