【英语语言学习】双相型障碍
时间:2018-12-04 作者:英语课 分类:听一分钟英文-I
英语课
Hi, it's the All in the Mind podcast, I'm Lynne Malcolm. Today we go to Ireland to hear one man's story of living with bipolar disorder 1.
Ian is in his mid-fifties, and despite his illness he has an enviable, almost idyllic 2 life with his wife and three children. Today's show is an abridged 3 version of the documentary My Mind Was a Stranger made by Ian's friend, Éamon Little. It's a poignant 5 and sometimes confronting insight into Ian's experience with bipolar.
Ian: As a young boy I just remember being full of adventure and excitement. Everything was a thrill for me. I could see fairies every place. I used to bring my parents out to the trees and point out the fairies to them. We lived just outside the village of Adamstown in this wonderful, small, asbestos prefab house. It was one of the first of the Irish ideal homes, so it was one of the first homes displaying Tintawn carpets and Scarriff chipboard and an all-electric immersion 6 heater and a flush toilet. It was perfect.
As children we basically ran the farm. We fed the cattle, we cleaned out the sheds. As we got older we milked the cows. We had two cows and we would milk them in the morning. That was all considered to be part of childhood living. For me it was just a very carefree, enjoyable existence.
I was always very driven, even as a kid. I had a huge amount of energy, so I do remember at Christmases sticking my head in the window to see people watching West Side Story or whatever on the TV, and I would be more excited just making things out in the shed, some kind of toys and things that we'd be playing with.
A neighbour used to say when I was a kid, 'He's going to be a millionaire by the time he's 20,' because I was breeding my dogs, and I'd be buying heifers. I sold my first heifer in the mart when I was only 11. I had this determined 7 attitude about everything, and that you could achieve whatever you set your mind to and it could be done and all that.
Then that will left me. And when it changed, my mind was a stranger. It was lost to me. And it was quite sudden. In the morning I couldn't get out of bed. Everything was a struggle; speaking to people, going up to school. I just didn't understand who I was or what I was. This new state I was in was sinking everything very quickly and with huge density 8, just like pulling everything down. So at night time I would get to bed as early as I could and just lie in bed dreaming of a huge drill going down through my head, tearing my brains out. I would kind of delight in these gory 9 thoughts of ending my life, of it being over. The only thing that had some relief was that escape of the bed at night time.
In college, years later, I could spend 16, 17 hours a day sleeping and I'd get up in the middle of the night and there was nobody on the streets in Limerick, just me and the stray dogs, taking scraps 10 out of bins 11. These states or these depressions, they would go on for months.
My escape route began really when I was probably 14 or 15 and started drinking. I would work with a local builder, and every weekend I'd get a bottle of brandy. Then when I went to college, large amounts of spirits was still a big thing for me, and I had the freedom to do it. It was a great escape.
Then I discovered cannabis or cannabis derived 12 substances. The first time I smoked dope, that's weekend I only left the flat a couple of times. And it's like I had discovered a whole new world. I started arranging things within the flat and really going into something inside myself that I hadn't touched before, a way of connecting with my surroundings. And I'm not a laughing kind of guy, I never have been a smiley, laughing person, but that was one of the true releases I got smoking dope, the ability to laugh.
The other thing was I discovered I could do amazing stuff when I was stoned; essays, engineering projects that would get top of the class, and I was getting top of the class. Until one final exam that I did stoned. But I did find within myself a creativity that I didn't know existed. And I thought it was only unlocked with cannabis. I didn't realise that I could access it in any other way.
I went to London and had a really very, very crazy time. I was getting higher and higher all the time, I really felt that I could do anything I wanted. I had no fear, there was no danger. There was a girl that I very much wanted to be with and she didn't need me at that time. That almost ended in tragedy. The only thing that saved that tragedy was the interruption of another person.
So after that night I fled to Amsterdam. In Amsterdam I was sleeping on the street in the beginning and eventually got into a squat 13 and started to get some night work in the Sonesta hotel. Saturday night, it was 10 August, and I sat in Dam Square and I had started doing sketches 14 in a diary I had, these were very simple stick drawings but I'd have the name and the date and the place. I wouldn't get paid for a month, so I had no money and I was living mostly from the plates where I was washing up in the Sonesta, whatever was left over, very good food coming in, and I never had a problem eating like that.
And I was walking down into the Leidseplein, And I had enough left maybe for a cup of coffee, about 50p, and I could just see phones every place, phones and phones, in the lobbies of hotels, they just were jumping out, like they were animated 15. I saw a kind of a message and had to respond to a message, I've got to connect and ring someone. So I got to a phone box, and I had so little money, it went down so quickly that it started beeping almost immediately when I rang home. It was answered by my aunt, she could hear it beeping already, and she just said 'Where are you?' And I said, 'Amsterdam.' She just had to say very quickly, 'Your father is dead.'
When I was going through some of the stuff that I had brought back from Amsterdam I came across these two pages, 'Dam Square, August 10'. So that's how I know it was exactly at the time that my father died that I did a drawing of him and my mother in a swing boat titled 'mum and dad having fun'. Then on the next page I had the two of them just standing 17 side by side holding hands saying 'mum and dad'. That diary was a great source of comfort and solace 18 to me months later. I just realised that there was some big connection in the world, that at the moment when he was dying and leaving this earth, I was somehow connected to him through this drawing, through what I was doing, and that no matter how much he might have refused to accept or forgive me for who I was or what was going on at the time, we were connected in this way, through the universe, through God, through a pencil drawing, through whatever. But it was for real, it was dated, it was timed and couldn't be refuted.
After his death, more and more connections seemed to become evident in my life, in my daily life, like things that were happening, people I was meeting. It was actually becoming unusual to meet somebody where there was no connection. It's like this connectivity had opened up and was never closed again.
When I began to notice these connections I was almost electrified 19 in my life, I was doing things all the time, I was moving, I needed to sleep very little. Every day was a delight. I started to collect and take magic mushrooms, pursuing some kind of enlightenment. I was just coming up with all kinds of theories about nature. I left my shoes and discarded nearly everything I had and just walked, and I could see the trees signalling me and showing me the direction. Houses looked at me, like the windows and the front door, with the eyes and the mouth, and the same with the cars. I might have to say something three times, or tip my cigarette three times, three little burns on the back of my hand, just to cancel out this…I was filling in notebooks with all the revelations. So I covered my body in black and red gloss 20 paint and I was rubbing all kinds of things into my body and my hair, like earth and tar 4 and anything I could find on the road. I was the person chosen, that I was going to be a kind of acupuncture 21 point that would heal the world.
