Opening Remarks at The Oscar

Opening Remarks at The Oscar

Thank you. Well, I'm glad they 1)cut back on all the 2)glitz. You probably noticed there was no fancy red carpet tonight. That'll send them a message! 

Now, I am so excited to be back. I didn’t host the show last year because I was - how do you say it - not asked. But, everybody has been so supportive of my hosting this year.

Writers, directors, actors. If we’re stuck here tonight and we run out of food, that’s the order of whom we eat. 

Now, before we go any further, I have a 3)confession 1 to make. Just before I came out here, I 4)licked all the Oscars. 

And many great stars are here tonight: Olivia DeHavilland is here. We have Kirk Douglas. And Margaret O’Brien. Mickey Rooney is here. Now, not a lot of people know this, but Mickey Rooney is the same age as the earth. At one point, Mickey Rooney was the biggest box office star in all the 38 states. Mickey, I salute 2 you! Where are you, Mickey? Hey! Hey! Mickey, I’m sorry we couldn’t get you a better seat but Vin Diesel 3 is here. Oh good. Mickey is 5)heckling me. Now today’s movie stars make millions of dollars but Mickey Rooney was paid in shiny beads 4.

Barbara Streisand is here, who's just here tonight to enjoy the show and direct. And there's Nicole Kidman. Now here's an interesting fact about Nicole Kidman - not a lot of people know this - Nicole Kidman has worn a fake nose in every movie she's ever made, except The Hours. Looking good, Nicole! Halle Berry is here. And notice, I am standing 5 exactly 22 feet away from Halle Berry in 6)compliance 6 with the court order. 

Tonight, Jack 7 Nicholson and Meryl Streep made Oscar history. It was backstage and it wasn't pretty. It's a big year for Jack; he also got in a hot tub with Kathy Bates. But hey, who hasn't? 

There was a lot of big movies this year. Now I loved Lord of the Rings. That was a great download! - Sorry. Theatrical 8 experience.  Now, another big movie, Chicago.  Now, I'm just being honest here, Miramax stopped at nothing to make sure Chicago was nominated. Now here's what they did, and you tell me if you think this is fair. They made a really good movie that everybody likes. 

Now there were a lot of cutbacks this year in the movie industry - lots of layoffs 9 - and now they're talking about reducing actors' salaries. For God's sake, are we insane?  Things are financially tough all over, so right now you should do what Tom Cruise does.  At the end of each week, he takes a million dollars and he just puts it away -- like it's not even there -- whether it's been a good week or a bad week, and then at the end of the year, you've got a little 7)cushion. 

Oh, sorry.  I thought I saw a non-celebrity. 

Remember, there are no losers here tonight, but we're about to change all that.  I should tell you that if you are a winner and your speech goes on too long, first you'll see flashing lights, and then the band will start to play, and then you'll feel something stick in your neck, and I would suggest that you walk toward the light; to your loved ones who are saying, "Come, you big winner, you!"

奥斯卡开幕致辞

谢谢。我很高兴地看到主办方让本次颁奖晚会回归朴实。你们也许都注意到，就连传统的红地毯都被取消了。这很说明问题！

可以回来当司仪我感到很兴奋。去年我没有份儿主持，因为……怎么说呢，因为没人找我。不过大家都很支持我今年来当司仪。

编剧、导演、演员--万一我们今晚被困在这里，而且绝粮的话，我们就会按这个次序吃掉他们。

现在，在继续开幕辞之前，我要坦白一件事：就在我上台之前，我把所有的奥斯卡奖座都舔了一遍。

今晚许多大明星都来了：奥莉维亚·德哈维兰在这里。还有柯克·道格拉斯、玛格丽特·奥布赖恩。米奇·龙尼也来了。米奇·龙尼与地球同岁，这事儿没多少人知道。值得一提的是他的影片曾经在美国38个州创造了最惊人的票房纪录。米奇，我要向你致敬！你在哪儿，米奇？嘿！嘿！米奇，很抱歉，我们不能为你安排一个更好的座位，因为那个座位坐的是温·迪塞尔。噢，很好，米奇对我嗤之以鼻。今天的电影明星进帐百万，而米奇·龙尼当时的酬劳是亮珠子。

芭芭拉·史翠珊来了，她来是为了……她来欣赏颁奖典礼和当导演。妮歌·基曼也在这里。这儿有一个关于妮歌·基曼的没多少人知道的趣闻，她以前出演的电影里戴的全是假鼻子，除了《此时此刻》这部以外。妮歌，你的假鼻子看起来好漂亮！哈莉·贝瑞就坐在那里，请留意！我与她的距离正好22英尺--完全符合法院规定的距离。

今晚杰克·尼科尔森和梅丽尔·斯特里普创造了奥斯卡之最。这事发生在后台，不那么好看。对于杰克来说这是非常重要的一年; 他还和嘉茜·比丝一起洗热水浴。不过，谁未试过呢？

今年有很多部大片。我喜欢《魔戒二部曲》，从电脑上下载太爽了！--抱歉，应该说剧院效果真是太爽了。另一部是《芝加哥》，坦白地说，米拉麦克斯电影公司不惜一切地确保《芝加哥》获得提名。他们是这么做的，大家评一评这是否公平--他们拍了一部人人都爱看的电影。

电影业今年较为萧条，很多人被裁掉，现在他们考虑要削减演员的薪酬。天啊！难道是我们疯了吗？现在各地的经济形势恶劣，所以大家都应该向汤姆·克鲁斯学习。每个周末他都会收起一百万美元，就好像根本没有过这笔钱一样，不管那一周他赚的多还是少，到年尾都会有一笔积蓄。

哦，抱歉，我以为我见到一个“非名人”。

请记着，今晚没有输家，但是我们很快要开始改变这形势。如果你们有幸得奖而致谢辞过长，那么你首先会看到闪光灯，接着乐队会开始奏乐，然后你会感到颈部有点刺痛，我建议你朝光亮处走去; 走向你的至亲好友，他们会说：“过来吧，大赢家就是你！”

注释:

1) cut back on 大量削减某事物

2) glitz [^lits] n. 浮华，诱惑力，吸引力

3) confession [kEn5feFEn] n. 承认，供认

4) lick [lik] v. 舔

5) heckle [hekl] v. 诘问，诘难

6) compliance [kmplains] n. 顺从，依从

7) cushion [5kuFEn] n. 软垫，靠垫；这里比喻为积蓄