婚恋英语：不要这样毁了爱情

 　　It's not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse 1. Here are a few of the things that cause people to destroy their own relationships。

　　想要维系和恋人、伴侣或爱人的感情并不是一件容易的事情。人们是这样毁了他们的爱情的：
　　1.You're playing to win
　　你们总是想要赢对方
　　One of the deadliest killers 2 of relationships is the competitive urge, the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you're tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner's head。
　　爱情的一大致命杀手就是竞争欲望：把感情当作比赛，总是想要赢过对方。处在竞争关系中的人总是想要寻找自己的优势，占尽上风，尽握对方的把柄。
　　2.You don't trust
　　你们不信任彼此
　　There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won't cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won't leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say。
　　感情的信任包括两层含义：足够信任你的伴侣，明白他不会欺骗也不会伤害你，同时也了解他也是如此的信任着你；足够信任你的爱人，明白不管你说什么做什么，他都不会离开或者不再爱你。
　　3. You don't talk
　　你们不交流
　　Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don't want to hurt their partner, or because they're trying to win. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that's the death of a relationship。
　　太多的人沉默无言，对感情中让他们烦恼或者不安的细节只字不提，也许是因为不想伤害对方，也许是因为太想要赢而不愿意示弱。缄默不语其实是缺乏信任的表现，这是爱情的死穴。
　　4. You don't listen
　　你们不倾听
　　Listening — really listening — is hard. It's normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense 3. If you can't listen actively 4, at least to the person you love, there's a problem。
　　真正的倾听很难。听到类似批评的话语时，我们想要为自己辩护，这很正常，所以我们不听对方把话说完就开始打断，解释，为自己找借口，或者在心中准备防守。如果对你爱的人你都无法主动倾听，那就有问题了。
　　5. You spend like a single person
　　你还像个单身的人过活
　　When you're single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It's not necessarily wise, but you're the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. If you're spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed 5。
　　单身的时候，想买什么买什么，随时随地随心所欲，一点不想着将来。这很不明智，但是我们是唯一要为后果付出代价的人。当你长期跟某人交往时，这一切就不再成为可能。如果你还是像以前一样大手大脚觉得别人没权利对你指手画脚，那么你们的感情就完了。
　　6. You're afraid of breaking up
　　你们总是害怕会分手
　　Nobody in a truly happy partnership 6 is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that's a big warning sign that something's wrong. But often, what's wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Quite frankly 7, this isn't going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn't going to be very satisfying for your partner。
　　拥有真正幸福感情的人是不会害怕分手的。如果你在担心，那就是在警告你，有些东西不太对劲。但经常真正不对劲的是害怕情绪的本身，它不仅泄露了你对对方的不信任，也是你自身缺乏自信自尊的表现。坦白说，如果你对这段感情不满意，那你的爱人又怎么会满足呢？
　　7. You're dependent
　　你太依赖对方
　　There's a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you've crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever's missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent。
　　互相扶持还是太过依赖，只在一念之间。如果你事事依赖对方(也就是说你离了他/她就活不了)，你就越界了。你身上的压力全部转嫁到你的爱人身上，这样的压力，会让他/她最终怨恨你。
　　8. You expect happiness
　　你以为爱情里只有幸福
　　A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can "make" you happy, except you — but it's an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren't only about being happy, and there's lots of times when you won't and even shouldn't be。
　　一段糟糕的感情，其中一个信号就是期望对方会让自己幸福，或者以为自己会让对方幸福。这不仅仅是你对自己或者对方的不切实际的期望(要知道除了你自己没人能让你幸福)，也是你对感情不现实的幻想。一段感情，不仅仅是快乐和幸福，还有很多痛苦、悲伤和难过的时刻。
　　9. You never fight
　　你们从来不吵架
　　A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly 8 normal part of a human's emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff。
　　偶尔的争论很重要。从某种程度上来说，争吵可以在大问题出现前就消化掉根源的小矛盾。通过争吵表达愤怒，也是我们情感渲泄最完美的方法。你们的感情要足够牢固，可以包容你们的所有一切，而不只是快乐阳光的一面。
　　10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard
　　你以为感情很容易/很难
　　There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it's hard, it must be worth having. The outcome of both views is that you don't work at your relationship and quickly get burnt out。
　　有两种观点对感情的理解非常不对：一种认为维系感情很容易，如果真的深爱彼此注定会在一起，那就顺其自然，车到山前必有路；一种认为只有历尽艰险才能值得拥有，所以既然经过各种磨难和艰苦，那这段感情肯定值得拥有。这两种观点的结果是，你不会经营感情，而爱的花火也会很快熄灭。
　　Your choices
　　你其实可以选择
　　There isn't any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though. If you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change。
　　这些问题都没有答案，但是你可以选择。如果你们遭受这些问题的折磨，你需要自己去搞清楚怎么修复感情。可能是要一起去看心理医生，可能是独自一人去山里度假，可能只是跟你的爱人聊聊，对自己做出改变的承诺。