And at this stage I hadn't slept for many, many, many days. And I kept walking up into the mountains, chanting continuously, so ecstatic with the world, and yet crying. And the revelations were coming at an ever-increasing speed. Everything was arriving at me at once.
Eventually I came down off the mountain and stuck my bare feet into the fire. People pulled me from the fire and they got me in the car, and I didn't know where I was being driven but I had a police escort to wherever I was going. Surely they were bringing me either back to Adamstown or to some place far greater. And they drove me to Waterford. And I don't even know if I knew it was a mental hospital, but I just collapsed 22 in the car and refused to move. So they had to carry me in.
And even in the hospital I felt, yes, this is where they bring us, this is the place, this is heaven, and this is where we are brought, all us souls that have made it through. And I could relate to each and every one of the other people in the hospital, and we could discuss things at an incredible depth and we were all on the same wavelength 23, and we were treated like kings and given plates of food and given the brew 24 of the time, but it was like a really sweet syrup 25 and I would drink as much of it as they wanted to give me, I thought it was the nectar of the gods they were giving me.
And no matter how much of these very high doses of sedative 26 I was given, I was still completely wired. I was put into the lock-up ward 27 and it was a strange, crazy place, and it was just one huge room with chairs all around and it was mostly old men, the incurables 28 I suppose.
I'd been in hospital a long time, and the problem was that I wasn't going down with the medication, I just wasn't going down. A lot of blame was being put on the amount of drugs I've taken and that I'd put myself out of reach of the sedatives 29 and antipsychotics, I was just completely out of reach for them. But eventually over time they did kick in, but that was after months of treatment. And at that point I was in their hands, they could work with me then and they could keep me down. And then I went down. And when I went down, I went completely down. All of that incredible magical stuff and revelations and knowledge of the earth was completely gone. There wasn't really much of a memory of it or a feeling of it or a trace of it. And just a really deep depression took over.
Then once I was malleable 30, let's say, I was told I was a drug addict 31, so we had to work with this drug addiction 32. And it was only from a doctor in Limerick when I went back to college who I explained I had been a drug addict and when I give up drugs, that's fine, I can come off this lithium. He looked at me and said, 'Has nobody explained to you? You've been diagnosed with manic depression,' what we call bipolar illness nowadays. And I said, 'Do you mean I've given up smoking dope, I've given up drinking, and now I have a mental illness?' And for me there was really nothing cool about having a mental illness. I didn't really mind being a drug addict, there was some cool factor there maybe, but having a mental illness, that really wasn't what I had signed up for. And he said, 'Yes, you've got manic depression.' I said, 'So I take lithium and I never get sick again, is that how it works?' And he said, 'Pretty much, yes.'
Several people had colluded around this convincing me that I had been a drug addict. For me of course it was a great disappointment that my family couldn't openly discuss or accept the idea of mental illness. Even in recent years, if I have an episode and I'm getting a sick cert signed, most doctors will not want to put down 'manic depression', and I often insist that they write 'manic depression' or 'bipolar disorder'. And often they will say, 'Well, let's put down 'anxiety'.' And I'm thinking, if we're going to let's put down shit on forms, it's because we can't handle what's happening in somebody's life when they are unwell. And I think actually the biggest danger in today's society is for well-off, middle-class people who have mental illness, because they can go to a doctor and the doctor, to preserve their standing in the community, can try to collude with them into some false diagnosis 33 or pretending something so that we don't have to address the nasty facts.
In Limerick my psychiatrist 34 advised that I don't go to India, particularly when my chief interest in India was really cheap dope and a free kind of a lifestyle. And instead he suggested that I should go to a European country, and he said Germany would be a very good choice. I went to Germany and I ended up in Nuremberg down near Dutzendteich and the Stadion and Hitler's marching ground. And it all became very, very relevant, where I was living, what I was doing, my role in the whole exoneration 35 of the German race and bringing their souls into freedom. And the upshot of that was leaving my job, being told by the guy driving the van that, 'Isn't this a van you'd like to drive,' and taking that as a signal, going down in the middle of the night, the keys of the van were in the ignition. It was like the whole thing was prepared for me. And I took the van and went what would be considered as joyriding through Nuremberg, but in fact for me it was a whole significant route through the city. And then getting chased by the police cars, going down tramlines, meeting trams, reversing back, trying to get to the main train station to escape on a train, and I knew that was a sacred place because they sold Sweet Afton, my favourite cigarette.
Just getting to the station, they surrounded me, the police, and so I rammed 36 a police car, and the next thing I felt was a gun to my head and I could smell the steel. And they kicked me to pieces when they got me because I had escaped and gone down one-way streets and stuff like that.
I've never been medicated for depression because the depression has never been the thing that worries people about me. So I've always come around depression and it's usually time, just time. I guess other things that you do, like in changing your behaviours, like not allowing yourself to sleep for 16 hours a day and making yourself function in that do improve things and bring you back to normal living. But I don't see any short circuits in depression. And even now when a depression sets in I just say okay, this is going to be months. I just make a routine and I just go with the routine.
Very few people would know I'm depressed 37. My wife can guess sometimes, not always. Depression gets buried very deeply, especially in people who are very used to being depressed. You can do most normal things. There might be the occasional vicious outburst or an apparent tiredness or something, but you can wear that mask for as long as you need to in those moments you are with people. And that's why I think it's often no shock when suddenly somebody is gone. And people were saying, you know, there was no signal, there was no signs. But sometimes I will say when a depression is over…I'll never speak about a depression during it…'that was a really lousy springtime', while everybody else was really enjoying the spring, I would have been dreaming of suicide plans. Because for me to have an escape plan is part of my escape from depression. And I wouldn't have to consider other ways of doing it, and I would agree with myself to hold off. But it was only twice in my life when I would have actually really planned and attempted to execute a suicide. And in both instances I was interrupted in the most uncanny circumstances.
