六人行FriendsMP3 823-24

The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Parts I and II)

Transcribed 1 by: ?

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[Scene: The hospital registration 2 desk. Ross wheels in Rachel.]

Ross: All right! Yes! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!

Rachel: Yes, the hard part is truly over.

Ross: Well, come on, we抮e off to a great start, aren抰 we?

(He kisses her on the forehead.)

Rachel: Mm.

Ross: But we抮e here, aren抰 we? I knew I抎 get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!

(Phoebe and Monica come up.)

Phoebe: Aw, you made it!

Rachel: Hiii.

Monica: How are you doing?

Ross: How the hell did you beat us here?

Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

Ross: No! No, we took a cab too, but I, I did test runs!

(Chandler and Joey appear with snacks.)

Chandler: Hi.

Joey: Ah, you made it!

Ross: All right, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!

Rachel: Ross, sit here and talk. I抦 going to have a baby.

(She starts wheeling herself towards the desk.)

Ross: Oh, ok. (They go up to the desk) Hi, this is Rachel Green and I抦 Ross Geller. We called from the car.

Registration Lady: Right. We抳e got a semi-private room waiting for you, so why don抰 I just -

Rachel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Semi-private? We, we, we asked for a private room.

Registration Lady: Yes, I see that here, but we can抰 guarantee everyone a private room and currently there aren抰 any available.

Chandler: Man, if only you had gotten here sooner.

Registration Lady: I抦 sorry, semi-private rooms are all we have.

Rachel: Ok, just give us a second. Ross.

Ross: Yeah.

(He wheels her away.)

Rachel: Give them some money.

Ross: I really think they抮e out of rooms.

Rachel: They抮e not, Ross, they抮e just saving them for the important people!! What, what if I was the president?

Ross: Then we抎 be in a lot of trouble. You don抰 know where any countries are. Ok. (goes up to the desk) Say, would you, would you mind checking again and see if any private rooms have opened up?

(He offers her the money.)

Registration Lady: This is a hospital.

(Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: You knwo what, I have to say that I don抰 care for your tone and this isn抰 the only hospital in the city and we have no problem to - Whoa. Whoa.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Contraction 3. (sits down) Ow, ow, ow, ooh, ooh, ah...

Registration Lady: Would you like a semi-private room?

Rachel: Yeah, it wouldn抰 hurt to look.

(Ross wheels her off.)

Opening Credits


[Scene: Rachel抯 semi-private room. Dr. Long is checking up on her.]

Dr. Long: Well, you抮e only dilated 4 two centimeters and you need to get to ten, so it might take awhile.

Rachel: Ok.

Dr. Long: I抣l be back in an hour to check you again.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Thank you.

(Dr. Long leaves.)

Rachel: I guess we have some time to kill.

Ross: Yeah. I guess so. Check these out.

(He points to the stirrups in the other bed.)

Rachel: Uh huh.

(Ross lays on the bed and puts his legs on the stirrups.)

Ross: Never done this before.

Rachel: yeah, well, it looks good.

(A young couple enters.)

Man: (to nurse) Thank you very much.

(Ross tangles 5 up the stirrups as he gets off the bed.)

Ross: Hi, I抦 Ross. I抦 here to destroy this magical day for you.

Man: Aw, no, no, not at all.

Woman: Don抰 worry about it.

Man: Mark Korger [?], and this is my wife Julie.

(They shake hands.)

Ross: Hi Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Ross: This is Rachel.

Rachel: Hey, how are you?

Julie: Fine. Is this your first?

Rachel: Yeah.

Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third.

Ross: Oh.

Julie: If you have any questions or need anything at all, just holler.

Rachel: That抯 sweet.

Ross: Yeah. Uh, say, I don抰 want to disturb you, so I抣l put this up.

(He starts pulling out the curtain.)

Mark: Oh, nonsense, we抮e in this together.

Julie: We抮e going to share every moment of this with you. and I think we抮e going to have some fun.

Ross: Oh, I guess.

Mark: Hey, smile.

Rachel: I don抰 want any - (He snaps a picture anyway) Thank you. Oh, Ross.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Here comes another contraction.

Ross: Oh, just breathe.

Julie: Oh, honey, I think I抦 having one too!

(Rachel and Julie moan/scream at the same time and Mark takes a picture.)

[Scene: The waiting area. The rest of the gang is sitting there, reading.]

Phoebe: Ugh, three hours and still no baby. The miracle of birth sure is a snoozefest.

Monica: Hey, you want to see something?

Phoebe: Sure, what?

