访谈录 Interview 2007-08-25&08-27, 情侣吵架，有助感情？

All couples argue at some point in their relationship. and many experts believe that actually a good thing. But how you argue and what you argue about could make the difference between building a healthy relationship and one that's headed for divorce.

Don’t embarrass me .Don’t make a scene now. Don’t make a scene, Don’t embarrass me. You gotta nerve. (keep you voice down, OK, we are in a public place, Franer, control yourself, alright?),I’ll tell u what is embarrassing. Being hassled by Mr in the elevator because I'm hied in the red. That's embarrassing. Worrying about how I am gonna get my kid to college. That’s embarrassing. Do you know something? you never listen for 20 years? You never ever listen.

Doctor Janet Taylor is a psychologist at Harlem Hospital in New York, and David Zinczenko is the editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine. Good morning to both of you.

Good morning. So we all argue a little bit differently I think men and women do, right? David?

Yeah, they do. And I look, I think women are just a little bit better at it, I mean, from certain stance, it's... yeah
Thank you, no arguments here.

Since grade school they’ve been, you know, engaging in conflict resolution and expressing themselves much better than guys. I mean, when is the last time you saw a woman in a bar fight, I mean, guys are used to, you know, there are still a bit of a learning curve there, and those intense emotions. Sometimes tend to freak them out.

Are we just better negotiators? Is that what it is?

I think, I think our brains are wired differently, and as Dave said, I mean, men when they face emotion sometimes will back off or respond really aggressively. Whereas women will kind of take it in but wanna maintain the relationship. So we can, we take a little time and that allows us to find our words.

So Dr. Taylor, how do you argue so that it doesn't set things off in the wrong direction? How can you keep it healthy?

Well, I think that understanding that arguing is a form of communication. But there are rules that you can use and you need to fight fair, which is like as the piece showed, and set a leading with you never, you always say, listen, I feel this when you do that, and then we should argue to understand and be understood as opposed to bullying 1 someone into making them agree with us.

And I will also add like, to just avoid zingers. It's like sometimes the biggest relationship, you know, predictor of a relationship demise 2 that increased use of sarcasm 3 in a relationship.

We can’t take those words back too. Yeah, I mean those things haunt.

They linger.