11-13 萨姆的意图

Sam’s Purpose

For years now, I have held the hands of the dying. “How can you bear it?” people ask me. “Hospice1 nursing must be so difficult. How can you stand to be around so much suffering?” Those people don’t understand that if you have the courage to look beyond suffering, you encounter triumph. I know this for a fact. Sam taught me.

An unlikely teacher, this infant of mine. Then one of the pediatricians2 said I couldn’t take him home from the hospital after his birth. Disappointment had struck me then, as a new twenty year old mother, but fear lodged 1 in me when the doctor mentioned serious problems and the need for more tests. Shock and disbelief gripped me when he predicted Sam would not improve. When I found a small voice to ask what we could do now, he seemed almost irritated at my lack of comprehension. As if to settle the matter once and for all, he blurted 2, “Your baby is severely 3 retarded 43. He will probably never roll over, never sit, never crawl, never walk or talk.” Then, returning to an attempt at advising with compassion 5, he said, “You’re young and healthy. You can have more children. You should begin to think of institutional placement for him.” I stopped listening, turned, and walked a few feet toward my hospital bed. I pulled the curtain between me and the world and began to cry as quietly as I could. I looked at the waiting baby layette4 beside me and began to sob 6 harder.

For the first week I returned every day to stand and stare silently through the nursery window, longing 7 to hold and comfort that baby and myself. Afterward 8 I left and cried for hours more. I woke up every night ready to shake off the nightmare, only to feel the more helpless facing the reality. But by the beginning of the second week, I began to feel myself steeling. I stopped crying and did not cry about anything for a very long time. Sam needed me.

My little boy, stricken with cerebral 9 palsy5 and severe sight and hearing impairments6, came home to me after one month. Sam’s life has not passed easily. Crayons never seemed a natural fit in his hand. The sound of the ice cream truck never reached his ears to cheer him on a summer day. No one ever chose him to play on the kickball7 teams hastily thrown together in the street by the neighborhood kids. Yet he has triumphed over every one of the predictions, the imposed limitations dropped upon him by a medical community lacking faith in the spirit of one small boy. With countless 10 hours of therapy sessions, love, encouragement and mostly his own unbelievable motivation he learned to speak, read, write, and at age nine walk on his own. And interestingly, as Sam learned to walk, I discovered my independence. As he learned to speak, I too found my voice. The first time he made a joke and a stranger laughed heartily 11, I discovered the unblemished8 joy of a life -- any life! -- well lived.

Because of Sam, I needed to hurry to find the spirited person within myself that I had never seen before. That kind of purpose and spirit has carried me through a humiliating9 divorce, a number of moves, college, and a career in hospice nursing. It has given me the courage to change my life from one of sterile 12 comfort to one of rich love. Sam needed someone to respond, stand up for, and speak for him. He needed someone to begin to turn the world right side up again.

That day in the nursery, thirty three years ago, I knew that he trusted me to do it, so I became that person. With my baby’s support, I became the mother he needed. In the process, I also became the person I always wanted to be...

注释：

1. hospice [5hCspis] n. （晚期病人）收容所，（晚期病人）收容计划

2. pediatrician [7pi:diE5triFEn] n. [美]=paediatrician 儿科医师，儿科学家

3. retarded [ri5tB:did] a. 智力迟钝的，精神发育迟缓的

4. layette [lei5et] n. 新生儿的全套用品（如婴服、襁褓）

5. cerebral palsy [医]大脑性麻痹

6. impairment [im5pZEmEnt] n. 损害，损伤

7. kickball [5kIkbR:l] n.（按棒球规则进行的）儿童足球游戏

8. unblemished [Qn5blemiFt] a. 无瑕疵的，无污点的，未玷污的

9. humiliating [hju:5miliIeitiN] a. 使蒙受耻辱的，丢脸的

萨姆的意图

多年以来，我一直在握着一个又一个垂死之人的手。“你如何能经受得住？”人们问我。“临终护理肯定非常困难，面对如此巨大的苦难，你怎么能忍受得了？”他们不懂得一个道理：如果你有勇气超越苦难看?更远，你就能享受胜利的喜悦。我知道这是千真万确的。是萨姆教给我的。

　　我的这个婴儿是一个不大可能当老师的老师。他出生以后，一位儿科大夫告诉我，我不能把他从医院带回家。我失望已极，当时我20岁，头一次当母亲。当大夫提到孩子有严重问题，需要进行更多的检查时，我心中充满恐惧。大夫预言萨姆的病情不大可能好转，我听后非常震惊，而且也不相信他的话。当我小声问他我们现在能做点什么时，他几乎要对我发火，认为我的理解力实在太差。他好像突然决定要快刀斩乱麻，脱口说出：“你的孩子严重弱智。他可能永远不会翻身，不会坐，不会爬，不会走路，也不会说话。”然后，话锋一转，他又用同情的语气劝我说：“你还年轻，而且健康，可以再生几个孩子。你应该开始考虑把这孩子送进收养所。”我不愿再听下去了，于是转身向我的病床走去，拉上帘子，把自己与外部世界隔开，开始尽可能低声地哭泣。我看了一眼放在我身边的那全套婴儿用品，哭得更厉害了。

　　第一周，我每天都去站在那儿，透过婴儿室窗口默默地看着，渴望着抱抱并且安慰一下那个婴儿和我自己。之后我离开那儿，一哭就是好几个小时。我每天夜里醒来都想要摆脱这场噩梦，结果只是面对现实感到更加无助。然而，到第二周开始时，我开始感到自己正在变得坚强起来。我停止了哭泣，好长一段时间不再为任何事情哭泣，因为萨姆需要我。

　　我那患着脑瘫、有严重的视力和听力损伤的儿子，一个月之后终于回到家中我的身边。萨姆生活得很艰难。他的手似乎从来握不住蜡笔。夏天，卖冰激凌车的声音无法使他兴奋，因为他听不见。邻里的孩子们在街上找人踢球时，没人会邀请他参加。可是他推翻了关于他的每一个预言。由于医学界对一个小男孩的精神勇气缺乏信心，才将这种种局限强加在他头上。经过无数次治疗，加上爱和鼓励——主要是由于他自己那令人难以置信的干劲——他学会了说话，学会了读和写，并在9岁时学会了自己走路。有趣的是，当萨姆学会走路时，我也发现了自己的独立性。当他学会说话时，我也找到了自己的声音。他第一次开玩笑使一位陌生人开怀大笑时，我发现了一个生命——任何一个生命——一个活得充实的生命——的完美无缺的喜乐。

　　因为有萨姆，我急需在自己内心寻找那位我从未认识到的大勇之人。这个使命感，这种精神帮我度过了一次令人羞辱的离婚、数次搬家、修完大学课程以及最后选择了临终护理这个职业。这个使命感和这种精神赋予我改变生活的勇气，从死气沉沉的舒适生活转变到充满爱的生活。萨姆需要有人对他做出应答，维护他的利益，代表他说话。他需要有人帮他把颠倒的世界扭转过来。

33年前的那天，在医院的婴儿室里，我清楚地感到他相信我能做这件事儿，所以我成了那个人。有了小宝宝的支持，我成了他所需要的那个妈妈。在此过程中，我也成为了自己一直想成为的那种人。