Monica: This is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Honey?

Chandler: Yeah.

(Monica sits on his chair抯 arm. )

Monica: Listen, I抳e been doing some thinking. I don抰 know if it抯 because I抦 here, or that Rachel抯 giving birth, but um, I think that we should try to have a baby.

Chandler: Ok.

Monica: What was that, now?

Chandler: I said, ok. I抳e been thinking about it too and I think we抮e ready.

(Monica jumps up and freaks out.)

Monica: Wh-! Are you kidding me? You think we抮e ready to have a baby now?

Phoebe: You抮e right, this is fun.

Joey: You抮e ready to have a baby? My boy抯 all grown up!

Chandler: You said you were ready too!

Monica: Yeah, but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird 6 like mine is now!

Chandler: Yes, but haven 7抰 you wanted a kid for, like, ever?

Monica: Just back off, mister. Because I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.

(Joey looks up.)

Joey: (high voice) What?! Are you crazy?!

(Monica points at him.)

Monica: That was all I wanted!!

(She sits back down, satisfied.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross is giving Rachel a back rub. Mark pulls open the curtain.]

Mark: I抦 sorry, the doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Rachel: That抯 really very, very ok.

Mark: Julie抯 cervix is dilated seven centimeters. That抯 about four fingers. (They both hold up four fingers) The doctor let me feel it myself.

Julie: Have you felt Rachel抯 cervix, Ross?

Rachel / Ross: We won抰 be doing that.

Julie: Well, if you like, you can feel Rachel抯 and then feel mine to compare.

(Judy Geller enters.)

Judy: Am I interrupting?

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Yes, thank you.

Rachel: No...

Ross: Later.

Rachel: No, you can抰 leave me alone with these people.

Ross: Oh, uh, I抦 sorry.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: No, no, Ross, Ross... My child has no father!

(Cut to outside the room.)

Ross: Hi. Oh. (They hug and kiss) I抦 so glad you抮e here, but it抯 going to be awhile and I wish you called first.

Judy: Ok, that抯 all right, I抦 coming back later with your father.

Ross: Oh.

Judy: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.

Ross: What抯 up?

Judy: I brought you something to give to you. Assuming, of course, that you want it.

(She holds up a ring.)

Ross: Ma, you抮e asking me to marry you?

Judy: This is your grandmother抯 engagement ring. I want you to give it to Rachel.

Ross: Mom, no, thank you.

Judy: Just hear me out.

Ross: No, no! Ok? We, we been through this. We憆e not going to get married just because she抯 pregnant.

Judy: Honestly, Ross, this isn抰 just some girl that you picked up in the bar and...humped. A child should have a family.

Ross: Ma, you know that, I can抰 deal with this right now.

Judy: Just think about it. (holds out the ring) If you don抰, I抣l talk more about humping.

Ross: Give me that.

(He puts it in his pocket. Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Hi!

Judy: Hi, dear.

Rachel: Thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!

(He does. Judy leaves.)

[Scene: The waiting area. It抯 nighttime. Ross is talking to the gang.]

Ross: She came to drag me out of the labor 9 room to ask me why I抦 not with Rachel.

Phoebe: Yeah... Why aren抰 you with Rachel?

Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we抮e not going to be together just because we抮e having a baby, ok?

Phoebe: But it just seems that you two should be together.

Ross: Oh, stop it. I can抰 go through with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Phoebe: All right. And with who again?

(Ross leaves.)

Joey: He抯 crazy! Why doesn抰 he want to be with Rachel?

Monica: I know!

Joey: Seriously, she抯 the perfect woman. I mean, I know she turned me down, but if she hadn抰, and she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... (they抮e all watching him) I haven抰 bummed 10 you guys out like this in awhile.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross enters. A new couple is unpacking 11.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Who抯 that?

Rachel: New people.

Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Rachel: They抮e having their baby. It抯 not fair, Ross, I got here first! Right after you left, they wheeled her to delivery. Oh, but not before she gave me a nice, juicy shot of little Jamie, crowning away.

Ross: Ah, sorry. So, how are the new people?

Rachel: Well, they have some weird pet names for each other. Including, uh, Evil Bitch and, uh, Sick Bastard 12. Oh, gosh, contraction.

Rachel: Oh.

Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?

Sick Bastard: No!

Evil Bitch: Don抰 look at her, you sick bastard!

Sick Bastard: Honey, I swear, I wasn抰 looking at her!

Evil Bitch: She抯 in labor! You like that, you sick son of a bitch?