Lynne Malcolm: You're with All in the Mind on RN, I'm Lynne Malcolm. Today we're hearing one man's account of living with severe bipolar disorder. We heard how doctors were more concerned with Ian's mania 38 than his depression, but in his early 20s, on returning to Ireland from Germany, Ian went to stay with student friends in Limerick, one of whom had lost a brother to suicide only the previous year. Unable to bear his depression any longer, Ian devised a meticulous 39 plan to take his own life.
Ian: The morning arrived, everybody had left, and I went into the garage, got everything prepared, and I wasn't leaving anything, I didn't want messages, notes, explanations, I just wanted out. And the moment had arrived. And the garage door burst open, and I tried to look like I had some purpose there in the garage, completely flustered 40. It was the housemaid whose brother had committed suicide who was there with his bicycle. So in the following days I went out along the railway lines looking for obscure places, and over the course of those days things changed, and again, once the change came, the change was immediate 16, back into a positive sense about the world.
I remember making the decision after the second time that, okay, in future I can make my plans but I will just hold off and hold off and hold off, but I won't prevent myself from making the plans. And that making of plans has become for me so far a release valve. So when I get those suicidal tendencies and depression, I can say, okay, here is how it would happen and here's the plan that I would use. Now let's get on with the hard work of waiting this out. And sometimes that wait just seems too long. Sometimes it goes on for 10 weeks, it goes on for maybe nearly three months and you're just getting worn down more and more. And for me if I wait long enough, so far it has always changed, and that's the danger point, because when it changes it's normally not a gradual swing, it's a really rapid swing into energy mode. Loads of thoughts, loads of activity, and that's what is considered a danger to society, a danger to myself, and that's what people want to stop. That's why I say I've never been asked by psychiatrists 41 about the dangers of my depression because it's the dangers of my mania, of my psychosis that are of such concern.
And if I am proud of any achievement in my life, I would say I'm proud of the fact that I can weather those storms on my own, totally unaided, with no help from anybody. And in fact I don't truly believe that a lot of people can help. I think you have to do a lot of that hard work yourself; resisting impulses, holding down all kinds of violent, destructive, terrifying thoughts and just letting them run through you, and just letting it go through until it's all over, knowing then that it's safe again and you can relax a little bit and start to enjoy life a little bit.
I remember the first time coming out of a really deep depression, realising that I had beautiful toes. And I've got massive spades of toes, but it was just because after months and months and months I could see beauty.
It's at 13 now, episodes. You know, sometimes when things are rising and I see things happen, lots of coincidences happen, not just coincidences but things really very synchronous 42, like things just happening on the moment, at the minute, like I walk in the door and the person I've just mentioned is standing there to meet me and they are holding something that I've been thinking about, and everything is falling completely into place. It's very difficult to try and hold myself in reality because the seduction of mania is just so powerful and so irresistible 43.
When it does happen, the next thing I know is I'm doing something out of order or saying something very inappropriate, and there's a hand on my shoulder, and it's often my wife saying, 'We've got to get you to hospital,' because literally 44 within hours I can get into a very, very deep manic state, and to such a point that the hospital now has given me medication to keep at home, antipsychotic medication, just to take it immediately, even before arriving at the hospital because they know minutes count basically.
When I say I have an episode, it really means that I'm in a psychotic state where there is something else controlling my life, rather than the normal, average reality. And in that state I allow myself to be reachable. Sometimes it takes great effort, but I do allow myself to be helped, for people to force help on me, even though I may not want it. And the reason I respond so obediently in those cases it is because of the times in episodes when things have happened where I think I am doing something great for the world and then later I realise through somebody else's testimony 45 or somebody interrupting me that I have been about to do some great harm.
In recent years I have developed better strategies to deal with the episodes, and that has meant that they have been shorter in duration. Quicker action, also better antipsychotics that work for me a lot better.
When I was in the hospital in Germany, the diagnosis I got was that of cannabis psychosis. It means that the psychosis that I was exhibiting was induced by the use of cannabis. They had done really detailed 46 tests on my head, plastic swimming cap on the head in a dark room, which I found was amazing, and as they were doing it I knew they were going to recognise my brilliance 47 in there. And that's why I was shocked when they gave me that diagnosis. It took four years to eventually leave the smoking dope and the need for it. But many other things changed with that.
Lithium is considered as a balancer. That's something that I take all of the time, whether it works or not. It may do some good, I don't know. I've had as many episodes with lithium as without lithium. But the big advantage for me in taking lithium, for years I didn't take remedies and fought with the hospital authorities about medicines. And when I decided 48 to take the lithium, I get so much help from the hospital, particularly when I go back in and say, listen, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I don't overstress myself in the workplace and I'm still having an episode, why is this happening? Are they just answer very honestly, we don't know.
So the episodes now haven't been as severe in recent years but they are as sudden, because it's like I am always close to that edge, and if something happens that brings me to the edge it can just be a couple of days and then it's hours, like, into the extreme mania.
I've made it. Like, I've made it this far. This is as far as my father and my uncle and lots of people made it in life and they had very healthy lives, so really I feel I have been very fortunate. I've never managed to do such great harm that it has resulted in me being made a criminal. It's very hard to recover from that in terms of humiliation 49 and in terms of your self-respect and confidence, and they all add to the difficulties of making full recoveries.
Where I work there was no knowledge of my mental health history when I had my first episode. The company was very accommodating, not only that but when I came back to work there were no barriers put in my way for development as a design engineer, and I get great support still from my company, I really do.
I think also I have enormous support from my wife. She is the main spotter in my life. She will see things where other people won't see them and she will even disagree with the medics, and always turn out to be right. There are very few marriages that survive manic depression.
Just before going back to work after that last episode, she said to me, 'Would you consider beekeeping? And since then it's been a huge thing and I've become a woodworker, I've been making my hives, I've been preparing the area, I've become a planter of flowers and herbs, which I never had an interest in before. It has just transformed things in a beautiful way, and it was ready to be transformed in that way, our smallholding here, it was just ready for bees. And for me, for my mental health, they are with me every day, and they are an obsession 50 but a very healthy one and one that brings great reward.
