Three periods of my youth

    About the twelfth year of my age, my father being abroad, my mother reproved me for some misconduct, to which I made an undutiful reply. And The next first-day, as I was with my father returning from meeting, he told me that he understood I had behaved amiss to my mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. I knew myself blamable, and in shame and confusion remained silent. Being thus awakened 1 to a sense of my wickedness, I felt remorse 2 in my mind, and on getting home I retired 3 and prayed to the Lord to forgive me, and I do not remember that I ever afterwards spoke 4 unhandsomely to either of my parents, however foolish in some other things.

    Having attained 5 the age of sixteen , I began to love wanton company and though I was preserved from profane 6 language or scandalous conduct, still I perceived a plant in me which produced much wild grapes; my merciful Father did not, however, forsake 7 me utterly 8, but at times, through his grace, I was brought seriously to consider my ways; and the sight of my backslidings affected 9 me with sorrow, yet for want of rightly attending to the reproofs 10 of instruction, vanity was added to vanity, and repentance 11 to repentance. Upon the whole, my mind became more and more alienated 12 from the truth, and I hastened toward destruction. While I meditate 13 on the gulf 14 towards which I travelled, and reflect on my youthful disobedience,my heart is affected with sorrow.

    Thus time passed on; my heart was replenished 15 with mirth and wantonness, while pleasing scenes of vanity were presented to my imagination, till I attained the age of eighteen years, near which time I felt the judgments 16 of God in my soul, like a consuming fire, and looking over my past life the prospect 17 was moving. I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those vanities; then again my heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a sore conflict. At times I turned to folly 18, and then again sorrow and confusion took hold of me. In a while I resolved totally to leave off some of my vanities, but there was a secret reserve in my heart of the more refined part of them, and I was not low enough to find true peace. Thus for some months I had great troubles and Thus quite; there were meany on unsubjected, which rendered my labors 19 fruitless. At length, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was made to bow down in spirit before the most time. I remember One evening I had spent some time in reading a pious 20 author, and walking out alone I humbly 21 prayed to the Lord for his help, that I might be delivered from all those vanities which so ensnared me. Thus being brought low, he helped me, and as I learned to bear the cross I felt refreshment 22 to come from his presence, but not keeping in that strength which gave victory I lost ground again, the sense of which greatly affected me. and I sought deserts and lonely places, and there with tears did confess my sins to God and humbly craved 23 his help. And I may say with reverence 24, he was near to me in my troubles, and in those times of humiliation 25 opened my ear to discipline.

    Excerpt:From Journal by John Woolman