Ross: Uh, I抦 just going to...

(He closes the curtains.)

Evil Bitch: See, it抯 because you were looking, you sick pervert 13.

Ross: No, no, I抦 sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy.

Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?

Ross: Just ignore them.

(Ross tucks Rachel in while Sick Bastard sits on a chair and stares at them.)

Rachel: Ross, Ross.

Ross: What?

Rachel: He抯 looking at me.

Ross: Hey! (opens curtains) You want to live to see the birth of your baby?

Evil Bitch: Don抰 talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard.

(Ross and Rachel shrug 14. Sick Bastard pulls back the curtains.)

[Scene: Outside the nursery. Chandler is looking in the window. Monica comes up.]

Monica: Oh, good God! If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it! (The nurse inside stares at them. They walk away from the window) What is wrong with you? Since when have you been so crazy about babies?

Chandler: I抦 not crazy about the babies. I抦 crazy about us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Oh, we抳e always talked about having babies someday. I抦 not saying we have to right now, but I抦 starting to think that we can handle it. We抮e god. We抮e really good.

(They kiss.)

Monica: We are pretty good.

Chandler: But nothing has to happen until you抮e ready.

Monica: Maybe I抦 ready now. It抯 a little scary, but maybe it抯 right.

Chandler: What?! It抯 not right! We抮e not ready to have a kid now!!

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I抦 kidding. This is going to be fun.

Monica: So, we抮e gonna try? I mean, we抮e trying?

Chandler: We抮e trying to get pregnant. (they kiss) You know what, I抦 not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?

Monica: All right, hold on a second.

(She starts counting on her fingers.)

Chandler: Period math?

Monica: yeah. Oh, we could start trying now.

Chandler: Right here?

Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.

Chandler: Maybe it抯 perfect. We have a lot of time to kill and we抮e in a building that抯 full of beds!

Monica: It抯 so clean!

(They walk off with their arms around each other.)

Commercial Break


[Scene: A hall with vending 15 machines. Phoebe gets a Sprite while Joey shakes the snack machine.]

Joey: Come on, you stupid machine, come on!

Phoebe: Aw, it ate your money?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: All right, I抣l see you downstairs then.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: Bye.

(She leaves. Joey continues shaking the poor machine.)

Joey: Hey, I got one, I got one!

(He grabs what looks like a bag of chips.)

(Cut to Phoebe at the elevators. A guy in a wheelchair with his right leg in a cast is there waiting.)

Phoebe: Hi.

Guy: Hi. Oh, uh, up or down?

Phoebe: Down, please. (He tries to press it, but the cast is sticking out and in the way) I hate to be a ball buster, but can I just do it?

(She pushes the button.)

Guy: Could you please press the up key?

Phoebe: Sure. (she does) I feel so bad for you, I broke my leg once too.

Guy: Really? What happened?

Phoebe: It抯 a long story and it抯 really embarrassing. let抯 just say that there was a typographical error on a sex manual. How about you?

Guy: Car accident.

Phoebe: Uh, let me guess. Some idiot on a cell phone wasn抰 paying attention?

Guy: Yeah. Me.

(The door opens.)

Phoebe: Ok.

Guy: Oh, hey, that抯 me. (gets in) Hey, uh, I take it you抮e visiting someone.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Guy: Well, if you have some time and you like to visit someone else...

Phoebe: Yeah, uh huh. I would like that!

Guy: I抦 in room -

(The door closes.)

Phoebe: Wait!! Wait!! No!! Elevator!! Ele - !!! Oh!

(Joey walks up.)

Joey: Oh, you gotta press the button.

(He does.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross enters.]

Ross: The nurse said to bring in another woman.

(Rachel is standing 16 at the side of the bed.)

Rachel: Uh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn抰 need to be. She抣l still have the baby before I do. Oh, Ross, another contraction!

Ross: Here, here. (he stands behind her and holds her hands) That抯 it, that抯 it.

(The woman is wheeled in.)

Woman: Ooh, that sounds like a bad one.

Rachel: Yeah, it is.

Woman: I haven抰 had one so bad. Ooh, here comes one now! (makes some weird noise...it抯 obviously not a bad contraction) Well, that was a big one.

(Rachel motions to Ross and he closes the curtains.)

[Scene: The registration desk. Phoebe goes up.]

Phoebe: Excuse me. Could you help me? The patient I抦 looking for has a broken leg, he抯 in a wheelchair, and he抯 like in his early to mid 17 thirties, very attractive.

Registration Lady 2: I know who you抮e talking about.

Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! What room number is he in?

Registration Lady 2: I抦 sorry. That information is restricted to hospital standards.

(Joey walks up.)

Joey: (in his soap opera voice) Uh, she抯 with me. Dr. Drake Remoray.

(He shakes hands with her.)

Registration Lady 2: Dr. Drake who?

Joey: Remoray. It抯 Portuguese 18. We need that information, I抦 a doctor.

Registration Lady 2: A doctor at this hospital?

Joey: Dammit, woman, we抮e losing time! Now, do you want this man抯 blood on your head?

Phoebe: Hands.

Joey: ...hands? It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room that man my assistant just described is staying in. He抯 a patient of mine. I抳e been treating him for years.

Registration Lady 2: He抯 in room 816.

Joey: 816. Thank you!

Phoebe: Thank you.

Joey: And what is his name?

Phoebe: No...

(She drags him away.)

[Scene: An empty room. Chandler and Monica peek 19 in and enter.]

Monica: We found a place.

Chandler: Ok.

(They start making out.)

Monica: Wait, don抰 we have to set the mood a little?

Chandler: Oh. We抣l dim the lights, dim the lights. (he hits the switch and they go completely out) Or, turn them out altogether. No scented 20 candles... Oh, here, here we go.

(He sprays air freshener over the bed that Monica is laying on.)

Monica: Ok, ok. Making me sterile 21, but ok. (They start making out on the bed) That抯 right. (starts unbuttoning her shirt) Oh, wait, do we have a condom? ...Oh, that抯 right.

(They continue until the lights turn on and a nurse stands in the doorway 22, looking at them.)

Chandler: Oh yes, 98.6 You抮e going to be fine.

(He gets off her.)

[Scene: The hall. Joey and Phoebe search for room 816.]

Phoebe: Oh, this is it.

(She peeks 23 in. The guy is eating.)

Joey: Great. Great. Go.

Phoebe: Wait a second. Or maybe, you could go in first.

(Joey peeks in.)

Joey: He抯 not really my type.

Phoebe: No, not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. you could ask him questions and see what he抯 like. People tell doctors everything.

Joey: You said he was this great guy.

Phoebe: All the guys I meet seem real nice at first, but then they seem like the biggest jerks!

Joey: You do attract some stinkers.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(She starts messing with a tray of instruments, which includes a stethoscope.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Dr. Long is back.]

Rachel: Dr. Long, I抳e been in labor for seventeen hours. Three women have come and gone with their babies. You have got give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: Three.

Ross: Three?! I抦 dilated three!!!

Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Long: Don抰 worry. You抮e doing great. I抣l be back soon.

(She leaves.)

Rachel: Hey, y択now what, I抦 not waiting. I抦 going to push the baby out. I, I mean, three centimeters, it抯 gotta be like this.

(She holds her hands about eight centimeters apart.)

Ross: Actually, it抯 more like this.

(He pushes them in.)

Rachel: Ugh, stupid metric system.

(A woman gets wheeled in on a bed, screaming.)

Doctor: Oh my. We need to take you straight to the delivery room.

(She抯 wheeled out.)

Rachel: For the love of God!!

Woman: It抯 coming, it抯 coming!

Doctor: And here it is!

(The baby cries.)

Rachel: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Room 816. Joey enters as Dr. Drake Remoray, and wearing a white doctor抯 jacket.]

Joey: Hey, I抦 Dr. Drake Remoray and I抳e got a few routine questions I need to ask you.

Guy: But, really, I抳e been dealing 24 with Dr. Wells.

Joey: I know, but just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview 25 of your status and he sent me.

Guy: Dr. Wells is a woman.

Joey: That was a test. You passed. All right. Full name.

Guy: Clifford Burnett.

Joey: Date of birth?

Cliff: November 16, 1968.

Joey: Age?

Cliff: Can抰 you figure that out based on my date of birth?

Joey: I抦 a doctor, Cliff, not a mathematician 26.

Cliff: I抦 33.

Joey: Oh. And, uh, are you married?

Cliff: No.

Joey: Thirty-three and single? So, would you say you have commitment issues?

Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?

(Joey flips 27 through the papers on the clipboard.)

Joey: Yes.

Cliff: Well, uh, if you must know, I抦 a widower 28.

Joey: Uh, that抯 terrible. I抦 really sorry.

Cliff: Yeah.

Joey: Do you sleep with women and never call them again?

Cliff: No.

Joey: Excellent, excellent. And, uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually?

Cliff: Uh, no!