When I'm in mania of course I don't sleep. In earlier days she couldn't bear the sound of snoring, and now she would find that snoring is one of the most comforting things because it means that her husband is safe, that he's well, that he's sleeping tonight, he's not wandering, he's not going off there.
Ian is in his mid-fifties, and despite his illness he has an enviable, almost idyllic 2 life with his wife and three children. Today's show is an abridged 3 version of the documentary My Mind Was a Stranger made by Ian's friend, Éamon Little. It's a poignant 5 and sometimes confronting insight into Ian's experience with bipolar.
Ian: As a young boy I just remember being full of adventure and excitement. Everything was a thrill for me. I could see fairies every place. I used to bring my parents out to the trees and point out the fairies to them. We lived just outside the village of Adamstown in this wonderful, small, asbestos prefab house. It was one of the first of the Irish ideal homes, so it was one of the first homes displaying Tintawn carpets and Scarriff chipboard and an all-electric immersion 6 heater and a flush toilet. It was perfect.
As children we basically ran the farm. We fed the cattle, we cleaned out the sheds. As we got older we milked the cows. We had two cows and we would milk them in the morning. That was all considered to be part of childhood living. For me it was just a very carefree, enjoyable existence.
I was always very driven, even as a kid. I had a huge amount of energy, so I do remember at Christmases sticking my head in the window to see people watching West Side Story or whatever on the TV, and I would be more excited just making things out in the shed, some kind of toys and things that we'd be playing with.
A neighbour used to say when I was a kid, 'He's going to be a millionaire by the time he's 20,' because I was breeding my dogs, and I'd be buying heifers. I sold my first heifer in the mart when I was only 11. I had this determined 7 attitude about everything, and that you could achieve whatever you set your mind to and it could be done and all that.
Then that will left me. And when it changed, my mind was a stranger. It was lost to me. And it was quite sudden. In the morning I couldn't get out of bed. Everything was a struggle; speaking to people, going up to school. I just didn't understand who I was or what I was. This new state I was in was sinking everything very quickly and with huge density 8, just like pulling everything down. So at night time I would get to bed as early as I could and just lie in bed dreaming of a huge drill going down through my head, tearing my brains out. I would kind of delight in these gory 9 thoughts of ending my life, of it being over. The only thing that had some relief was that escape of the bed at night time.
In college, years later, I could spend 16, 17 hours a day sleeping and I'd get up in the middle of the night and there was nobody on the streets in Limerick, just me and the stray dogs, taking scraps 10 out of bins 11. These states or these depressions, they would go on for months.
My escape route began really when I was probably 14 or 15 and started drinking. I would work with a local builder, and every weekend I'd get a bottle of brandy. Then when I went to college, large amounts of spirits was still a big thing for me, and I had the freedom to do it. It was a great escape.
Then I discovered cannabis or cannabis derived 12 substances. The first time I smoked dope, that's weekend I only left the flat a couple of times. And it's like I had discovered a whole new world. I started arranging things within the flat and really going into something inside myself that I hadn't touched before, a way of connecting with my surroundings. And I'm not a laughing kind of guy, I never have been a smiley, laughing person, but that was one of the true releases I got smoking dope, the ability to laugh.
The other thing was I discovered I could do amazing stuff when I was stoned; essays, engineering projects that would get top of the class, and I was getting top of the class. Until one final exam that I did stoned. But I did find within myself a creativity that I didn't know existed. And I thought it was only unlocked with cannabis. I didn't realise that I could access it in any other way.
I went to London and had a really very, very crazy time. I was getting higher and higher all the time, I really felt that I could do anything I wanted. I had no fear, there was no danger. There was a girl that I very much wanted to be with and she didn't need me at that time. That almost ended in tragedy. The only thing that saved that tragedy was the interruption of another person.
So after that night I fled to Amsterdam. In Amsterdam I was sleeping on the street in the beginning and eventually got into a squat 13 and started to get some night work in the Sonesta hotel. Saturday night, it was 10 August, and I sat in Dam Square and I had started doing sketches 14 in a diary I had, these were very simple stick drawings but I'd have the name and the date and the place. I wouldn't get paid for a month, so I had no money and I was living mostly from the plates where I was washing up in the Sonesta, whatever was left over, very good food coming in, and I never had a problem eating like that.
And I was walking down into the Leidseplein, And I had enough left maybe for a cup of coffee, about 50p, and I could just see phones every place, phones and phones, in the lobbies of hotels, they just were jumping out, like they were animated 15. I saw a kind of a message and had to respond to a message, I've got to connect and ring someone. So I got to a phone box, and I had so little money, it went down so quickly that it started beeping almost immediately when I rang home. It was answered by my aunt, she could hear it beeping already, and she just said 'Where are you?' And I said, 'Amsterdam.' She just had to say very quickly, 'Your father is dead.'
When I was going through some of the stuff that I had brought back from Amsterdam I came across these two pages, 'Dam Square, August 10'. So that's how I know it was exactly at the time that my father died that I did a drawing of him and my mother in a swing boat titled 'mum and dad having fun'. Then on the next page I had the two of them just standing 17 side by side holding hands saying 'mum and dad'. That diary was a great source of comfort and solace 18 to me months later. I just realised that there was some big connection in the world, that at the moment when he was dying and leaving this earth, I was somehow connected to him through this drawing, through what I was doing, and that no matter how much he might have refused to accept or forgive me for who I was or what was going on at the time, we were connected in this way, through the universe, through God, through a pencil drawing, through whatever. But it was for real, it was dated, it was timed and couldn't be refuted.
After his death, more and more connections seemed to become evident in my life, in my daily life, like things that were happening, people I was meeting. It was actually becoming unusual to meet somebody where there was no connection. It's like this connectivity had opened up and was never closed again.
When I began to notice these connections I was almost electrified 19 in my life, I was doing things all the time, I was moving, I needed to sleep very little. Every day was a delight. I started to collect and take magic mushrooms, pursuing some kind of enlightenment. I was just coming up with all kinds of theories about nature. I left my shoes and discarded nearly everything I had and just walked, and I could see the trees signalling me and showing me the direction. Houses looked at me, like the windows and the front door, with the eyes and the mouth, and the same with the cars. I might have to say something three times, or tip my cigarette three times, three little burns on the back of my hand, just to cancel out this…I was filling in notebooks with all the revelations. So I covered my body in black and red gloss 20 paint and I was rubbing all kinds of things into my body and my hair, like earth and tar 4 and anything I could find on the road. I was the person chosen, that I was going to be a kind of acupuncture 21 point that would heal the world.
