8 things to master before you’re 30

 8 things to master before you’re 30

Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted 1: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to fifty-one, all consuming cold beverages 2 on a Sunday afternoon. Each point was discussed, dissected 3, nodded at proudly, and amended 5 with stories—including one of a man-boy shitting the couch. But that tale is for another article. So go ahead, call me sexist for being a kind, blonde soul and doling 6 out some advice. Or just jerk off to a picture of the chicks’ shiny tits in the sidebar, release some pent-up rage, and hear me out. The most popular points of what to know before you’ve reached the big 3-0.

8 At least one amazing meal
Let’s start with a sad fact: That metabolism 7 is going to catch up with you. We know twelve dollars worth of Taco Bell and Angus Burgers are am-azing. You have to kind of start caring about what you eat and not depending on fast food for every meal. Next point: Wining and dining is not a myth. Getting that special friend revved 8 up for play starts with some good eats. Sure, you can drain your wallet at the nearest Olive Garden and toss her some free, stale breadsticks while whipping out your cock. Or, you can put together that meal you’ve perfected and look like a total, oh-so-manly pro 4. Cooking can be fun (not like, “Wee!” fun, but like, “Wow, I made this and it actually tastes decent” fun). Props 9 to the men who can make the best breakfast.
7 Not dressing 10 like a douche
Don’t feel obligated to don a suit, tie, and freshly shaved face. Just ditch the khaki cargo 11 shorts (they’re flesh-colored, need we say anymore?), tell your collar to settle the f-ck down, and banish 12 the shiny, neon, chest-hair-showing, label-screaming, rhinestone-y-shit. You’re getting old. No one wants to see that. Dressing like a sexy D.I.L.F. will take some practice knowing what you’re comfortable in and probably the hand of a good woman who knows what WWD stands for.
6 Basic car maneuvers 13
Do you have to deem someone else responsible while attempting to parallel park? Does your forehead become damp at the prospect 14 of backing into tight spot? (Everything about that sentence made me squirm—in a good way.) My last car was covered in duct tape for a reason. But the men we chatted with swear that a dude who becomes flustered 15 by a three-point turn deserves a shameful 16 sigh. Practice your skills in a nearby church parking lot like I let my 13-year-old sister do when I was baked in high school (probably why she’s a much better driver than me). Or just do what I did and move to a public transportation-infested city so no one has to become a victim of your awful depth perception.
5 Liquor
Kick off this key stepping stone to manlihood by memorizing a staple 17 cocktail 18 — Manhattan, anyone? Sure, Ice Houses were never really rad to begin with, but they become even more socially unacceptable in general as everyone around you gains, um, success. Manhattan (or dry martini) mastered? Well, look at you, you elegant dick. Try tackling the challenge of learning to hold your liquor next. Puking your innards out is only permissible 19 at bachelor parties, behind closed doors, and when you become a famous alcoholic 20 novelist. Proceed by knowing how to open a bottle of wine, and not cringing 21 when popping a bottle of champagne 22.
4 Defusing a situation
There comes a time in every man’s life where getting his finger bitten off in a bar after starting a brawl 23 is not tough. Nor is having your girl bust 24 you out of jail (even though back in the day that was so punk rock). Be that guy everyone loves: “No, no, no, let’s calm it down everyone,” he says, glowing, as two backwards-cap wearing “Ivy League” dogs bark at one another outside of the pub. Women swoon at the sidelines, on looking guys kick the dust on the ground, wishing they could be as stoic 25 as you.
3 Technology/sex etiquette 26
This category includes the following: A) Realizing the appropriate cut-off time for a booty-call, B) Texting to turn on (and thus, not repulse), and C) Learning to seduce 27 via Skype sex. It’s the age of new media. Get with the times, kid. Some dudes disagreed with me on the video chat sex bit, but let me just say this: Get a girlfriend, travel for business, enjoy coaxing 28 said woman into unleashing 29 her inner Internet porn persona. We all have them in there somewhere. And hey, it’s free.
One overriding 30 consensus 31 under this point: Texting dick pics = Meh. You’d be better snapping a shot of your hair looking especially cute, because I’m really wanting to pull it right about now.
2 Changing a tire — and a diaper
We’ve met women who have actually fallen in love with guys who have nonchalantly changed a tire in an end-of-vacation crisis. Hooray for independence and having the know-how 32 to solve a problem! Feel as comfortable changing a newborn’s soiled, gag-inducing diaper as you do that tire? We’ll be sure to drink to your high level or modern manliness 33. If you want the future mother of your children to take care of all that shit for you while you run around and mow 34 the lawn and scratch your balls, consider becoming one of those sex tourists in Thailand. But first you should make some cash money. We hear you’ll have a lot of competition with other damaged-ego white dudes. We also hear their food is cheap, spicy 35, and delicious! Mmm!
1 Oral sex
Okay, okay totally biased 36. (I’m actually transparently 37 biased on everything, but you guys still want to read my shit and virtually befriend me, so whatever.) You know I already care about spreading the good word on getting a girl off. Great, fulfilling sex is just the launching pad for a click-your-heels-at-the-end-of-the-day sort of life. And it all begins down there. And maybe this point is a metaphor 38 for mastering the art of being more considerate of others. Morality and great oral? Anyone?
Got any questions or advice you want this blonde, sexist broad to talk about? Send me a message on Facebook.