Joey: Ooh, wrong answer.

(He leaves.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. A nurse holds open the door.]

Nurse: This room抯 available.

Rachel: Ok, ok, wait. Listen to me. Listen to me. Since I have been waiting, for women, that抯 for, one centimeter more than I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies. I抦 next. It抯 my turn. It抯 only fair!! If you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I抦 going to sue you! (the nurse looks a bit scared) Not this hospital, I抦 going to sue you! And my husband, he抯 a lawyer.

Ross: Uh, Rach.

Rachel: You get back on that case, honey!!

Nurse: I don抰 think the next patient is very far along.

Rachel: Oh, so wheel her in.

(It抯...wait for it...)

Janice: Oh...my...Gawd!!

(Ross and Rachel stare at her in horror...so does the transcriber 29.)

Commercial Break


[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. It抯 daytime.]

Janice: I cannot believe this!

Ross: And yet somehow it抯 true.

Janice: I mean, this is so great. We抮e going to be baby buddies 30!

(She laughs.)

Ross: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby抯 ears.

(Janice抯 husband enters with a pillow.)

Janice抯 husband: Hi, sweetie.

Janice: Hi. Hi, sweetheart. This is my husband, Sid. I don抰 think you抳e met. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist 31抯 office where I go for adult acne.

(She laughs.)

Sid: I still can抰 believe it. I抦 the luckiest guy in the world.

Ross: Really?

Sid: What抎 he say?

Janice: You know what, you have to talk really loudly when you抮e talking to Sid because he抯 almost completely deaf.

Ross / Rachel: Oh, there you go. / Oh, I get it.

Janice: So, congratulations you two. I didn抰 even know you got married.

Rachel: No...

Ross: No, no, we didn抰.

Janice: What?

Ross: Oh, we抮e just having this baby together. That抯 all.

Janice: WHY?!!!

Ross: Well, uh, uh, we抮e not in that place. But we抮e very excited about all this.

Janice: Oh! Well, then shut me up.

(She laughs.)

Rachel: All right, just tell me how.

Janice: Uh oh, I feel another one coming.

(She starts making these really high, loud, extremely annoying sounds.)

Ross: Sid, you lucky deaf bastard.

[Scene: Outside room 816. Joey is telling Phoebe all Cliff抯 stats.]

Phoebe: What else, what else?

Joey: Uh, he抯 33.

Phoebe: Oh.

Joey: A widower.

Phoebe: Oh...

Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy!

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Joey: Oh, but he抯 not into anything weird, sexually.

Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.

(She goes in.)

[Scene: A dark, empty room. Chandler and Monica enter. They immediately start marking out.]

Chandler: Should we tell Rachel that there抯 an empty private room right next to one of hers?

Monica: We could. Or we could have sex in it.

Chandler: Let me think about that...while I remove my pants!

(They make out some more...)

Monica: Oh, mister! (lays down on the bed) Fertilize 32 me! (they commence making out. Then they hear this weird cry that sounds something like a sheep baa-ing.) Is that Janice?

Chandler: If not, then I think there抯 two of them. And that would mean it抯 the end of the world.

(They hurriedly get up.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Chandler and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: (exhausted) Hi Mon.

Monica: I can抰 believe it抯 taking so long. How are you feeling?

Rachel: Oh, not bad. You know that feeling when you抮e trying to blow a Saint Bernard through your ass 8?

Chandler: Weirdest 33 thing. Did I hear - (Ross opens the curtain to reveal Janice in the other bed) Mother of God, it抯 true.

Janice: Chandler Bing!

Chandler: J-Janice!

Ross: Not just Janice. Janice in labor. Contractions 34 and everything.

Janice: Oh, this is easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember, Chandler.

(She laughs.)

Chandler: Janice, I didn抰 even know you were pregnant. Who抯 the unwilling 35 human whose essence you抳e stolen?

Janice: It抯 you. This is yours.

Chandler: What?!

Janice: Aah, look how nervous he gets!! We haven抰 slept together in years!!!

(She laughs.)

Chandler: That抯 funny. Does it, does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?!

[Scene: Room 816. Phoebe is sitting with Cliff.]

Phoebe: Ok, I抳e got one for you. If you had to, which one would you rather eat? A seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla 36?

Cliff: I抎 have to say, the talking gorilla. At least I could explain to him that you抮e making me eat it.

Phoebe: Somebody went to college! Wow. (Cliff is fidgeting) What is it?

Cliff: I抦 sorry. It抯 just that my foot itches 37 like crazy.