And at this stage I hadn't slept for many, many, many days. And I kept walking up into the mountains, chanting continuously, so ecstatic with the world, and yet crying. And the revelations were coming at an ever-increasing speed. Everything was arriving at me at once.
Eventually I came down off the mountain and stuck my bare feet into the fire. People pulled me from the fire and they got me in the car, and I didn't know where I was being driven but I had a police escort to wherever I was going. Surely they were bringing me either back to Adamstown or to some place far greater. And they drove me to Waterford. And I don't even know if I knew it was a mental hospital, but I just collapsed 22 in the car and refused to move. So they had to carry me in.
And even in the hospital I felt, yes, this is where they bring us, this is the place, this is heaven, and this is where we are brought, all us souls that have made it through. And I could relate to each and every one of the other people in the hospital, and we could discuss things at an incredible depth and we were all on the same wavelength 23, and we were treated like kings and given plates of food and given the brew 24 of the time, but it was like a really sweet syrup 25 and I would drink as much of it as they wanted to give me, I thought it was the nectar of the gods they were giving me.
And no matter how much of these very high doses of sedative 26 I was given, I was still completely wired. I was put into the lock-up ward 27 and it was a strange, crazy place, and it was just one huge room with chairs all around and it was mostly old men, the incurables 28 I suppose.
I'd been in hospital a long time, and the problem was that I wasn't going down with the medication, I just wasn't going down. A lot of blame was being put on the amount of drugs I've taken and that I'd put myself out of reach of the sedatives 29 and antipsychotics, I was just completely out of reach for them. But eventually over time they did kick in, but that was after months of treatment. And at that point I was in their hands, they could work with me then and they could keep me down. And then I went down. And when I went down, I went completely down. All of that incredible magical stuff and revelations and knowledge of the earth was completely gone. There wasn't really much of a memory of it or a feeling of it or a trace of it. And just a really deep depression took over.
Then once I was malleable 30, let's say, I was told I was a drug addict 31, so we had to work with this drug addiction 32. And it was only from a doctor in Limerick when I went back to college who I explained I had been a drug addict and when I give up drugs, that's fine, I can come off this lithium. He looked at me and said, 'Has nobody explained to you? You've been diagnosed with manic depression,' what we call bipolar illness nowadays. And I said, 'Do you mean I've given up smoking dope, I've given up drinking, and now I have a mental illness?' And for me there was really nothing cool about having a mental illness. I didn't really mind being a drug addict, there was some cool factor there maybe, but having a mental illness, that really wasn't what I had signed up for. And he said, 'Yes, you've got manic depression.' I said, 'So I take lithium and I never get sick again, is that how it works?' And he said, 'Pretty much, yes.'
Several people had colluded around this convincing me that I had been a drug addict. For me of course it was a great disappointment that my family couldn't openly discuss or accept the idea of mental illness. Even in recent years, if I have an episode and I'm getting a sick cert signed, most doctors will not want to put down 'manic depression', and I often insist that they write 'manic depression' or 'bipolar disorder'. And often they will say, 'Well, let's put down 'anxiety'.' And I'm thinking, if we're going to let's put down shit on forms, it's because we can't handle what's happening in somebody's life when they are unwell. And I think actually the biggest danger in today's society is for well-off, middle-class people who have mental illness, because they can go to a doctor and the doctor, to preserve their standing in the community, can try to collude with them into some false diagnosis 33 or pretending something so that we don't have to address the nasty facts.
In Limerick my psychiatrist 34 advised that I don't go to India, particularly when my chief interest in India was really cheap dope and a free kind of a lifestyle. And instead he suggested that I should go to a European country, and he said Germany would be a very good choice. I went to Germany and I ended up in Nuremberg down near Dutzendteich and the Stadion and Hitler's marching ground. And it all became very, very relevant, where I was living, what I was doing, my role in the whole exoneration 35 of the German race and bringing their souls into freedom. And the upshot of that was leaving my job, being told by the guy driving the van that, 'Isn't this a van you'd like to drive,' and taking that as a signal, going down in the middle of the night, the keys of the van were in the ignition. It was like the whole thing was prepared for me. And I took the van and went what would be considered as joyriding through Nuremberg, but in fact for me it was a whole significant route through the city. And then getting chased by the police cars, going down tramlines, meeting trams, reversing back, trying to get to the main train station to escape on a train, and I knew that was a sacred place because they sold Sweet Afton, my favourite cigarette.
Just getting to the station, they surrounded me, the police, and so I rammed 36 a police car, and the next thing I felt was a gun to my head and I could smell the steel. And they kicked me to pieces when they got me because I had escaped and gone down one-way streets and stuff like that.
I've never been medicated for depression because the depression has never been the thing that worries people about me. So I've always come around depression and it's usually time, just time. I guess other things that you do, like in changing your behaviours, like not allowing yourself to sleep for 16 hours a day and making yourself function in that do improve things and bring you back to normal living. But I don't see any short circuits in depression. And even now when a depression sets in I just say okay, this is going to be months. I just make a routine and I just go with the routine.
Very few people would know I'm depressed 37. My wife can guess sometimes, not always. Depression gets buried very deeply, especially in people who are very used to being depressed. You can do most normal things. There might be the occasional vicious outburst or an apparent tiredness or something, but you can wear that mask for as long as you need to in those moments you are with people. And that's why I think it's often no shock when suddenly somebody is gone. And people were saying, you know, there was no signal, there was no signs. But sometimes I will say when a depression is over…I'll never speak about a depression during it…'that was a really lousy springtime', while everybody else was really enjoying the spring, I would have been dreaming of suicide plans. Because for me to have an escape plan is part of my escape from depression. And I wouldn't have to consider other ways of doing it, and I would agree with myself to hold off. But it was only twice in my life when I would have actually really planned and attempted to execute a suicide. And in both instances I was interrupted in the most uncanny circumstances.
