美国有线新闻 CNN 2015-05-23

 And tonight I am going to let you in on something that's been going on vis-a-vis my relationship with the fickle 1 mistress that is Twitter. 

 
So a few days ago I was going through my Twitter feed and found a quote that was attributed to me. It was something I had ostensibly said at a commencement speech. 
 
And I quote. "Graduation is a big deal, bigger than getting a hole-in-one while golfing. People might think you are lying about the hole-in-one, but when you graduate, you get a diploma." 
 
Now, I knew I never said that, so naturally I moved swiftly to correct the error. I posted a reply on Twitter using the "umm" technique, which is the universal signifier of kind of a bitchy tweet in progress.
 
"Umm, Clickhole," I wrote, "did you make this stuff up? I never said this quote and I never spoke 2 to the NYU class of 2015." And that's when everyone on planet earth helpfully pointed 3 out that Clickhole is a comedy site, run by the same satirical geniuses who produced the Onion. Which I...Thank you, I know.
 
And I read the Onion and I love the Onion. Now, I've even interviewed the Onion, I've been to the Onion offices. Now if somebody say the name of the site, Clickhole should have been my first clue. Yeah, I know! It should have. Shouldn't have it? 
 
Somebody say I should have done just a teeny bit of clicking around, clicking around said hole and maybe been tipped off by the other headlines: "Nine things James Taylor will never understand." "Quiz: Do you enjoy a nice bowl of soup?" "My daughter is running a fever and keeps coughing up pieces of evidence from the O.J. Simpson trial." 
 
Needless to say I didn't read any of those. Now, in my defense 4, umm, none of those things have my name in them, so why would I have read them? Yeah, that's the kind of guy I am. 
 
It is particularly humiliating given the fact that I am a fan of the Onion, and I actually have moderated an entire panel with the Onion staff. I'll show you evidence. 
 
"Planned Parenthood Opens Eight Billion Abortionplex..."
 
"Oh yeah, it was recent, it was just a few weeks ago, actually. People on the extreme rights took it seriously and were completely outraged 5 that Planned Parenthood would open its abortionplex."
 
"But they weren't surprised."
 
"With a martini bar..."
 
Silly people! Falling for a satire 6 site. But really, I mean, that was a good discussion. And I get their humor. I promise you, I get their humor. 
 
"Anybody you won't pick on?"
 
"No! I mean, You of course, because you, you are the moderator and you are famous and everything..."
 
"Oh, come on. That's clearly about the Warlords!"
 
"I liked my face in that. I'm sort of resigned."
 
"He was a gentle lover. "
 
See, I'm a seeker, so I wondered what can this Clickhole misstep teach me? I'm trying to learn from this. Maybe it's a tale of hubris 7, me a modern-day Icarus flying a little too close to the red hot sun of social media attention. 
 
I had just began to ponder this when my assistant emailed to let me know someone called to ask if my refrigerator was running, so obviously that needed my full attention. So I'll just close with a gentle reminder 8, mostly to myself–don't believe everything you read in life, online and on the Ridiculist. 
 
By the way, I corrected myself like, a few minutes later. And, anyway, you know what? I'm going to give up trying to explain. 
 
Ahhhh...I'm a loser.