欧美人文风情第186篇:我的怪奇新宠物

 Well then, I suppose it all starts three years ago.  好吧，我想这一切都从三年前开始。

It was the 15th of August, 2011.  那是 2011 年 8 月 15 日。
I received my A-level exam results and failed to get into the university of my choice.  我收到我的 A-level 测验成绩，且没能进入我理想中的大学。
It's fair to say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was pretty darn low.  可以说我替自己感到满遗憾的。我心情该死的低落。
So the irrational 1 part of my brain decided 2 that the only way to solve this problem would be to buy a pet.  所以我大脑不理性的那部分决定，要解决这问题只能买只宠物了。
Not a normal pet, though.  然而，可不是一只普通的宠物。
No, it needed to be something different, something exciting. 不，它必须要是个与众不同的家伙、一个令人兴奋的家伙。
So I went online and did a bit of research and came across this: a bearded dragon.  于是我上网并做了点研究，然后遇见这个： 一只髭颊蜥。
It was perfect. I paid a visit to my local pet shop, located the reptile 3 section,  它太完美了。我拜访我家附近的宠物店，瞄准爬虫动物区，
and found exactly what I was looking for. 然后恰恰找到我正在找的东西。
I exchanged the money—25 pounds and 50 pence, 25 for the dragon and the 50 pee for a leftover 4 bag of wood chips.  我付了钱－－二十五镑五十便士，二十五镑买蜥蜴，五十便士买剩下的一袋木屑。
Buckled 5 the box into the passenger seat, not daring to look inside, and returned home. 把盒子用安全带扣在副驾驶座上，不敢往里面瞥一眼，然后回家。
I always remember that moment placing the box on my desk and opening it up. 我永远记得将盒子摆在我的书桌上然后打开它的那一刻。
It was glorious. He was perfect. I called him Sid.  那真是太棒了。他很完美。我叫他“喜德”。
Over the next two years, a beautiful relationship blossomed between me and Sid.  接下来的两年，我和喜德之间发展出一段美好的关系。
We did everything together. We went everywhere together.  我们什么事都一起做。我们到哪都在一块。
We were like two peas in a pod. 我们形影不离地像豆荚里的两颗豆子。
However, inevitably 6, the day came back around when I had to resit my exams for university.  不过，无可避免地，我必须重新参加我的大学考试的那天回来了。
By the grace of god, this time I passed, meaning that I would be off to university,  蒙上帝恩惠，这次我考过了，代表我将会离开去上大学，
and Sid... Well, Sid would have to go.  而喜德... 嗯，喜德得离开。
He was given away to a loving family, whom I'm sure provided him the level of love and affection that we had shared over the past two years.  他被送给一个慈爱的家庭，我相信他们会给予他我们过去两年来共享那种程度的爱和感情。
But still, it was a sad day. 但尽管如此，那还是个悲伤的日子。
I think about him sometimes.  我有时会想他。
I wonder whether he thinks about me, longing 7 for the days that we used to spend together.  我想知道他是否想我，想望着过去我们混在一起的那些日子。
And then the realization 8 hits me that he is just a dragon,  然后我领悟到他只是只蜥蜴，
and he's probably far happier living a life of dragon luxury with a fancy cage, a warm heat lamp, and all the carrots and cucumber he can eat. 而且过着蜥蜴的奢华生活他搞不好更开心，有一个高级的笼子、温暖的聚热灯，还有所有随他吃的胡萝卜和小黄瓜。
After that, things were never the same. I felt empty inside.  在那之后，一切再也不一样了。我感到内心空虚。
A relationship between a man and a reptile was something that can't be matched.  一段一个男人和一只爬虫类动物的关系是一件无可比拟的事。
And I guess I needed to fill the void.  我猜我需要填补那空虚的感觉。
So off I went again on my travels across the Internet, searching, scouring 9 the web for a new soul mate. 于是我又再次踏上漫游网路的旅程，查询、在网上四处寻找新的灵魂伴侣。
I was looking for something mean, exciting, impressive, thrilling, a life-long companion, 我在找某个出色、令人激动、令人印象深刻、令人兴奋的，一个一辈子的伙伴，
and then, suddenly, I found the perfect match. 然后，刹那间，我找到完美的配对。
So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Herbert.  废话不多说，容我介绍你“赫伯特”。
Herbert is a tortoise at a ripe old age of one and he is a badass.  赫伯特是只已届“一岁”高龄的乌龟，而他可是个超杀的家伙。
Did you know that a tortoise has the same lifespan as a human,  你知道一只乌龟拥有和人类相同的寿命吗？
and in some cases, can live up to 150 years?  而且有时候，可以活长达 150 年？
That means that Herbert's dad lived through two World Wars. He didn't do anything, but he was there nonetheless. 那代表赫伯特的老爸经历过两次世界大战。他啥也没做，但无论如何他就是在那。
Little Herbert is just a baby, but in time, he's gonna get bigger.  小赫伯特只是只宝宝，但迟早，他会长得更大。
At adult size, he'll be around 280 millimeters in length, weighing around 2.5 kilos.  在成年的尺寸，他的身长约会是 280 毫米，重量约 2.5 公斤。
And he's a herbivore, so he likes grass, ferns, flowers, tree leaves, and fruit.  他是只草食性动物，所以他喜欢草、蕨类、花、树叶，还有水果。
But his favorite thing ever is a dandelion. Herbert loves dandelions. 但他最喜欢的东西是蒲公英。赫伯特爱死蒲公英了。
We keep this for a special treat. 我们把蒲公英留作特别奖赏。
But as is the same with any human, dandelions would never do.  但就像任何人类一样，蒲公英永远满足不了。
Dandelions can't hold your hand and kiss you good night and listen to your problems.  蒲公英不能握着你的手、不能吻你道晚安、不能倾听你的烦恼。
Dandelions can't make your knees go weak and set your heart to flutter. 蒲公英不能让你激动到脚软，还有让你的心小鹿乱撞。
So I figured that I don't need to be fair to get Herbert a Herbert, so here's Doris. 于是我想我帮赫伯特找“一只赫伯特”是天经地义的事，所以“桃乐丝”就来啦。
Herbert and Doris are in love, very, very much in love.  赫伯特与桃乐丝相爱，非常、非常相爱。
I'd like to think that one day they might have babies.  我很乐意想像有一天他们可能会有群宝宝。
But until then, it's just me and them. I'm excited for the future has in store for us, me and these two tiny tortoises.  但到那时之前，就只是我和他们。我对未来等待着我们的事感到兴奋，我和这两只小小的乌龟。
No one can ever beat Sid and I don't know if these two tiny prehistoric 10 animals will ever be able to fill his jogging shoes. 没有人能够打败喜德，而且我不知道这两只小小的史前动物有没有可能取代他的地位。
But I guess we have 100 years to find out. 但我猜我们有一百年去找到答案。