Lynne Malcolm: You're with All in the Mind on RN, I'm Lynne Malcolm. Today we're hearing one man's account of living with severe bipolar disorder. We heard how doctors were more concerned with Ian's mania 38 than his depression, but in his early 20s, on returning to Ireland from Germany, Ian went to stay with student friends in Limerick, one of whom had lost a brother to suicide only the previous year. Unable to bear his depression any longer, Ian devised a meticulous 39 plan to take his own life.
Ian: The morning arrived, everybody had left, and I went into the garage, got everything prepared, and I wasn't leaving anything, I didn't want messages, notes, explanations, I just wanted out. And the moment had arrived. And the garage door burst open, and I tried to look like I had some purpose there in the garage, completely flustered 40. It was the housemaid whose brother had committed suicide who was there with his bicycle. So in the following days I went out along the railway lines looking for obscure places, and over the course of those days things changed, and again, once the change came, the change was immediate 16, back into a positive sense about the world.
I remember making the decision after the second time that, okay, in future I can make my plans but I will just hold off and hold off and hold off, but I won't prevent myself from making the plans. And that making of plans has become for me so far a release valve. So when I get those suicidal tendencies and depression, I can say, okay, here is how it would happen and here's the plan that I would use. Now let's get on with the hard work of waiting this out. And sometimes that wait just seems too long. Sometimes it goes on for 10 weeks, it goes on for maybe nearly three months and you're just getting worn down more and more. And for me if I wait long enough, so far it has always changed, and that's the danger point, because when it changes it's normally not a gradual swing, it's a really rapid swing into energy mode. Loads of thoughts, loads of activity, and that's what is considered a danger to society, a danger to myself, and that's what people want to stop. That's why I say I've never been asked by psychiatrists 41 about the dangers of my depression because it's the dangers of my mania, of my psychosis that are of such concern.
And if I am proud of any achievement in my life, I would say I'm proud of the fact that I can weather those storms on my own, totally unaided, with no help from anybody. And in fact I don't truly believe that a lot of people can help. I think you have to do a lot of that hard work yourself; resisting impulses, holding down all kinds of violent, destructive, terrifying thoughts and just letting them run through you, and just letting it go through until it's all over, knowing then that it's safe again and you can relax a little bit and start to enjoy life a little bit.
I remember the first time coming out of a really deep depression, realising that I had beautiful toes. And I've got massive spades of toes, but it was just because after months and months and months I could see beauty.
It's at 13 now, episodes. You know, sometimes when things are rising and I see things happen, lots of coincidences happen, not just coincidences but things really very synchronous 42, like things just happening on the moment, at the minute, like I walk in the door and the person I've just mentioned is standing there to meet me and they are holding something that I've been thinking about, and everything is falling completely into place. It's very difficult to try and hold myself in reality because the seduction of mania is just so powerful and so irresistible 43.
When it does happen, the next thing I know is I'm doing something out of order or saying something very inappropriate, and there's a hand on my shoulder, and it's often my wife saying, 'We've got to get you to hospital,' because literally 44 within hours I can get into a very, very deep manic state, and to such a point that the hospital now has given me medication to keep at home, antipsychotic medication, just to take it immediately, even before arriving at the hospital because they know minutes count basically.
When I say I have an episode, it really means that I'm in a psychotic state where there is something else controlling my life, rather than the normal, average reality. And in that state I allow myself to be reachable. Sometimes it takes great effort, but I do allow myself to be helped, for people to force help on me, even though I may not want it. And the reason I respond so obediently in those cases it is because of the times in episodes when things have happened where I think I am doing something great for the world and then later I realise through somebody else's testimony 45 or somebody interrupting me that I have been about to do some great harm.
In recent years I have developed better strategies to deal with the episodes, and that has meant that they have been shorter in duration. Quicker action, also better antipsychotics that work for me a lot better.
When I was in the hospital in Germany, the diagnosis I got was that of cannabis psychosis. It means that the psychosis that I was exhibiting was induced by the use of cannabis. They had done really detailed 46 tests on my head, plastic swimming cap on the head in a dark room, which I found was amazing, and as they were doing it I knew they were going to recognise my brilliance 47 in there. And that's why I was shocked when they gave me that diagnosis. It took four years to eventually leave the smoking dope and the need for it. But many other things changed with that.
Lithium is considered as a balancer. That's something that I take all of the time, whether it works or not. It may do some good, I don't know. I've had as many episodes with lithium as without lithium. But the big advantage for me in taking lithium, for years I didn't take remedies and fought with the hospital authorities about medicines. And when I decided 48 to take the lithium, I get so much help from the hospital, particularly when I go back in and say, listen, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't take drugs, I don't overstress myself in the workplace and I'm still having an episode, why is this happening? Are they just answer very honestly, we don't know.
So the episodes now haven't been as severe in recent years but they are as sudden, because it's like I am always close to that edge, and if something happens that brings me to the edge it can just be a couple of days and then it's hours, like, into the extreme mania.
I've made it. Like, I've made it this far. This is as far as my father and my uncle and lots of people made it in life and they had very healthy lives, so really I feel I have been very fortunate. I've never managed to do such great harm that it has resulted in me being made a criminal. It's very hard to recover from that in terms of humiliation 49 and in terms of your self-respect and confidence, and they all add to the difficulties of making full recoveries.
Where I work there was no knowledge of my mental health history when I had my first episode. The company was very accommodating, not only that but when I came back to work there were no barriers put in my way for development as a design engineer, and I get great support still from my company, I really do.
I think also I have enormous support from my wife. She is the main spotter in my life. She will see things where other people won't see them and she will even disagree with the medics, and always turn out to be right. There are very few marriages that survive manic depression.
Just before going back to work after that last episode, she said to me, 'Would you consider beekeeping? And since then it's been a huge thing and I've become a woodworker, I've been making my hives, I've been preparing the area, I've become a planter of flowers and herbs, which I never had an interest in before. It has just transformed things in a beautiful way, and it was ready to be transformed in that way, our smallholding here, it was just ready for bees. And for me, for my mental health, they are with me every day, and they are an obsession 50 but a very healthy one and one that brings great reward.
When I'm in mania of course I don't sleep. In earlier days she couldn't bear the sound of snoring, and now she would find that snoring is one of the most comforting things because it means that her husband is safe, that he's well, that he's sleeping tonight, he's not wandering, he's not going off there.