Phoebe: Oh, I抣l get it.

(She grabs a spoon.)

Cliff: Wow, I thought I抎 get to know a girl before I let her spoon me.

Phoebe: Relax, it抯 not like we抮e forking.

(She wipes off the spoon and sticks it inside the cast to scratch his foot.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Janice is being taken away.]

Janice: Ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwww!!!

Rachel: Oh, that抯 five, Ross, five women have had five babies. And I have had no babies!! Why doesn抰 she want to come out?!

Ross: You know what I think it is? I think you抳e made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she doesn抰 want to leave.

Rachel: Ooh...look at you making a crack for me...

(She starts having a contraction. Dr. Long enters.)

Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours. You抮e a hero.

Rachel: Oh, but you gotta do something! You gotta give me drugs! Or you could just light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.

Dr. Long: Actually, I think you抮e ready to go to the delivery room.

Rachel: What?

Dr. Long: Ten centimeters. You抮e about to become a mom.

Rachel: Oh my God! Ok! (another lady enters) Ha ha ha, beat ya, sucka!!

[Scene: Room 816. Phoebe and Cliff are eating pudding.]

Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast?

Phoebe: You know what? This one is.

(She looks at it and eats off it anyway.)

Cliff: Oh my God, that抯 the doctor that was in my room before!!

(Joey is on DOOL on the tv.)

Phoebe: Huh. Oh, Mr. [???].

Cliff: I抦 telling you, that guy from that show was here, in my room, asking me all these weird questions!

Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a tv show was here in your room?

(Joey bursts in.)

Joey: Rachel抯 having her baby!!... (Dr. Drake voice) Which is of no interest to me, as a neurologist. Uh...

Cliff: That抯 him. You know him?

Phoebe: Uh oh. Oh. Uh, this, I sent Joey in here to find out stuff about you. If it, if it helps, you came out great. A lot better than I抦 coming off now.

Cliff: I抦 sorry, but you got him to coming in here as some fake doctor?

Joey: Fake? Oh, excuse me! (points at the tv) Does this look fake to you?

Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy?

Phoebe: Oh. That was wrong. I抦 sorry. I抦 so sorry. It抯 just that I like you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?

Cliff: I don抰 think so.

Joey: Look, Cliff, you, you told me a lot of personal stuff about yourself. Maybe, maybe it抎 help if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Um, she gave birth to her brother抯 triplets. Oh, oh, her, her twin sister used to do porn! Uh...

Phoebe: Joey, we抮e tying to dial down the crazy.

Joey: Oh.

Phoebe: Um, look, we don憈, we don抰 really know each other, so it抎 be really easy to forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don抰 know about you, but that doesn抰 seem to happen to me a lot.

Cliff: It doesn抰 happen to me either.

Joey: (sad) Me either.

[Scene: The delivery room. Rachel is giving birth.]

Dr. Long: Push. Push. Push for five more seconds. Five...four...

Rachel: (quickly) Three, two, one!!

Dr. Long: Ok, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.

Rachel: Oh, I can抰 push anymore, I can抰, I can抰!

Ross: Sweetie, you抮e doing a wonderful job.

Rachel: Oh, I got twenty more seconds more, Ross!!

Dr. Long: Oh, here we got. Keep pushing. Push. Wait. I see something.

Ross: You do? (he looks) Oh my God.

Rachel: Don抰 say oh my God. Oh my God what?!

Ross: What抯 that?

Dr. Long: It抯 the baby抯 buttocks. She抯 breech.

Ross: oh, I thought she had two heads.

Rachel: Is she ok?

Dr. Long: She抯 going to be fine. But she抯 in a difficult position, so you抮e going to have to push even harder.

Ross: Come on, go, go!

Dr. Long: Rachel, you抮e going to have to push even harder, nothing抯 happening.

Rachel: I抦 sorry, I can抰!!

Ross: Hey, hey, come on, I know you can do this, let抯 go.

Rachel: I can抰. No, please, can you do it for me?

Ross: No, come on. One final push. One, two, three.

(Rachel pulls her head up, knocking Ross to the floor.)

Dr. Long: Good.

Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!

Rachel: Are you ok?

(Ross gets up.)

Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (Dr. Long and Rachel stare at him) Keep going!!!

Dr. Long: Here we go!

Ross: She抯 upside down, but she抯 coming, she抯 coming!

Rachel: Oh God!

Ross: Oh my God, she抯 here. (Dr. Long holds up the baby) Oh my God, she抯 perfect. Oh.

