雅思写作大作文范文评析系列之科技发展

 　　雅思写作大作文范文评析系列之科技发展

        Topic：Nowadays people can carry out tasks such as shopping and banking 1 even business transactions without meeting each other face to face. What are the effects on individuals and society? （学术类2005年，移民类2002年考题）

　　范文：
　　With the wide use of internet, the way people conduct business and live their lives has vastly changed. Many businesses have websites that allow people to conduct business, execute deals and finish transactions online, as an alternative to a lengthy 2 commute 3. Although people are thus free from the constraints 4 of geography and time, there are some consequences of this trend that demand attention.
　　文章第一句交代题目涉及的社会现象（计算机的普及使用），第二句对题目进行rephrase, 交代本文具体的写作话题，第三句是对下文论述的概括，引出下文。第三句话通常有两种写法，一种是阐明自己的观点，表明自己支持什么观点，本系列的前面两篇文章首段的第三句都是这种写法；另一种写法是不表明自己具体支持哪一方，只是简述下文讨论内容，本文采用的是第二种写法，因为本题属于讨论类题目，暗示考生需要讨论问题的两个方面。
　　Supposedly, with internet access, people are able to perform transactions and to do shopping without leaving home, but meanwhile they have to pay a heavy price for it. One of the most negative aspects is, for instance, that it alters their social behaviors and habits. For many people, to spend part of the day on the internet is quite normal. It can be expected that being addicted 5 to internet use, most of home telecommuters or internet users will become socially isolated 6. Poor social life and feelings of loneliness are those problems that are very often found among heavy users.
　　本段论述依赖网络给生活带来的负面影响。由于本段位于论述部分的首段，可见其重要性也是排在前面的。本段用了举例的方法进行论证，使用这种论证方法要选取具有普遍意义的例子，不要选择个体，个体是不备具说服力的。
　　It is also likely that people have become increasingly accustomed to living in a world that appreciates convenience and inactivity and they do not want to evade 7 those maxims 8. It gives explanations of why the sedentary lifestyle is now prevailing 9 and why people spend little time on leisure or recreational activities. Time has been spent in front of the computer or internet. The net result is that they suffer serious loss of vision, back pain and obesity 10. It is true that many people finally end up with struggling with deteriorating 11 health.
　　本段继续论述依赖网络带来的负面影响，由It is also likely that…可见其重要性是低于上段的。另外，本段论述的是过分依赖网络给身体健康带来的伤害，前段讲的是给精神健康带来的影响，从逻辑上讲，本段也应该是排在后位的。
　　Despite the negative effects, the internet has its positive implications to the well-being 12 of society. Online shoppers are able to seek out the lowest prices for items or services. Manufactures, therefore, have to improve product quality and lower price levels in an effort to win the favor of consumers and secure a stable market share. Telecommuting-working at home using a computer is a solution to traffic congestion 13, the urban air pollution and petrol use.
　　本段论述网络带给人们生活的积极影响。任何事物都有两个方面，往往这种要求给出看法的题目需要讨论正反两个方面，如果只讨论一个方面会给评卷人留下“不够客观”的印象，影响作文得分。Despite the negative effects…承上启下，使文章保持连贯。连接词的使用可以使文章增色不少，大家可以尝试在每一个新的段落使用一些连接词。
　　As outlined above, people’s growing obsession 14 with internet use, such as online shopping or banking, has both immediate 15 and long-term impact on health, social environment, lifestyles and emotional well-being. Although it is of great value from a net surfer’s perspective, people should step up efforts to minimize the negative effects.
　　本段是文章结尾段，首句用as outlined above总结全文并开启下文，也是很好的连接成分。第一句对全文的讨论进行总结，第二句针对文章讨论的问题提出建议，使讨论得到升华。