1 disorder
n.紊乱,混乱;骚动,骚乱;疾病,失调
- When returning back,he discovered the room to be in disorder.回家后,他发现屋子里乱七八糟。
- It contained a vast number of letters in great disorder.里面七零八落地装着许多信件。
2 idyllic
adj.质朴宜人的,田园风光的
- These scenes had an idyllic air.这种情景多少有点田园气氛。
- Many people living in big cities yearn for an idyllic country life.现在的很多都市人向往那种田园化的生活。
3 abridged
削减的,删节的
- The rights of citizens must not be abridged without proper cause. 没有正当理由,不能擅自剥夺公民的权利。
- The play was abridged for TV. 剧本经过节略,以拍摄电视片。
4 tar
n.柏油,焦油;vt.涂或浇柏油/焦油于
- The roof was covered with tar.屋顶涂抹了一层沥青。
- We use tar to make roads.我们用沥青铺路。
5 poignant
adj.令人痛苦的,辛酸的,惨痛的
- His lyrics are as acerbic and poignant as they ever have been.他的歌词一如既往的犀利辛辣。
- It is especially poignant that he died on the day before his wedding.他在婚礼前一天去世了,这尤其令人悲恸。
6 immersion
n.沉浸;专心
- The dirt on the bottom of the bath didn't encourage total immersion.浴缸底有污垢,不宜全身浸泡于其中。
- The wood had become swollen from prolonged immersion.因长时间浸泡,木头发胀了。
7 determined
adj.坚定的;有决心的
- I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
- He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。
8 density
n.密集,密度,浓度
- The population density of that country is 685 per square mile.那个国家的人口密度为每平方英里685人。
- The region has a very high population density.该地区的人口密度很高。
9 gory
adj.流血的;残酷的
- I shuddered when I heard the gory details.我听到血淋淋的详情,战栗不已。
- The newspaper account of the accident gave all the gory details.报纸上报道了这次事故中所有骇人听闻的细节。
10 scraps
油渣
- Don't litter up the floor with scraps of paper. 不要在地板上乱扔纸屑。
- A patchwork quilt is a good way of using up scraps of material. 做杂拼花布棉被是利用零碎布料的好办法。
11 bins
n.大储藏箱( bin的名词复数 );宽口箱(如面包箱,垃圾箱等)v.扔掉,丢弃( bin的第三人称单数 )
- Garbage from all sources was deposited in bins on trolleys. 来自各方的垃圾是装在手推车上的垃圾箱里的。 来自辞典例句
- Would you be pleased at the prospect of its being on sale in dump bins? 对于它将被陈列在倾销箱中抛售这件事,你能欣然接受吗? 来自辞典例句
12 derived
vi.起源;由来;衍生;导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 );(从…中)得到获得;源于;(从…中)提取
- Many English words are derived from Latin and Greek. 英语很多词源出于拉丁文和希腊文。 来自《简明英汉词典》
- He derived his enthusiasm for literature from his father. 他对文学的爱好是受他父亲的影响。 来自《简明英汉词典》
13 squat
v.蹲坐,蹲下;n.蹲下;adj.矮胖的,粗矮的
- For this exercise you need to get into a squat.在这次练习中你需要蹲下来。
- He is a squat man.他是一个矮胖的男人。
14 sketches
n.草图( sketch的名词复数 );素描;速写;梗概
- The artist is making sketches for his next painting. 画家正为他的下一幅作品画素描。
- You have to admit that these sketches are true to life. 你得承认这些素描很逼真。 来自《简明英汉词典》
15 animated
adj.生气勃勃的,活跃的,愉快的
- His observations gave rise to an animated and lively discussion.他的言论引起了一场气氛热烈而活跃的讨论。
- We had an animated discussion over current events last evening.昨天晚上我们热烈地讨论时事。
16 immediate
adj.立即的;直接的,最接近的;紧靠的
- His immediate neighbours felt it their duty to call.他的近邻认为他们有责任去拜访。
- We declared ourselves for the immediate convocation of the meeting.我们主张立即召开这个会议。
17 standing
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的
- After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
- They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。
18 solace
n.安慰;v.使快乐;vt.安慰(物),缓和
- They sought solace in religion from the harshness of their everyday lives.他们日常生活很艰难,就在宗教中寻求安慰。
- His acting career took a nosedive and he turned to drink for solace.演艺事业突然一落千丈,他便借酒浇愁。
19 electrified
v.使电气化( electrify的过去式和过去分词 );使兴奋
- The railway line was electrified in the 1950s. 这条铁路线在20世纪50年代就实现了电气化。
- The national railway system has nearly all been electrified. 全国的铁路系统几乎全部实现了电气化。 来自《简明英汉词典》
20 gloss
n.光泽,光滑;虚饰;注释;vt.加光泽于;掩饰
- John tried in vain to gloss over his faults.约翰极力想掩饰自己的缺点,但是没有用。
- She rubbed up the silver plates to a high gloss.她把银盘擦得很亮。
21 acupuncture
n.针灸,针刺法,针疗法
- Written records show that acupuncture dates back to the Song Dynasty.文字记载表明,宋朝就已经有了针灸。
- It's known that acupuncture originated in China.众所周知,针灸起源于中国。
22 collapsed
adj.倒塌的
- Jack collapsed in agony on the floor. 杰克十分痛苦地瘫倒在地板上。
- The roof collapsed under the weight of snow. 房顶在雪的重压下突然坍塌下来。
23 wavelength
n.波长
- The authorities were unable to jam this wavelength.当局无法干扰这一波长。
- Radio One has broadcast on this wavelength for years.广播1台已经用这个波长广播多年了。
24 brew
v.酿造,调制
- Let's brew up some more tea.咱们沏些茶吧。
- The policeman dispelled the crowd lest they should brew trouble.警察驱散人群,因恐他们酿祸。
25 syrup
n.糖浆,糖水
- I skimmed the foam from the boiling syrup.我撇去了煮沸糖浆上的泡沫。
- Tinned fruit usually has a lot of syrup with it.罐头水果通常都有许多糖浆。
26 sedative
adj.使安静的,使镇静的;n. 镇静剂,能使安静的东西
- After taking a sedative she was able to get to sleep.服用了镇静剂后,她能够入睡了。