Rachel: Wow. She抯 so tiny! (They take her away) Where抎 she go? Where抎 she go?

Ross: They抮e just, they抮e just wrapping her up.

Rachel: Oh, well, be careful with her, she抯 really tiny.

Dr. Long: Here she is!

(She hands her to Rachel. The baby cries. Ross kisses her.)

Rachel: Hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. Aw, I know. Oh, she抯 looking at me. Hi! I love you.

Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?

Rachel: No, not yet.

Dr. Long: For now, we抣l just call her Baby Girl Green.

Rachel: Oh no. Baby Girl Geller-Green. (she kisses her) Hello Baby Girl...

Commercial Break


[Scene: Rachel抯 private room. Night. She抯 holding the baby and Ross is taking pictures. The gang is at the door. Phoebe comes in.]

Phoebe: Can we come in?

Ross: Come on in, yeah.

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Oh, there she is!

Monica: She抯 so beautiful. Oh my God, she抯 amazing. (she holds her) I抦 so glad that you guys got drunk and had sex!

Chandler: It抯 incredible. I mean, one minute she抯 inside of you, and forty-seven hours later, here she is.

(Monica hands her to Joey.)

Joey: She looks so real. Y択now what I mean! She抯 already this little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh oh.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Oh no, no. For a moment there I thought she had six fingers, but one was on the other hand, so...

Phoebe: Oh, my turn. My turn.

Joey: Here抯 Aunt Phoebe.

(He hands her over.)

Phoebe: Oh, you抮e so cute! Oh. I could squeeze your little head! But I won抰.

(Rachel is crying.)

Monica: What抯 the matter?

Rachel: Nothing, I just can抰 stop crying.

Ross: The doctor said this is all completely normal and plus, you抮e sleep deprived.

Rachel: Oh, you guys are all sleep deprived and I don抰 see you weeping because you put your slippers 38 on the wrong foot. Oh gosh.

Joey: What抯 the matter now?

Rachel: I was re-living it!

Chandler: you already know what you抮e going to call her yet?

Phoebe: Oh, she抯 not going to be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!

Ross: Actually, we, we narrowed it down to two names.

Rachel: Yeah, and you know what, I love them both. So why don抰 you just pick one and that抣l be it?

Ross: Well, um, ok. Uh, everyone, this is Isabella.

All: Aww. / Hi, Isabella! / etc.

Rachel: Oh...

(She starts crying.)

Ross: What?

Rachel: That抯 not her name! I抦 sorry, she just doesn抰 feel like an Isabella.

Chandler: So I guess Ferdinand is out.

Joey: What was the other one, Ross?

Ross: Um, Delilah.

Rachel: Oh great. Suddenly she sounds like a Biblical whore.

Ross: Uh, so, I guess we抮e back to Baby Girl.

Phoebe: Yay!

Rachel: Well, what are we going to do?

Monica: It抯 ok, sweetie, you抮e going to find a name.

Ross: Uh, that抯 easy for you to say. You already know what your kids?names will be.

Chandler: You do?

Monica: Yeah. I had them picked out since I was fourteen.

Chandler: Oh no, it抯 going to be named after some snack or baked good, isn抰 it?

Rachel: Well, tell us, what are they?

Monica: Well, if it抯 a boy, then Daniel.

Rachel: If it抯 a girl?

Monica: I don抰 want to say.

Rachel: Oh tell us. We抮e not going to want it.

Monica: Ok. It抯 Emma.

Rachel: Emma! (cries) See, I don抰 want it!

Monica: Take it.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She抯 clearly an Emma.

Rachel: Oh, but honey, you love that name.

Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides, nothing goes with Bing, so I抦 screwed. (takes Emma) Oh. Hi Emma. Yep, that抯 you. You are a little Emma. Oh, what抯 that, honey? (leans down to 揾ear?her better) Oh, you want a little cousin? You want a cousin right now?

(She looks at Chandler.)

[Scene: The hall. Chandler and Monica come out of a janitorial 39 closet. They sigh.]

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize that we may have changed our lives forever? We well be starting our own family. Nine months from now, we could be here, having our own baby.

Chandler: And if now, we got to do it on a bucket.

[Scene: Rachel抯 room. She抯 putting Emma down in one of those hospital bassinet things. Janice knocks and enters with her baby, a little boy.]

Janice: hello. Aaron Litman-Garolik [?] would like to say hello to his future bride.

Rachel: Oh. (sees the baby and gasps) Oh! He kinda takes your breath away, doesn抰 he?