- Amber bath oil has a sedative effect.琥珀沐浴油有镇静安神效用。
27 ward
n.守卫,监护,病房,行政区,由监护人或法院保护的人(尤指儿童);vt.守护,躲开
- The hospital has a medical ward and a surgical ward.这家医院有内科病房和外科病房。
- During the evening picnic,I'll carry a torch to ward off the bugs.傍晚野餐时,我要点根火把,抵挡蚊虫。
29 sedatives
n.镇静药,镇静剂( sedative的名词复数 )
- A wide variety of mild sedatives and tranquilizers have become available. 现在有许多种镇静剂和安定剂。 来自辞典例句
- Since July 1967 there has been a restriction on the prescribing of sedatives in Australia. 自从1967年7月起,澳大利亚的镇静药处方受到限制。 来自辞典例句
30 malleable
adj.(金属)可锻的;有延展性的;(性格)可训练的
- Silver is the most malleable of all metals.银是延展性最好的金属。
- Scientists are finding that the adult human brain is far more malleable than they once thought.科学家发现成人大脑的可塑性远超过他们之前认识到的。
31 addict
v.使沉溺;使上瘾;n.沉溺于不良嗜好的人
- He became gambling addict,and lost all his possessions.他习染上了赌博,最终输掉了全部家产。
- He assisted a drug addict to escape from drug but failed firstly.一开始他帮助一个吸毒者戒毒但失败了。
32 addiction
n.上瘾入迷,嗜好
- He stole money from his parents to feed his addiction.他从父母那儿偷钱以满足自己的嗜好。
- Areas of drug dealing are hellholes of addiction,poverty and murder.贩卖毒品的地区往往是吸毒上瘾、贫困和发生谋杀的地方。
33 diagnosis
n.诊断,诊断结果,调查分析,判断
- His symptoms gave no obvious pointer to a possible diagnosis.他的症状无法作出明确的诊断。
- The engineer made a complete diagnosis of the bridge's collapse.工程师对桥的倒塌做一次彻底的调查分析。
34 psychiatrist
n.精神病专家;精神病医师
- He went to a psychiatrist about his compulsive gambling.他去看精神科医生治疗不能自拔的赌瘾。
- The psychiatrist corrected him gently.精神病医师彬彬有礼地纠正他。
35 exoneration
n.免罪,免除
- Empathy for the criminal's childhood misery does not imply exoneration of the crimes he committed as an adult. 对罪犯悲惨的童年表示怜悯不等于可以免除他长大成人后所犯的罪。 来自《简明英汉词典》
- Exoneration or rehabilitation should be made known as widely as were the original wrong decisions. 原来在什么范围内弄错的,也应该在什么范围内宣布平反。 来自互联网
36 rammed
v.夯实(土等)( ram的过去式和过去分词 );猛撞;猛压;反复灌输
- Two passengers were injured when their taxi was rammed from behind by a bus. 公共汽车从后面撞来,出租车上的两位乘客受了伤。
- I rammed down the earth around the newly-planted tree. 我将新栽的树周围的土捣硬。 来自《简明英汉词典》
37 depressed
adj.沮丧的,抑郁的,不景气的,萧条的
- When he was depressed,he felt utterly divorced from reality.他心情沮丧时就感到完全脱离了现实。
- His mother was depressed by the sad news.这个坏消息使他的母亲意志消沉。
38 mania
n.疯狂;躁狂症,狂热,癖好
- Football mania is sweeping the country.足球热正风靡全国。
- Collecting small items can easily become a mania.收藏零星物品往往容易变成一种癖好。
39 meticulous
adj.极其仔细的,一丝不苟的
- We'll have to handle the matter with meticulous care.这事一点不能含糊。
- She is meticulous in her presentation of facts.她介绍事实十分详细。
40 flustered
adj.慌张的;激动不安的v.使慌乱,使不安( fluster的过去式和过去分词)
- The honking of horns flustered the boy. 汽车喇叭的叫声使男孩感到慌乱。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
- She was so flustered that she forgot her reply. 她太紧张了,都忘记了该如何作答。 来自辞典例句
41 psychiatrists
n.精神病专家,精神病医生( psychiatrist的名词复数 )
- They are psychiatrists in good standing. 他们是合格的精神病医生。 来自辞典例句
- Some psychiatrists have patients who grow almost alarmed at how congenial they suddenly feel. 有些精神分析学家发现,他们的某些病人在突然感到惬意的时候几乎会兴奋起来。 来自名作英译部分
42 synchronous
adj.同步的
- The message can be used only with synchronous operations.消息只能与同步操作一起使用。
- Synchronous machines do not easily fall out of step under normal conditions.在正常情况下,同步电机不易失去同步。
43 irresistible
adj.非常诱人的,无法拒绝的,无法抗拒的
- The wheel of history rolls forward with an irresistible force.历史车轮滚滚向前,势不可挡。
- She saw an irresistible skirt in the store window.她看见商店的橱窗里有一条叫人着迷的裙子。
44 literally
adv.照字面意义,逐字地;确实
- He translated the passage literally.他逐字逐句地翻译这段文字。
- Sometimes she would not sit down till she was literally faint.有时候,她不走到真正要昏厥了,决不肯坐下来。
45 testimony
n.证词;见证,证明
- The testimony given by him is dubious.他所作的证据是可疑的。
- He was called in to bear testimony to what the police officer said.他被传入为警官所说的话作证。
46 detailed
adj.详细的,详尽的,极注意细节的,完全的
- He had made a detailed study of the terrain.他对地形作了缜密的研究。
- A detailed list of our publications is available on request.我们的出版物有一份详细的目录备索。
47 brilliance
n.光辉,辉煌,壮丽,(卓越的)才华,才智
- I was totally amazed by the brilliance of her paintings.她的绘画才能令我惊歎不已。
- The gorgeous costume added to the brilliance of the dance.华丽的服装使舞蹈更加光彩夺目。
48 decided
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的
- This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
- There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。
49 humiliation
n.羞辱
- He suffered the humiliation of being forced to ask for his cards.他蒙受了被迫要求辞职的羞辱。
- He will wish to revenge his humiliation in last Season's Final.他会为在上个季度的决赛中所受的耻辱而报复的。