Janice: He抯 a keeper. How are you feeling?

Rachel: Oh, y択now, I抦 fine.

(She sits on the bed.)

Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you抮e doing, just raising her all alone.

Rachel: Well, I抦 not doing it all alone. I have Ross.

Janice: Well, sure, now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?

Rachel: Well, then, he gets divorced. It抯 Ross.

Janice: I抦 telling you, Rachel. Listen to Janice. They all say they抮e going to be there. Until they start their real family.

Rachel: Uh, uh, that抯 never going to happen with Ross.

Janice: That抯 what I thought about my first husband, but now I抦 lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father, and the twins, and Little Miss New Boobs.

Rachel: Really?

Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey, you two are on your own.

Rachel: Well, that抯, well, you know. We抳e been alone for the last twenty minutes and that抯 ok. Besides, maybe we won抰 be alone because, lately, things have been happening between me and Ross. And right before I went into labor, we had this kiss. So it might be the beginning of something.

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Janice!

Janice: Oh hi.

Ross: Who抯 this little (sees him) guuuyyy?

Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.

Ross: No. No.

Janice: I抦 going to leave the three of you alone.

(She leaves.)

Ross: Man, did you see the kid on that nose?

(He takes off his coat and puts it on a chair.)

Rachel: You know what I was thinking about? That kiss before we left the apartment. That was something, huh?

Ross: Yeah. It really was. But we, we gotta be careful. We, we can抰 let that happen again.

Rachel: Right.

Ross: I mean, we don抰 want to go down that road, do we?

Rachel: No. No, that抯 why I brought it up. They didn抰 have any sodas 40?

Ross: Oh, I抦 sorry. I was talking to this nurse. Completely forgot.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: And so it begins.

[Scene: Outside the nursery. Ross is watching. Phoebe walks up.]

Phoebe: Is she in there?

Ross: They抮e putting her down now. That抯 her. Emma. Oh.

Phoebe: I just can抰 decide who she looks more like. You or Rachel.

Ross: What, are you kidding? She抯 gorgeous. She抯 all Rachel.

(A few seconds pass.)

Phoebe: I抦 sorry. For the last time, why aren抰 you together, again? No, I know, I know, because you抮e not in that place. Which would be fine except you totally are.

Ross: It抯, it抯 complicated, ok?

Phoebe: Yeah, that抯 true. Yeah. You love her, you always have, you have a child together. There抯 no right answer!

Ross: Look, we抳e been together. And then apart. And then together. And then apart. Now, we have a baby. It抯 just if we got together again, and it didn抰 work out...I could never do that to Emma. I mean, she came into the world thinking everything... (starts to cry) Now me! What, do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I, we抮e doing really well right now, you know?

Phoebe: I know, I know. If you tried to make it work, you might wreck 41 it. Right. Or you might get everything you抳e wanted since you were fifteen.

(Ross looks at her...)

[Scene: Rachel抯 room. She抯 thinking it all over. Joey knocks and enters.]

Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breastfeeding both of her twins at the same time. It is like a freak show up here. What抯 wrong?

Rachel: Nothing.

Joey: No, what is it?

Rachel: Really, it抯 nothing.

Joey: Rach, come on.

Rachel: I抳e just been thinking about how my baby and I are going to be all alone.

Joey: What are you talking about, alone? What about Ross?

Rachel: Oh please. He抣l be with his real family. The twins and Little Miss New Boobs.

Joey: Ok, how long was I watching that woman?

Rachel: I抦 just saying that someday Ross is going to meet somebody and he抯 going to have his own life. Right?

Joey: I guess so.

Rachel: I just never thought I抎 be raising this baby alone. It抯 pretty dumb, huh?

Joey: Hey, listen to me. you are never ever going to be alone, ok? I promise I won抰 let that happen.

Rachel: Joey, sweetie, what would I do without you?

Joey: Here. (hugs her) You don抰 have to worry about that, ok?

Rachel: Oh, honey, could you grab me my other box of tissues? They抮e right under that chair, under Ross抯 coat.

(Joey picks up the coat and the ring falls out. He gets on his knees and opens it. Background music starts. "The sign on the porch says three抯 a crowd...")

Joey: Oh my God.

Rachel: Joey? (he turns around, still on his knees and shows her the ring) Oh my God... (pause) Ok!

(Joey looks confused. He looks at the ring, and then realizes that Rachel thinks he抯 proposing.)

(Cut to the elevator. The doors open and Ross walks out, carrying a bouquet 42 of flowers. He walks down the hall. Fade to black.)

End